When knee deep in sorrow and grief, it feels like that grief will last forever. It really does. Forever and ever. And it could be a temporary sorrow like being lied about or a deep tissue sorrow like being abandoned by someone who swore to love you forever or the loss of a dear family member. Whatever it is, the grief and sorrow held feels heavy and permanent. Feels like a punch in the gut you will never ever recover from. But the truth of it is quite different. In truth, God was not surprised by your horrible experience and was already formulating a healing path before it ever got here, knowing the nuances and is ready and waiting to love on you back to health. And God does not interfere and prevent these things and people blame Him for that. He could but He refuses to interfere with our gift of free choice and knows that our own growth and healing will produce wisdom and holiness in us. I am not the same person as I was before my Daddy’s death. I am not the same person as I was before my fiance threw me away for another inferior woman a while ago. I am not the same person as I was before my divorce. I am not the same person as I was when undergoing severe discrimination during my thesis and nearly being prevented from graduating. I am not the same person as I was before I was raped. I am not the same person as I was when my beloved precious dog died. All of things at the time were traumatic and hit me hard. But the person I am now is arguably the strongest and one of the wisest woman I have ever known or heard of because through every single thing, God healed me and made me stronger and wiser than I was before. And the grief I thought would kill or cripple me God used to heal and improve me and humble my heart and draw me closer to Him. Every crushing blow I am thankful for because God works more powerfully in our brokenness and heals us stronger than we were before. I have been through the worst and know hands down God is bigger than any of it and can take me through anything else with the same grace and beauty. I am internally more sensitive where I should be callous. The scars He forms on our hearts are miraculously more functional than our original skin! It is counterintuitive and contray to the physical. I am a doctor and my training tells me how scars are problematic, restrict function, add bulk, interfere with motion, interfere with function. But the scars on our heart from grieving that God provides when we humbly ask Him to are smoother, powerful, more stretchy, more functional, more healing, etc. than our original. There is only faith that explains this. It is not natural so it is supernatural and how God works. And this Great Physician is also our great Daddy and noone can love us more. When I missed my exfiance’s hugs, I prayed and I honestly felt my heart being hugged. Sounds strange but strange is my new normal because it happens so much in my life. When I cry out for my daddy, I talk to my God Daddy and He spreads calm and love and assurance and peace over me like a warm hug. So your sorrow is a tool and if you humbly pray to God for comfort and to show you love and truth from this, I swear to you He will show up. He is already there! And keep praying and read the Bible for the teuth and assurances and He will gradually lovingly form those superpower scars. Guaranteed! Love you!!
So I had been emotionally on the mend since it happened, nearly back to myself, nearly feeling fully alive again and the last couple of days feel like a step back into loss. I do not want to feel sorry for myself but such a huge part of my life is gone now and I miss him so much. He loved and supported me unconditionally and always could calm and focus my mind. I miss those things and so many other things. I thought maybe if I talked about it, I could get past the missing faster and feel my new normal again sooner. And I thought maybe someone else has lost someone they loved and might be hurting too after the celebrations have died down. And I decided it is ok to take a step back and miss him as long as very soon here I step forward and journey on. My plan is to draw closer to God by reading my Bible, specifically the Psalms and praying more, relying on God’s strength, wisdom and healing. When I am weak, God is stronger through me than I could ever be myself. When I mourn, He comforts me. When I need Him and ask Him, He always gives me what I really need deeper. Love you.
Most people won’t read this past the title. Modern psychobabble paints a world of ways we are not responsible for our behavior. People my age and younger seem oblivious to consequences for behavior and expect all good things for no effort. “Great things should always happen to me because I exist” seems to be the pervading ideology. And here I am waki g up at 42.5 heard of age and a revelation hit me square in the jaw and I feel such an immense empowerment from it, such a great sense of rightness, making more sense than anything before. Here it is…
I am responsible for everything bad that has ever happened to me. Since I was of age to make decisions for myself of my own volition, every decision since has brought me every measure of pain I have endured. Now, of course other people have their own responsibilities and that is there business and Daddy going off to Heaven was no one’s fault and some of those things hurt like crazy. But had I humbly obeyed to begin with, God would not have had to bring the hammer down to teach me that He is enough. God is enough. God is everything. He is to be praised and worshipped, not any other human or creature. God’s way is the only way to go for it leads to Him, all that truly matters long term. He is beauty, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, hope, salvation, Creator, etc. No one else on he planet, no matter how perfect they may seem, is anything next to God. By doing things my way because God gave me a strong will and sound mind and enormous heart, I fancied I knew a better way to get those things, through relationships I wanted. When your way differs from God’s way and He loves you, He will fight to teach you the lesson and get your head straight. And if you don’t pay attention with inconveniences, God will give you kicks or nudges, and then bigger tools until, if you are pigheaded like I was, God gives you excruciating pain and heartbreak to finally get you down on your knees before Him. This sounds mean but the opposite is true. He cares toomuch to just give up and send us to hell when this brief life is gone. He wants us saved and walking with Him here to eternity.
So, knowing I am to blame, I then had to confess my initial and subsequent sins to God and ask His forgiveness. Then, and this is harder, I had to forgive myself. Then, in my case, the pain gets left behind and wonderful lessons and good memories (because there is always some) can move forward with me. This is my freedom!!!!
When bad things happen, I am no longer surprised. I see them as learning or purification tools. They are valuable tools to grow and improve with. But I have a new habit of late. I consider it my holiness corner. When hit again with a new pain or a rerun of an old one, I no sit in my little corner of my bedroom in my comfy chair and pray, asking God what I need to learn. He has brought my maturity to a point where I know that every problem, every hardship, trial, pain, and even fabulous experience is an opportunity from Him to be more holy and grow and always appreciate Him more. A time ago I did not have such maturity and was really really raw. But God used that rawness to show me His healing salve is sufficient. He was saving me from separation from Himself. He gets our attention and brings us back to Himself because of His love for us. He knows pain is temporary and humbles us to listen and learn and then He heals and restores to greater than before and prayer is the vehicle for that exchange. It is beautiful. It is proactive work for our long term eternal benefit and I am truly honored to be humbled. Feeding my dad a cupcake today on his 80th Birthday, as dementia and stories have robbed him of himself, I was humbled and honored. My Heavenly Father is taking over as my earthly father also, filling both rolls. It is beautiful.
Anyone’s soul may be saved with utmost confidence when we humby pray to accept Jesus Christ as the sacrifice for our sins to God. The Bible spells it all out and you are welcome to read there, specifically Mark or John or Luke (my favorite). But sometimes we start off great but something or someone or usually we ourselves takes us off the straight path and we end up on a side trail. It can lead you the wrong way and distract you from the correct path. Distractions are huge in life. There are so many out there. A d so stoked you do not even realize you got off the right path and all of a sudden God plops down an inch ahead of you a solid steel 50 foot wall in front of you that you run into and get knocked down for a bit. You think you might be down for the count, this is it, all done, give up and throw in the towel. However, because we are saved, God has actually intervened and He Himself had dropped down that wall from Heaven, not as punishment but because of His amazing love of you, wanting to point you back to the right path. And when you do finally come to, God reveals this to you and you get it and scramble your behind back to the proper trail and journey on, wiser and with an immense appreciation for God’s loving care of you and your salvation. You see, we sometimes need a lesser salvation along the way to keep us honest, keep us or restore us to holy for our Savior. And praise God, He delivers!!
God made me such that my mind is strong. My will is even stronger. That is how I am cut, just the way it is, not because of me but what He wanted me to have. But when my heart is broken, which honestly is not a common occurrence, my broken heart, because I feel things so deeply, feels like the strongest part of me. In fact, it tends to trump any current logic or thought processes or strength of will. A broken heart rules like a greedy narcissistic tyrannical dictator with no remorse for pain afflicting on the rest of me. I believe this is true of a lot of us. And we kind of just give up and live this way because nothing we have in our toolbox is stronger. However, I have found (probably because so many people were praying for me) that one thing is stronger than a broken heart. Just one thing can eject this horrible ruling body from its throne. Humbleness. Yep, it is amazing how much natural power and payload it has in its arsonal. It is incredibly powerful, the strongest tool and weapon at our disposal. You see, with that one thing, we can bow in prayer and call on the unlimited and all powerful forces of heaven, I stantly gaining the attention of our allmighty and all-powerful Creator God and He readies His troops for battle and fights for you. You see it’s value. Without being humble, prayers or rants or fury or anger or anything else cannot break the back of the broken heart, that powerful wound. With humbleness and contrition, we call on the greatest force we know or can imagine and He can defeat our enemy within us.
Some bad things, many bad things, that happen in life, like a Loved one walking out of your life or an accident or a loss of a pet or the harm of a child or cancer, or being persecuted or teased, whatever it may be happen in life that can either unite or divide. These experiences are opportunities or excuses to separate from people OR bind to them. Which way that goes depends on the character of those involved, depth of pain, deep desires, emotional involvement, goals, ambitions and energy level. And there is an enormous additional influence for those of us guided by God. You see, God is a binder. He likes us connected to other people because He knows we are better together, we need arms. So He can use (if allowed) turn bad things into good glue. Those left together after said bad thing can (if cooperative) help each other and grow closer together. I have in my clinic and life seen bad thing also sponsor ruin and division and divorce and even death. But this does not have to be the case. What is the difference? God. He is the difference. He heals and binds and loves and provides when asked humbly. The key is God.