To lose your husband unexpectedly has to be one of the hardest experiences of life. He was young, no more than 50. Not ill. Never had a sign of suffering or pain, just died overnight out of nowhere. Wake up next to a dead body instead of your husband. That is what happened this morning to my good, long time friend Susie. She had no idea that the “I love you. Sweet dreams” would have been the last time she said that ever. My heart throbs for her, tears flow. I am dropping my afternoon plans to be with her. I don’t know what to say but I know beyond all doubt that I need to keep her company and be there for and with her. So, I will cry with her, hold her, love her. And when things happen, changing your own plans is the Jesus thing to do. She has God’s peace but I need to be arms for her for Jesus.❤
The scene is set. The curtain up.
Your happy eyes now looking up.
You have no cares, your life is pat
There is no problem. You hang your hat.
The curtain down, the play is done.
And now the crying has begun.
No one understands, you think
And into darkness now you sink.
But, dearest heart, before you die
Open your heart for one last try
And cry out for the God loving you
The One who made you before the blue.
Pray, dear heart, you’ve naught to lose.
In doing so, you just may lose
The hopelessness and darkness too
For light is what He is for you.
There is another better way
And you will make it through this day.
And then the next and light invades
And soon your heart restored will praise!❤
Lord, make the emptiness he left,
This broken girl all cut and torn
And heal the wounds with precious scars
That form a tattoo that looks like You.❤❤❤
Everyone knows me now knows I do not take offense at the criticism of others. I see every person’s comments as personal biased opinions for which there is a rigorous but unknown backstory. Someone may say something rude but they did not mean to be rude, they did not have another way to express their lack of energy at such a horrible day they had. Or the rude thing may reflect their upbringing and they think it is normal. Or their car broke down earlier and their frustration level is overflowing onto me. There is a reason and I love people enough to give them that benefit of the doubt. Now if I am victim of it habitually, I will pull them aside and talk to them and apologize for any offense I have given them. This does two things: breaks the ice in a humble way and makes their bad behavior realized. It may even help them get to the heaet of the matter. I mean, who doesn’t want to be apologized to? Who stays angry at someone being humble to you? So the key is to stay humble and not take things/words personally. For instance, I went out shopping, I noticed the weird phenomenon that I turned a lot of guys’ heads. I thought I must be having a good looking day and that’s nice. Then my husband tell me this dress makes me look fat. The old me would have either attacked him or cried, depending on the time of the month, but nope. Not today. Not anymore. I no longer take the offense. I consider the source, he was raised highly critical and thus criticism is normal conversation, in addition it is his strange, twisted way of trying to help me look my best. It is not nice but I no longer take offense. If I need a word of encouragement, I go to God or my best friend. So someone may pitch you something offensive with or without realizing it but it is up to me or you to take it, accept it from them or not. Don’t take it personally but just as if they were trying to give you a present of garbage, you can gracefully refuse to accept it and say “no thanks, not my size” or “no thanks, not true of me”. Stay humble, seek to understand and you may help them. Forgive them and you help you too. Love you. ❤
When knee deep in sorrow and grief, it feels like that grief will last forever. It really does. Forever and ever. And it could be a temporary sorrow like being lied about or a deep tissue sorrow like being abandoned by someone who swore to love you forever or the loss of a dear family member. Whatever it is, the grief and sorrow held feels heavy and permanent. Feels like a punch in the gut you will never ever recover from. But the truth of it is quite different. In truth, God was not surprised by your horrible experience and was already formulating a healing path before it ever got here, knowing the nuances and is ready and waiting to love on you back to health. And God does not interfere and prevent these things and people blame Him for that. He could but He refuses to interfere with our gift of free choice and knows that our own growth and healing will produce wisdom and holiness in us. I am not the same person as I was before my Daddy’s death. I am not the same person as I was before my fiance threw me away for another inferior woman a while ago. I am not the same person as I was before my divorce. I am not the same person as I was when undergoing severe discrimination during my thesis and nearly being prevented from graduating. I am not the same person as I was before I was raped. I am not the same person as I was when my beloved precious dog died. All of things at the time were traumatic and hit me hard. But the person I am now is arguably the strongest and one of the wisest woman I have ever known or heard of because through every single thing, God healed me and made me stronger and wiser than I was before. And the grief I thought would kill or cripple me God used to heal and improve me and humble my heart and draw me closer to Him. Every crushing blow I am thankful for because God works more powerfully in our brokenness and heals us stronger than we were before. I have been through the worst and know hands down God is bigger than any of it and can take me through anything else with the same grace and beauty. I am internally more sensitive where I should be callous. The scars He forms on our hearts are miraculously more functional than our original skin! It is counterintuitive and contray to the physical. I am a doctor and my training tells me how scars are problematic, restrict function, add bulk, interfere with motion, interfere with function. But the scars on our heart from grieving that God provides when we humbly ask Him to are smoother, powerful, more stretchy, more functional, more healing, etc. than our original. There is only faith that explains this. It is not natural so it is supernatural and how God works. And this Great Physician is also our great Daddy and noone can love us more. When I missed my exfiance’s hugs, I prayed and I honestly felt my heart being hugged. Sounds strange but strange is my new normal because it happens so much in my life. When I cry out for my daddy, I talk to my God Daddy and He spreads calm and love and assurance and peace over me like a warm hug. So your sorrow is a tool and if you humbly pray to God for comfort and to show you love and truth from this, I swear to you He will show up. He is already there! And keep praying and read the Bible for the teuth and assurances and He will gradually lovingly form those superpower scars. Guaranteed! Love you!!
So I had been emotionally on the mend since it happened, nearly back to myself, nearly feeling fully alive again and the last couple of days feel like a step back into loss. I do not want to feel sorry for myself but such a huge part of my life is gone now and I miss him so much. He loved and supported me unconditionally and always could calm and focus my mind. I miss those things and so many other things. I thought maybe if I talked about it, I could get past the missing faster and feel my new normal again sooner. And I thought maybe someone else has lost someone they loved and might be hurting too after the celebrations have died down. And I decided it is ok to take a step back and miss him as long as very soon here I step forward and journey on. My plan is to draw closer to God by reading my Bible, specifically the Psalms and praying more, relying on God’s strength, wisdom and healing. When I am weak, God is stronger through me than I could ever be myself. When I mourn, He comforts me. When I need Him and ask Him, He always gives me what I really need deeper. Love you.
Most people won’t read this past the title. Modern psychobabble paints a world of ways we are not responsible for our behavior. People my age and younger seem oblivious to consequences for behavior and expect all good things for no effort. “Great things should always happen to me because I exist” seems to be the pervading ideology. And here I am waki g up at 42.5 heard of age and a revelation hit me square in the jaw and I feel such an immense empowerment from it, such a great sense of rightness, making more sense than anything before. Here it is…
I am responsible for everything bad that has ever happened to me. Since I was of age to make decisions for myself of my own volition, every decision since has brought me every measure of pain I have endured. Now, of course other people have their own responsibilities and that is there business and Daddy going off to Heaven was no one’s fault and some of those things hurt like crazy. But had I humbly obeyed to begin with, God would not have had to bring the hammer down to teach me that He is enough. God is enough. God is everything. He is to be praised and worshipped, not any other human or creature. God’s way is the only way to go for it leads to Him, all that truly matters long term. He is beauty, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, hope, salvation, Creator, etc. No one else on he planet, no matter how perfect they may seem, is anything next to God. By doing things my way because God gave me a strong will and sound mind and enormous heart, I fancied I knew a better way to get those things, through relationships I wanted. When your way differs from God’s way and He loves you, He will fight to teach you the lesson and get your head straight. And if you don’t pay attention with inconveniences, God will give you kicks or nudges, and then bigger tools until, if you are pigheaded like I was, God gives you excruciating pain and heartbreak to finally get you down on your knees before Him. This sounds mean but the opposite is true. He cares toomuch to just give up and send us to hell when this brief life is gone. He wants us saved and walking with Him here to eternity.
So, knowing I am to blame, I then had to confess my initial and subsequent sins to God and ask His forgiveness. Then, and this is harder, I had to forgive myself. Then, in my case, the pain gets left behind and wonderful lessons and good memories (because there is always some) can move forward with me. This is my freedom!!!!