On Missing

Sometimes you just have to miss an important person from your pass. Miss them, think about them, love them, pray for them, wish them the best, and move the heck on. Sometimes you have to feel it and then walk on. It just is. And if that person was meant to be there and God wanted them there, they would be there. Accept it, miss them, cry for a bit if you need to, hug a trusted neck if you need to, and then keep moving. Stop if you need, then get up again and keep going. Has to be done. We got this. God helps.❤

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Woe to the Person Who Makes Us Cry

Woe to the person who makes us cry

For they will cry in the end

Woe to the person who hurts our soul

It one day will never hurt again

But theirs will be scorched with brimstone fire

And forgiveness will be asked too late

So I puty those who make us cry

And forgive them and beg they repent.❤

To Be Everything

To be everything to a man

Then be nothing,

Knowing now someone else is everything to him,

Feeling the sting of knowing him

Better than anyone

Then being discarded,

To love deeper than anyone

Then be hated by the beloved,

This pain is unfathomable.

This pain should be illegal.

This pain keeps biting after the snake is dead.

The pain is deep.

Never do this to anyone.

Never provide this pain.

Take care who you choose to love.

Take care whose love you accept.

Take care of love while you have it.❤

The Darkness of Separation

There is a darkness deeper in hue than the blackness of night, that delves to greater depths than the ocean floor. There is an emptiness that cannot be ignored, lonelier than Christmas without decoration or company. There is a depression so wide and harrowing that fields of burnt wheat do not adequately represent it. And here is where I was when separated from God. Separation from Him is separation from life itself, for He made it all. And closeness to God is all the light back, peace, joy, life, contentment, comfort. Remember that, my friend. Remember that, me. ❤ 

Life is Also in the Pain

As a doctor, I know some stuff about medicine and the human body. And I have read up on many illnesses, they just fascinate me because of my love for humanity and how things work. And a book I read about leprosy opened my eyes to the appreciate pain as a valuable part of life. He documented lepers throughout their illnesses as he treated them. Their biggest problem and sadness was not being able to feel pain, so they would get wounds they didn’t know about. They wanted more than anything to feel pain because they stated they don’t feel alive or a part of life without it. Pain is connection. Since reading that book, I look at pain differently. We barely grow in character with good times, however immense growth and character development happens through pain. At least for me it works that way. I don’t go searching for pain still, but if it comes, I am appreciative of the lesson I search out. It is a good part of connection, learning and life. ❤

Unexpected Separations

So our grown son (from my husband’s previous marriage), the Marine and all around really great guy (maybe a tad biased), gave us the wham banger news that his wife of 4-ish years just left him for her ex-fiance of ancient past, the one who wouldn’t commit. Yep. We were going to visit them this week. Now, instead, he is moving alone out west to room with a Marine brother and a fresh start because he loves her sincerely and everything there is her. And I got to thinking. I had that happen in my ancient past… dumped for an unworthy ex after years of commitment and mutual love. And some people are a blessing in your life when they are there and some are are greater blessing when they go. It is impossible to say and realize that for about are year and that is are fact. Before a year is up, you only say it through clenched jaw. But how much worse to end up in many years with someone who hates you and has run you into the ground or stolen your freedom and identity and taken all your purpose to suit them and then threw you out or selfishly cheated. And like I was, he is blessed to start afresh and have us praying for him and encouraging him, and whatever God had for Him can be more apparent without someone half there and unsupportive. Nonetheless, as horrible as divorce is, sometimes you are forced to face it and change everything and that is never easy. So if you think of it, please pray for our son to find the path God wants Him now. God is the healer of hearts and Maker and Lifter of our heads. Thank you and God bless us, everyone!❤

Being Accidentally Wrong vs Being Intentionally Wrong

There is a huge difference between being intentionally wrong and being accidentally wrong. It is truly a huge difference but sometimes the result is the same. For instance, my husband attacks me for both. He treats them exactly the same. In fact, he will stack them up with other past wrongs. There is no white out or eraser. And I am feeling miserable right now because, human that I am, I screwed up yet again and made an accidental mistake (which I am quite sorry for and humbled at having made) and am in the doghouse. I am made to feel like a criminal, foolish, stupid, disposable almost. Every mistake bears the a came fruit. Criticism at imperfection is always awaiting me. I can do little right, it seems. And I have this one joy in the midst of such blatant disregard for my apologetic and humbled disposition. God is generous with forgiveness. I have a heavenly Father who holds my often clumsy and awkward outgoing nature in His hands and forgives me of my flaws. He understands them. God loves me more than judges me. God cares for me and my well being more than He wants to prove I am flawed and in need of Him. He wants to give me joy not steal it, give me peace not damage it, love me not wound me. I have this amazing Heavenly Father God who loves me awkwardness I am and motivates me by love to want to be better. God is not critically picking apart every wrong move or word but is gently guiding me to the write moves and words. It is a comforting reminder that I am unconditionally loved. You know what, so are you. Thank God! ❤