Year Long Struggle with Depression

I did not have time to mention this yesterday. I have struggled this past year with depression. My daddy died of dementia, a good friend died in a car accident and a very good friend married a monster and abandoned us all. And I took these things to heart, three different kind of losses at once- two deaths (my loved daddy and my friend) and a betrayal of a loved friend/band brother. Before all this happened at once, I thought myself pretty strong, an independent woman who can do anything. And wham! I was instantly transformed into this little wimpy girl. I never had struggled with depression, being more inclined to laugh everything off than cry. In fact, I rarely ever have cried in my life until this three banger event happened. And let me tell you a secret. I am very thankful for having gone through this humbling. How can I say this? Can anyone enjoy going through the greatest pain imaginable? I am honored that God chose to humble me and save me and draw me close instead of give up on me and abandon me like so many had. It was a process of a year of torture, sadness, crying, mourning, loneliness, deprivation, withdrawal from everyone, trouble concentrating, lethargy, inability to laugh like I used to. I kept up a good front often but was dying inside. And it took that to wake my stubborn prideful butt up to be humble and prayerful and teachable and realize God not only did not throw me away but He was nurturing me back to health the whole while, never giving up on me. A special thank you to whoever was praying for me. And thanks to God for holding me when noone else would. And I would have pushed anyone else away then anyway but God is so tender and loving and faithful to hold me when I cry. And Sunday, the year of depression lifted from my shoulders and I felt a release. And tears poured again but these were not tears of sadness but of joy. And today, I laughed with my daughter as I have not done for too long. And I realize my greatest strength is that in my great weakness, Jesus is greatly more powerful than I am capable of. And that is true strength. I heard a quote that “you will meet your greatest ally and greatest enemy and in the end you will thank them both” or something like that. I am so incredibly thankful!!!! God is definitely my hero and loves me and I love Him with my little self. ❤❤❤

The Place of Acceptance

The Lord has brought me to a new home in my soul, a retreat of acceptance. There is a maturity, forged by intense, deep suffering, longing, loneliness, forgiveness, then acceptance. At least for this moment, I am certain and feel warmly thankful that God has brought me through the worst of times. It only took and year, and that sounds like a lot but some people carry it around forever and self-education to ease the burden of it. I feel and am very blessed to be here right now at this new residence of acceptance. And the effort and tears are well worth the process because when God solves the matter, the cleansing is intense, thorough and deep so it lasts forever. No baggage to carry around anymore and when I realized it this morning while walking and talking with the Lord, I could not stop crying thankful, joyful tears of relief. It is beautiful. Thank you, God!❤❤❤

Great Compliment

I received one of the greatest comliments this morning at church. A man came up to me and said he missed it when I was not playing piano (and here is the compliment) because “I can tell you can show worship to Jesus because it is obvious you feel it.”  My heart for God melted. What an amazing thing when people notice how very much I love Jesus and love worshiping and leading worship to Him!! Oh how I am thankful for that encouragement. Praise Jesus, the lover of my soul!!! ❤❤❤

What I Believe

There is a big list of things I believe. But what is more important than that is what is true. I believe the Bible is true. I believe God is truth and He wrote everything we need to know in the Bible. I believe it is difinitive and unapologetic and stands and defends itself unquestionably and is our greatest tool for life, instruction, correction and battle (defense and offence). Thus, I believe every word in it is correct and true and gives us everything we need for salvation and eternal life with God in heaven through the saving power of Jesus Christ, the true Messiah and only means of salvation from sin and evil. I believe prayer, faith and contrition bring us to direct audience with Almighty God who loves us and wants to have a personal relationship with us. And that is it. I used to have many opinions, but God has lined them up with His truth, thanks and praise be to God!!! His is the opinion which matters because it n is true and perfect and holy. Praise God Almighty!!! Praise my Heavenly Father, Maker of heaven and earth and all that we see or know! May His name be lifted up! May His light cut through the darkness! May His truth set us all free! May those He made love Him and choose salvation! ❤❤❤

Feeling Good Today

Missing my walk ended up being a good thing. Got some sweet time drawing with my daughter and a good talk with my son. And had some great time talking to the Lord Jesus Christ, my very best friend and only Savior, and doing art through quilting, mowing (got rained out yesterday), going to IHOP with my family for brunch, measuring out the back porch with my hubby and planning for them to start working on making a concrete slap patio a sunroom complete with hot tub. I am not sure how this day could have been better. And the most beautiful part of the day was that it was an answer to prayer. I have had several really difficult days, horrible even at times, hard days, ugly even in moments. So I talked to Jesus, my Heavenly Father, about this. I asked Him to help. I was not sure how exactly, but He knows my heart and what I need even before I ask Him. And He gave me a very good day today, a happy husband, a good daughter, a happy son, a wonderful day. This is how good God is and how wonderful it is to have such a beautiful personal relationship with Jesus. He is so much more than my Savior who died and arose to give me a way to be saved and assured of heaven, but He walks and talks with me as I humbly pray, He is my best friend, my confidant, my comforter, the peace and joy and love in my soul. I  so honored that He loves me. I am so honored to be His!! ❤❤❤

Not Famous But Effective

I grew up on stage. I knew I belonged there, and I understand how few people that is true of. The thing is, many people want to do big things, important things, things people notice and are glorifying you for. It is nice to have that affirmation, to feel important, to feel known. But the men in my life, with the exception of my daddy, have always made me feel low, humbled me, dishonored me, made me feel important only when they need something, made me feel stupid and unworthy in some way, like a screw up unless I waited on them hand and foot and bowed to their wishes and whims. Yes, there are two sides to every coin and I have been partially responsible in my choices and discontentment and pride or whatever. So I have god to the Lord for guidance and love and here was my lesson from Him… “Please me, be effective, I am pleased and love you. I don’t need you famous, I am the famous One of Israel. I need you to obey and worship and pray with the faith I gave you. I will take care of you always, providing what you need. I love you.” And there it is. My decisions may have screwed up many talents I should be using for God, but the Great Physician heals and restores and as my Heavenly Father also provides and really really loves. He is pleased as I obey, as I am pleased as my kids obey. He is pleased when I do my best for Him like I am pleased when my kids do their best for me or God. Effective is the key and famous is respectfully reserved for God. ❤❤❤

Oh the Delight of Dusk

My favorite time of the day is dusk in summer. I love the beauty of it, the rich colors of the sunset, the luxurious tranquility, the nature coming alive again, the serenity of swinging on the porch swing and be accepted with it all, one of God’s fellow creations. I have had some very hard days lately (don’t usually try to focus on that) and have cried more than my fair share of loved ones gone. I miss them very much. 💔 But drying my tears, I swing at dusk and here are the remnants of color, birds twittering, the blessings g of a hummingbird, a tree frog emerges from behing the wall sun decoration to eat, flowers are blooming, herbs are growing, talking to God I am calm again. I am thankful and blessed. My tears are dry. I am content that God is with me even if no one else is, which happens. God is all I need and the world He made is incredible! There are so many nuggets of perfection of beauty to feast on. The quilt is coming along. My daughter is in bed. My son is visiting his Grandparents for 2 weeks. Friends gave me a fresh bottle of red wine which go n perfectly with the chocolate cookies I just made. Life is pretty amazing just as it is. All is well. The rest will wait for heaven. Until then, I love you. Get outside. ❤