Flashback with a Side of Peace

Today at church, for some reason, my mind flashed back to my Daddy’s last moments on this earth before he went off to play and sing in heaven. That day is etched into my heart and I feel everything, smell everything, remember everything. I arrived and he had started heavy breathing. No pain. I sat on his bed and kissed him and said I loved him and hug Jesus for me and ran my fingers through his hair and sang “Jesus Loves Me”. I kept repeating the same song because honestly I could not remember another lyric. It was the only song I could think of. And I sang it for about 20 minutes and he had such a relaxed look to him and then stopped breathing. And once I knew he was not there anymore, I cried for about a year. But I look back now that I can with just tears and not crippling depression, and I see God’s peace and blessing there. So many things in my life I did wrong but that moment, I did right. It was a beautiful, meaningful moment. I, who loved him most in this world, loving him out, just us. Just daddy and me, what I had always wanted. God gave me that. Thank you, God. Please hug him for me. ❤

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Not Knowing

I just watched and listened to Red sing “The Dance” on the Voice. https://youtu.be/B50LXIoetlg I rarely ever get to see that show and enjoy everything but the back stories and commercials. (If they sing the song magnificently, you can feel their back story, but that is another blog post lol.) But I digress. The thing is the song reminded me that if we knew things would end, would we go through with it if it was going to end in a huge loss? I wrestle with that a little bit. Do good times for a while make up for a steep drop afterwards? Do great memories make up for the loss of a loved one? And I suddenly felt great appreciation to God for not letting us know everything. I am thankful to not know what is next (except heaven, I am glad to know that is coming up). I believe even more that God blesses us by withholding the future. We are who we are and hold beautiful memories we would otherwise miss by living the exact journey we walk, rest and run. Our journey is beautiful not just because of the good memories and good decisions but moreso because of deep blows we overcame with God’s help. I am happy not to know. I am thankful for every dance. ❤

The Best Man I Know

The best man I know is the one who passed his Y chromosome down to me. Scientific and not romantic is the approach to this thesis, because if I lay my emotions out there, I will cry and not be logical so I am speaking from the doctor part of me. It is my rational, lab coat on side that has served me well long before obtaining a degree. But I digress. Here is why my daddy was the best man in the world (no offence other really magnificent men I have had the privilege of knowing): 1. He was loyal to his wife and family. This is beyond mere faithfulness, hard enough to come by these days, I know. But he was loyal to our family, meaning that our family unit was defended valiantly against anything coming against it. He would defend us, any of us, to the death and I was completely and utterly safe within his care. He knew his strength and ability beyond any hesitation, and he was a boxing instructor and drill instructor in the Marines and a strong fatmer and an excellent marksman to boot, so he really could defend us and would successfully, I never ever doubted that. Since safety is such a great need for a little girl, I grew up safe and secure. That is amazing to this little girl. My daddy also gave up his ex and three daughters for my mom and our family (mom required that of him, we never would have). He never looked back but probably always silently struggled with that decision but never showed that. 2. Daddy provided for us. My mom was a housewife and my sister and I went to private Christian school because he wanted to provide us the best education possible. I am certain that is why he worked so very much overtime, to provide for us. He sacrificed his free time for our education and mom being able to not work outside the home, which she absolutely did not want to do. He provided protection and paid the bills and we never wanted for anything we needed and most of what we wanted. He provided well. 3. Daddy was a strong manly Christian. That should have been first but I believe this is why he was loyal and a great provided. He loved Jesus. He taught me how to be moral and love Jesus too. He was man enough and convicted enough to drag me to church every time the doors were open. We sang together in a family quartet in churches in the area. We sang in the church choir and for church musicals my dad volunteered to be in, despite his hard work and limited time. My dad knew that some things are more important than rest and often told me he would rest in heaven. He is resting now but I bet more likely he is singing for Jesus right now with his angelic voice. 4. He was my rock. Again, because he lived Jesus, I could always count on him. All my life he would ask if I needed anything. He helped me with anything I needed ever. So here is my short list of why daddy was the best man on earth. The world was better for his having been here and I am who I am largely because of him. Thank you, daddy. See you soon in hew reaver for I think Jesus will take us home soon. Love and miss you, daddy. ❤❤❤

A Brief Interlude

A momentary pause in quilt creation and attachment is required and welcomed. An honored guest is visiting for the day tomorrow, a special little person. We have the honor of spending the day with our 3 year old granddaughter tomorrow while daddy works. We are so excited! We have planned (ok, very loose interpretation on that word here lol) a lovely day of parks and picnics and fun at home. What fun!! So every break has importance and meaning, we just need to find it and relish it. Luxury! ❤❤❤

Many Hours at the Pool

The biggest reward for cleaning mom’s house and taking care of her, other than the satisfaction that is present, is that her clubhouse has a huge pool and other grandparents have kids that swim there. So there we stayed for hours of fun at the pool. We are a golden tan now and are exhausted but these are the memories you hang your hat on. These are new good tech-free moments with family that make you feel amazing and you remember as the good times for when things get rough. God gave us good memories there with Grandma/my mom and with her pool. Thank you, God!❤❤❤

The Lost Birthday

So my very good very loved friend and band brother that abandoned us for a psychotic, controlling female lacking music interest (horrific!), has a birthday in two days. We miss him. Makes me remember all the gigs, the great times, dinners, years of making beautiful music together. All a wash. This is the birthday in 2 days that is now lost, a wash, we cannot even talk yo him to wish him aw happy birthday, much less take him to dinner or give a gift. Well, just realized I still have one female creature to forgive and I thought I had gotten everyone. Lol Ah well, people make their own bad choices in life like I do sometimes, I guess. It affects everyone, so please take care and slow into decisions that devastate so many. And when you do have something great going on, please treasure it emphatically for you never know when a psychotic creature (I will forgive in a minute, don’t worry) will change everything. Love you. Hugs! ❤ 

Fading from the Forefront of my Mind

When we lose someone very close to us, someone dearly loved, for some of us who feel very deeply, it is a heavy weight for a very long time. And almost a year later, I am finally starting with God’s constant help and comfort, to move the missed loved one from the forefront of my mind into a section of beautiful memories that are available for recall. There is a fading that God blessed me with and generously granted me, a not-the-first-thing-I-think-about day, night and in the middle anymore. God is generously by grace filling those positions with Himself because like a little persistent child, I keep asking Him to. It is debilitating to keep someone alive in your mind when they are no longer alive in your world. You have to start the process with God’s help of putting them back into the mind and keep God in the place of worship, focus, immediate thought. I had to and God has gradually allowed it and I am so thankful. I still miss him like crazy but I am here now, ready to serve and be present for God and my family and people in my spaces. Praise God!