So The Funeral is Tomorrow

My good friend buries her husband tomorrow. Her husband that had no life insurance because he was 47 and not expecting to die. She was not expecting it either. A 47 year old body just shuts down. Who would expect such a thing? And yet here we are. And tomorrow we will all cry together and let her know we support her and are here for her. And I will visit more often for she will be lonely and sad for a while. I have been where she is and will be able to be sad with her and make the most with her and hopefully that helps. The easier part of it is that he was a Christian so we know he is in heaven. ❤

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When Death Comes Unexpectedly

To lose your husband unexpectedly has to be one of the hardest experiences of life. He was young, no more than 50. Not ill. Never had a sign of suffering or pain, just died overnight out of nowhere. Wake up next to a dead body instead of your husband. That is what happened this morning to my good, long time friend Susie. She had no idea that the “I love you. Sweet dreams” would have been the last time she said that ever. My heart throbs for her, tears flow. I am dropping my afternoon plans to be with her. I don’t know what to say but I know beyond all doubt that I need to keep her company and be there for and with her. So, I will cry with her, hold her, love her. And when things happen, changing your own plans is the Jesus thing to do. She has God’s peace but I need to be arms for her for Jesus.❤

The Sending of Flowers

So this morning, we ordered flowers to be sent to the funeral home for Grandpa’s funeral tomorrow. Money constraints do not allow us to go up for it so we sent flowers in our stead. There is something final in the sending of flowers but it is not without life for we sent the flowers in the form of a plant, which can live and be appreciated and enjoyed for years to come.there is something about cutting flowers that saddens my heart because they die, like another death. But a flower on a plant that has life and beauty continuing on is hopeful, pleasant, cheerful. And as Grandpa is in heaven now with my Daddy and Grandma (his wife) and his parents and siblings, there is life now. So in lieu of our life which could not attend, we sent the life of a flower. And that makes me as happy as I can be without being able to be there myself. We will miss you, Grandpa. We love you!

Losing Grandpa to Heaven

As hard as it was to lose my Daddy four months ago, now my Grandpa (Edwin Metzler) has left this world and gone off to Heaven to join my Daddy and precious Grandma there. He was my last living on earth grandparent. And growing up, he was a missionaries kid in Africa and later in life a missionary to Arfrica with his wife and 3 girls. And when they retired from ministry to work and take care of their girls in the states, Grandpa was a math teacher for high school until he retired and then Derry college. What I remember best of gim, besides his relentless puns and incredible bass singing voice was his presence. He was rather aloof but I knew he loved us not because he said it much but because he was there. He and Daddy helped me move countless times. When we had programs or recitals, he was there with my Grandma. For every birthday party and holiday, he was there and we ate and played games most of the day. I remember he was always with us camping too and loved to swim. He didn’t say a lot that was serious, rather avoided seripus if he could, but when he did or when he was asked about the Bible or the Lord, he would stun you with his understanding and insights. He lived to 87 years of age and passed into Heaven a few hours ago. I am not mushy with tears like I was with daddy, but have shed some tears, but I feel the loss for sure, but I know that Heaven is now.being inundated with jokes and beautiful bass singing now and Daddy probably put him to work immediately in the choir and that makes me smile. At least I have Heaven to look forward to and being with Jesus most and my family. Many are there now along with my daughter. Looking forward to seeing them again when Jesus comes back for us. In the meanwhile, I will spend tomorrow afternoon with my mom remembering Grandpa and appreciating his spectacular life and ministry and jokes and presence. Thank God I had him in my life up til now!

The Song of Missing

Daddy, I watched you go. You waited for me. I cared for you as you suffered, unable to care for yourself for two years. I helped keep you at ho e as long as possible, where you most wanted to be with your family. You came here. God sent you down because He knew you needed me to love you out. God knew my arms were the ones you needed around you to take care of you as the stroke and dementia took control of your life. Hardest decision of my life was when we finally had to put you in a nursing home. It felt like giving up but we could not do it all day and night every day and night anymore and my husband kids needed me too. I got lost for a while in the constancy, then I got lost in the feeling of giving up. I know it was the best choice as staff was always there and it was such a good place. But watching your mind go was so hard, Daddy, my Pilar of strength, my hero, my protector and Champion. I was your girl always and I miss you so much. Daddy, I know you are enjoying heaven and I am so happy you are whole and with Jesus. You have no frustration over being stuck in a bed. You are free and running. You no longer have the loss of your amazing singing voice. You are singing songs now better than anyone else up there. You are home in Heaven with Jesus. I sang you there and held you out. What a blessing you were to me all my life, Daddy. Thank you, God, for giving me the best Daddy in the world. I know Jesus is coming soon and I will see him when you decide it is time. I am so full of life and love and am as hopeful about life as full of tears streaming down my face. You are good, God. You were so good to me to give me as long as you did with the best Daddy in the world. Thank you.

When Passes the Night

As the end comes for those we grew up listening to, a part of us ends. That comfortable spot in our memory of a singer or band or their collective music or works of art in an artist in general, even paintings or sculptures or movies or good books, is now uncomfortable or saddened to some degree. I had friends that called to comfort me when Rich Mullins died. I am now comforting my husband because Lake (of Lake, Emerson and Palmer) died. It is of great meaning when one whose work we utilized in our psyche growing up become unable to be seen. Knowing they are still out there is somehow comfortable for us. So losing them from this world we are a part of is very sad and we should grieve these things. They are a part of who we are. So peace with you, Mr. Lake, and thank you for the beautiful music you made that stirred my husband’s soul and caused him to miss you. You will be missed truly. God rest your soul. 

The Sick and the Dead

I felt like dead warmed up to a fever today, couldn’t keep a thing down, feverish, painful, both sides giving me heck. It was ugly. And I woke up at 9pm with at fever broken and no more getting sick but very tired. And my hubby was kind and generous enough to go to the store and get me a tome 7up to keep down and feel strengthened. It works for me. And I thought that I missed the day, was ill and the kids managed, though the house will be fun to clean up tomorrow and I am glad I was sick and not dead. And I know that is a weird thought, but when my daddy died for a minute I thought he was the lucky one, the escaping the darkness of this world and going to heaven one. I was a little jealous. But then I was sick today, very sick. And I woke up finally feeling better and am really glad to be alive. I am glad to have more time with my husband and friends and family. I am glad to help some people who cross my path. I am glad to have a job from God to do and be productive. Sickness is sometimes a gift because it makes you appreciate life more. I am thankful!