The Sending of Flowers

So this morning, we ordered flowers to be sent to the funeral home for Grandpa’s funeral tomorrow. Money constraints do not allow us to go up for it so we sent flowers in our stead. There is something final in the sending of flowers but it is not without life for we sent the flowers in the form of a plant, which can live and be appreciated and enjoyed for years to come.there is something about cutting flowers that saddens my heart because they die, like another death. But a flower on a plant that has life and beauty continuing on is hopeful, pleasant, cheerful. And as Grandpa is in heaven now with my Daddy and Grandma (his wife) and his parents and siblings, there is life now. So in lieu of our life which could not attend, we sent the life of a flower. And that makes me as happy as I can be without being able to be there myself. We will miss you, Grandpa. We love you!

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Losing Grandpa to Heaven

As hard as it was to lose my Daddy four months ago, now my Grandpa (Edwin Metzler) has left this world and gone off to Heaven to join my Daddy and precious Grandma there. He was my last living on earth grandparent. And growing up, he was a missionaries kid in Africa and later in life a missionary to Arfrica with his wife and 3 girls. And when they retired from ministry to work and take care of their girls in the states, Grandpa was a math teacher for high school until he retired and then Derry college. What I remember best of gim, besides his relentless puns and incredible bass singing voice was his presence. He was rather aloof but I knew he loved us not because he said it much but because he was there. He and Daddy helped me move countless times. When we had programs or recitals, he was there with my Grandma. For every birthday party and holiday, he was there and we ate and played games most of the day. I remember he was always with us camping too and loved to swim. He didn’t say a lot that was serious, rather avoided seripus if he could, but when he did or when he was asked about the Bible or the Lord, he would stun you with his understanding and insights. He lived to 87 years of age and passed into Heaven a few hours ago. I am not mushy with tears like I was with daddy, but have shed some tears, but I feel the loss for sure, but I know that Heaven is now.being inundated with jokes and beautiful bass singing now and Daddy probably put him to work immediately in the choir and that makes me smile. At least I have Heaven to look forward to and being with Jesus most and my family. Many are there now along with my daughter. Looking forward to seeing them again when Jesus comes back for us. In the meanwhile, I will spend tomorrow afternoon with my mom remembering Grandpa and appreciating his spectacular life and ministry and jokes and presence. Thank God I had him in my life up til now!

The Song of Missing

Daddy, I watched you go. You waited for me. I cared for you as you suffered, unable to care for yourself for two years. I helped keep you at ho e as long as possible, where you most wanted to be with your family. You came here. God sent you down because He knew you needed me to love you out. God knew my arms were the ones you needed around you to take care of you as the stroke and dementia took control of your life. Hardest decision of my life was when we finally had to put you in a nursing home. It felt like giving up but we could not do it all day and night every day and night anymore and my husband kids needed me too. I got lost for a while in the constancy, then I got lost in the feeling of giving up. I know it was the best choice as staff was always there and it was such a good place. But watching your mind go was so hard, Daddy, my Pilar of strength, my hero, my protector and Champion. I was your girl always and I miss you so much. Daddy, I know you are enjoying heaven and I am so happy you are whole and with Jesus. You have no frustration over being stuck in a bed. You are free and running. You no longer have the loss of your amazing singing voice. You are singing songs now better than anyone else up there. You are home in Heaven with Jesus. I sang you there and held you out. What a blessing you were to me all my life, Daddy. Thank you, God, for giving me the best Daddy in the world. I know Jesus is coming soon and I will see him when you decide it is time. I am so full of life and love and am as hopeful about life as full of tears streaming down my face. You are good, God. You were so good to me to give me as long as you did with the best Daddy in the world. Thank you.

When Passes the Night

As the end comes for those we grew up listening to, a part of us ends. That comfortable spot in our memory of a singer or band or their collective music or works of art in an artist in general, even paintings or sculptures or movies or good books, is now uncomfortable or saddened to some degree. I had friends that called to comfort me when Rich Mullins died. I am now comforting my husband because Lake (of Lake, Emerson and Palmer) died. It is of great meaning when one whose work we utilized in our psyche growing up become unable to be seen. Knowing they are still out there is somehow comfortable for us. So losing them from this world we are a part of is very sad and we should grieve these things. They are a part of who we are. So peace with you, Mr. Lake, and thank you for the beautiful music you made that stirred my husband’s soul and caused him to miss you. You will be missed truly. God rest your soul. 

The Sick and the Dead

I felt like dead warmed up to a fever today, couldn’t keep a thing down, feverish, painful, both sides giving me heck. It was ugly. And I woke up at 9pm with at fever broken and no more getting sick but very tired. And my hubby was kind and generous enough to go to the store and get me a tome 7up to keep down and feel strengthened. It works for me. And I thought that I missed the day, was ill and the kids managed, though the house will be fun to clean up tomorrow and I am glad I was sick and not dead. And I know that is a weird thought, but when my daddy died for a minute I thought he was the lucky one, the escaping the darkness of this world and going to heaven one. I was a little jealous. But then I was sick today, very sick. And I woke up finally feeling better and am really glad to be alive. I am glad to have more time with my husband and friends and family. I am glad to help some people who cross my path. I am glad to have a job from God to do and be productive. Sickness is sometimes a gift because it makes you appreciate life more. I am thankful!

Daddy’s Final Half Hour

I want to share with those who knew and loved my Daddy, of which there were a lot, his last half hour. At home, about to begin band practice, my band family was there at the house. The call came in right before the first song was started. It was a text from mom that the nurse had called her to get there ASAP and she wanted me to go right away because she had just stepped out of the shower and would be a bit. I rushed out. I was glad to have had my band family’s support. It was comforting. I went alone. I entered his room and saw his labored breathing. He was uneasy, I could tell. He was fighting. He was a fighter with a strong will and I saw this as no exception. I walked in, just he and I there, and choked back tears. I held him and kissed his cheek and forehead and stroked his hair and prayed. With my touchhe calmed, breathing became calm. I asked Jesus what I should do, tears streaming down my face by now. He said “Sing” like He was right there in the room. So the only song I could think of in that moment was Jesus Loves Me, and I said, “I’m crying. Help me.” And immediately I could sing and sang about four verses while holding him and brushing my fingers through his hair. I stayed calm until I knew he was gone. The nurse came in and confirmed he was off to heaven. And I lost it. I know for a fact I could not have done any of that without Jesus’ help. And I know from experience that Jesus comforts those who mourn and he sure was right there answering prayer and waiting to see His son, my daddy, into heaven. Mom came in shortly after when I was calm again. I was so very blessed to have seen him go to glory. There was no pain and only peace once I prayed. Jesus answers prayer from a humble, sincere and intentional heart. He definitely does. There is no doubt in my mind at all. I wanted to share this. There is nothing on the planet that grows you up faster and changes you forever than losing someone you love. But one bit of comfort is that it is not forever. I will join him one day when God sees fitto change my home from earthly to Heavenly. And I feel closest to Daddy and God when I am out in His world walking, caring for it, serving other people and worshipping God. I am happiest seeing a field or being in one. Makes me feel closer to him and Him. I know Daddy is with Jesus and singing. He’s fix anything broken too, but pretty sure nothing is broke in heaven. But they will sort that out. I will focus so as to be with him one day. You should too. 🙂

Praying Alone in Pain

Having recently lost someone important forever, I was reminded how fragile it all is. How we can laugh one minute and be shattered again St the rocks the next. And tonight, trying to recover from the recent blow, I am informed that my good friend lost her fight tonight. The car who hit her was also unexpected but recovery had looked so close but God thought heaven was a better home for her. And I loved her too. Also tonight while visiting my beloved Daddy, he didn’t know me, has been eating very little and sleeping a lot, can’t stay upright in a wheelchair anymore. And I am wondering just how strong God believes that I am or need to be. Of course everyone in the house is asleep and as I sit alone in my room, I cry. No, I weep. My heart mourns in sorrow and groans in grief. I am just a human being. I feel deeply. I am ripped to shreds. Just how humble do you want me, Lord? I do not doubt You, for You know everything and always what is best for everyone somehow, so much more than we do, but I am doubting the strength You gifted me with. I am doubting I can take any more of it. I am wondering how You will rebuild my brokenness, heal my heart. I know You understand pain. I know people were taken from you too. I know you felt alone sometimes too. I am talking to You knowing you feel me, you get it but not knowing anything else. So here I am to hold, Jesus. You are my only arms right now, Lord. I feel so tiny, so unimportant and I know You probably have a plan I can’t see. Again, I trust You. I will just shut up now and hope You hold me, Jesus. I need you.