Made to Feel

I used to get angry at myself for showing my feelings. It always seemed to be frowned upon. I was always a very emotional girl but no one would ever know it. I was led to believe crying is for babies and emotional outbursts were for the out of control and thus a crime. I stifled. I wondered why we had feelings if we could never express them. Then I thought maybe they were for marriage, to pour into your mate for life. And then I had no feelings left after a very short amount of time and did not know where to go from there. Upon remarrying, my husband quiets and limits my emotion and feelings also so again I am quelled. Why does God give us emotions if we have to stifle them all the time? There must be a reason because He never makes mistakes and I am not questioning Him, just me. Am I so different? Is this my biggest reason I am weird?  Even worshipping, people want quiet reverence when I want to scream and dance that my Savior lives and loves us and is coming soon!!! There seems a strange conundrum here. Perhaps it is because we are made for something more… some greater freedom. Maybe heaven will be loud and fun. Maybe we are given feelings to motivate us to act. Maybe evil screwed that all up too and we will be free when it is laid to rest soon. For whatever reason, I will continue to ride it out and try my very best to minimize my emotions and discount my feelings. I warn you, though, I am gaining ground with self-control (why one person that attacked my family is still unharmed and will remain so- I forgive her) but I am caring less and less what others think of my worshipping the Lord corporately. I care what God thinks. Everyone else, not so much anymore. I obey God, not them.❤

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Chivalry is Nearly Dead

So, Steve replaced the battery contacts and charged the battery and I am running it to keep it up. Praise God!!! And thank you, Steve also. And I decided while I had to run around a bit to stop and put air in my tires, as they need it. And waiting in line, some jerk pulls in front of me to beat me to the air. In a monster truck. With a smolder on his jerk face. And his lights are on in my face. And the old me would have whipped his tail. Literally. But the closeness to Jesus has calmed me. So now I realize it is just that in the end times people are lovers of themselves. Only. And I feel sorry for the selfish guy and so many others missing out on the joy and happiness of chivalry and service. It may be nearly gone, but when Jesus returns, wow, I will not care then. ❤

Bettering vs Obeying

There is much celebrated emphasis on bettering yourself, self-love, self-awareness, all very self-centered. And while we are all very important, from the homeless beggar to the king on velvet, we are not the only person our lives should be about. I have felt lately that my greatest strength (and I am notably strong in many areas) is the decision to humbly obey and worship God. Humble obedience says the opposite of self-centeredness. It says I am not nearly as important as my Creator God and He deserves my respect and worship and the honor of humbly obeying His ideals for my life. He knows what is best for me and everyone and I trust Him completely. That humble obedience is stronger and more deeply fulfilling than a million people focusing on what greatness I may possess. The Creator is greater by a million times than the created. And that is true even though we are lovingly and purposely made and thus very important. Focus is the key. Knowing our God is phenomenally motivated. How beautiful He is is poured into His beautiful creation, seen all around us in soft landscapes, glorious sunsets and the beautiful souls of people of all ages, races, backgrounds, textures, passions, pursuits. The diversity of beauty He created should put God on the highest throne of the world, a place of high esteem and honor and of course love and respect. I serve an amazing, magnificent God. I am proud to be humble and obey and worship Him. That is worth the emphasis of my life. ❤❤❤

Narcissists Should Change

Among us Earthlings, we have really good people who love their maker God. We also have these selfish souls who have decided they are their own best gods and must have made themselves and made everyone else to exist for their benefit. These people are called narcissists. Narcissists take and never give, much like entitled parasites. They demand but never give. They insist upon their way, their praises, our worship and give back only more demands and enough of whatever we desire to get their way and hot one drop more. They shapeshift to keep from being found out, they lie and coerce and manipulate and require praise and worship in return. They appear perfect and make every effort to be charming and delightful and put up such a great front that everyone insists this is an amazing person. The perception of them changes as soon as they reveal their true colors and cold heart and have drained their forced worshipers of their life and energy and moved on to greener pastures, better, younger, higher energy, undamaged, strong so they can eat well and feed their egos anew. And until these people humble themselves before God and acknowledge Him as the One who should be worshipped (until they are forced to their knees on judgment day and it is too late), they will only be as temporarily happy ad their next conquest and will never know truth and God’s peace and lasting joy. They will continue to terrorize and bully and play these immature games until they draw their last breath. Narcissists need to change. For their sake and the sake of all of society. Our beautiful world is more and more polluted by these creatures and good people are unapologetically hurt every day. If change is not executed and true change only Jesus can bring, these folks will be required to continue being their own God into eternity and be separated from the real powerful God of the universe. And I don’t wish that on anyone.

Time Alone

I have forced some just me time lately, not time being mommy or wife or friend or musician but just me. I determined that I needed that, going through some things lately in life, lots of loss and missing people and family back home and bff hurting and daddy declining in health, so many things. I don’t think alone time is selfish or greedy and can pretty much in my case keep me sane and better in every way. So I took some, insisted even. I found out some very interesting things. Turns out, when I spend time alone, I always impecibly end up spending time with God. The s out He loves me despite me being me and I felt that. Second thing is that I really like me. I know that seems odd but when so much goes on, it is easy to get unsure, I secure, feel really ugly and discarded, feel really really alone, and it was an amazing and refreshing energy that rebuilt my heart and I realized that the me that God made is still there shining. I am still there under it all. Not the me people see, so perfectly crazy (OK, so I added the perfectly part) and strong in consistency while sweet. I don’t mean that. I mean the inner core, the fighter, the artist, the leader, the thinker and inventor, the mechanic, the doctor and healer and scientist, the lover of people. I am still there. I am not less for my wear but deeper. I am stronger with experience a d not damaged from it. And I thought how very thankful I am that God allows me growth because so many count on me. If I always had great things happen, I could never ever achieve this depth. God seriously loves me and this is why He allows badness in my life and I follow like a little rabbit down a hole. He allows it not because He is mean but because He loves me so very much. He knows I respect and learn from that which breaks me. The strong willed, and no one is more so, require God’s intervention to tame and break and develop. You break a horse to make that horse fit for service and useful. Evidently I am the horse in my Analogy. Lol Should have thought that one through a little. Ha! Needless to say, friends of mine, if I am teetering on crazy, please send me away to be alone. It is far better therapy for me than anything else on the planet. Praise God He showed me that!! He is so good!!

The Waiting

I don’t remember asking God to teach me patience. I did that long ago and it was quite unpleasant. But I find myself nonetheless quite stuck in the middle of several waiting games of sorts. For a fast moving soul and mind, this is a very uncomfortable at times place to be. There is no action I can take to hasten any of these clocks. There is no cure, no instant fix, no way to change my circumstances, no solution I can work out except to wait. So I wait. And wait. And wait. And while I am waiting, my comfort level in the waiting decreases. I am quite uncomfortable. However, and this is vital, my waiting is purposeful and thus a very important task for me to perform to learn and grow. I accept this uncomfortable waiting in so many arenas because that is my present course of personal growth. I will continue to wait for God’s timing because He knows more than I do. When you push a rope, you get a whole lot of rope piled in a mess that isn’t useful to anyone. When you fight God’s (or anyone else’s) timing, you end up miserable in the long run. You may temporarily get what you want, but you lose the prize down the road. So, I choose to uncomfortably wait. I choose discomfort and growth in the now for the promise of better in the then. I believe this is wise. I believe it is the right course. I may fight now and again to still feel important and still matter and still be who I am in the waiting, but I will still wait. I may falter in nuances but not in substance. I may wish to feel better than I do at times in the wait but I will wait for that also. I may sometimes feel rejected, unappreciated, lost, abandoned, hurt, lonely, all these and more but I never walk alone. I am still God’s little girl. As such, waiting with Him is never without cause, without hope and without a deep level of peace way below my impatient spaces. I am beautiful and important, not because of me but because I was made by Him. I am important and worthy to be treated honorably and respectfully not because of me but because of Him. I am worth more than I am treated in the waiting because of Him. It is an understanding essential to survival through this dark wait. My mind roars on, my body pushes me relentlessly, my soul even longs for the waiting to be over but if God wills that I wait, I will to wait. My will and His Spirit will sustain me as I push through the wanting and waiting. And success will come someday. Waiting is not forever. It may seem like it but it is not. Or there would be no reason to wait. An end to the waiting is hope. I have to focus on that. I have nothing else and often no one else but God. And God is enough.

I Know Who You Are

You are not who you think you are. You are not who other people think you are. You are not what your mom or dad said necessarily. You are not who your myriad of critics say you are. You are none of those. You might be searching. You might wonder what else. You might have doubts, questions, thoughts. You might not care, seeing only the nose on your face. You might think you are what you do or what you eat or don’t eat or what you look like in the mirror. You are definitely not the bad things that happened to you or how ugly you felt during those times. You are not those things. You are most certainly not a series of various flaws held together by some miracle of evolution, mutation mistakes. Absurd! So, who are you? If I am so smart, who am I? What makes you so pompous to think you actually know me! But you see, there is a book that tells me who you are. People come with manuals and don’t even know it. I have read your manual. I have read mine. Here is who you are and who I am.
Ephesians 2:10 says I am God’s workmanship, created by God ahead of time for good works.
John 1:12 says I am a child of God.
1 John 4:4 says I am an overcoming child because the Holy Spirit in me is greater than anything in this world.
Galatians 3:26 says I am a child of God through faith.
2 Timothy 1:7 says I have a Spirit of power and self control.
2 Corinthians 12:27 says I am the a member of the body of Christ.
Philippians 3:20 says I am a citizen of Heaven.
1 Thessalonians 5:5 says I am a child of the light and the day.
1 Corinthians 6:20 says I was bought with a price.
2 Corinthians 5:20 says I am an ambassador of Christ.
Psalms 139:14 says I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Philippians 4:13 says I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
There are many other verses, many other truths yours for the reading. But you get the idea. The thing is this. You and I are who God says we are. The reason He knows so much is because He is not only your designer and engineer, the entire Creation force behind your existence, but He is also the undisputed lover of your soul. His creating you was not some fleeting thought, it was purposeful. You and I are incredible works of art, unable to be duplicated and priceless. You are not who you think because you are more. And no one can know the extent of it greater than the One who knows even up to date how many hairs are on your head or body or what sparkle arises in your eyes when you do that which He gave you to love the most. So when someone says you are this or that or when someone says you aren’t this or that or can not do this or that, respectfully shut their ignorance up and do not accept it as fact because they have no clue who God made you to be. And obviously they do not know themselves either because only in this ignorance can one person judge anything about another.