Bandages in Recovery

Ending my addiction was a great gift of mercy and grace from God. I was blessed in my life to have loving people who prayed for me regularly and God answered their faithful prayers. I feel it is a gift every day to be in recovery.

However, it is not easy. I made tons of messes along the way while I was busy being a selfish addict- which all addicts are- and bandages have to be ready to apply all the time. God forgave me and I have recently also forgiven me. But, I made many bad choices that people are not so easy to forgive because they seriously hurt them. I have to try to heal relationships with my kids for one. I have given them years of bad parenting- I did my best and tried to love them but was a secret selfish addict and that always affects innocent children for years. Trying to do my best now is hard because I am not sure how to do all this while feeling everything. I have come a long way but have very far to go. I need a lot of bandaids ready at a moment’s notice and hope and am praying that my kids don’t take up addictions to temporarily mask their pain. They never last long and God is a much better, healing choice for true freedom.

I have to give myself grace while feeling very alone. My saving grace is having a relationship with the Lord. I trust Him and He takes care of me. I am trying to figure out how to do things. So I keep putting on bandaids and pray for God’s deep healing in their lives and mine as we keep going in recovery. Praise God! I am so thankful to be in recovery! God is so good!πŸ˜ƒβ€οΈ

Living Out Loud but Suffering in Silence

My grandma used to tell me to share the good with everyone but only share the bad with God. This is wisdom. I tend to live out loud- every personality test has me as extraverted as you can get. I process out loud. I reason out loud. I debate out loud on the spot. I worship out loud. But I tend to suffer in silence. This is why I blog. I can convey things I cannot convey out loud. But today, I realized I have not obeyed the second half of my grandma’s wisdom. Share the bad only with God. I need to work on that and work mostly on sharing it with God right away. I carry it too long, some wretched ego still at play. I lay it now at my Father God’s feet. I ask Him to lighten my load and murkiness and dance with me. I rested in Him today and I praise Him and thank Him for reminding me of grandma’s words and His capability and faithfulness to carry my burdens and hear my voice of sorrow and replace it with joy and peace. I am very thankful!πŸ˜ƒβ€οΈ

Sometimes

Sometimes we cling to friends. Sometimes we cling to family. Sometime everyone is busy and we cling to diversions. But by far the healthiest first and best Person for us to cling to is Jesus. We should start there. He is for us, lives us, knows us more intimately than anyone else, understands, has the power to do anything, and is never too busy to cling to. In fact, unlike most people, He longs for us to cling to Him. We are never alone. He is never elsewhere. Cling to Jesus.πŸ˜ƒβ€οΈ

Homesick

I have always been a traveller. I have always felt like a foreigner. I have always been weird, out of the loop, never popular and never wanting to be, always well known and a leader naturally but never feeling like I really belong or am accepted as I am fully- except with God, with my best friend, with my Daddy, with my Aunt Rosie and my Grandmas. I guess that is more than most but the only living ones left are God, of course, Aunt Rosie and Shawny and God is the only one less than a day’s drive away. So I would be terribly lonely without the Lord. Yes, I teach and kids, old people and animals love me, but that is it. I am.not sure most of the time my husband likes me. I am just a weird cut. Don’t get me wrong, I am ok with that most of the time. But right now, I am lonely.

So, when lonely and homesick for my hometown and family, I pray and God, who has always been there loving me, comforts me. To Him I go and love Him so much! And He brings me joy and peace and love. And someday soon I will be caught up and delivered to Heaven. And that I am looking forward to and can call home. It will be good to finally be home.πŸ˜„β€