When we lose someone very close to us, someone dearly loved, for some of us who feel very deeply, it is a heavy weight for a very long time. And almost a year later, I am finally starting with God’s constant help and comfort, to move the missed loved one from the forefront of my mind into a section of beautiful memories that are available for recall. There is a fading that God blessed me with and generously granted me, a not-the-first-thing-I-think-about day, night and in the middle anymore. God is generously by grace filling those positions with Himself because like a little persistent child, I keep asking Him to. It is debilitating to keep someone alive in your mind when they are no longer alive in your world. You have to start the process with God’s help of putting them back into the mind and keep God in the place of worship, focus, immediate thought. I had to and God has gradually allowed it and I am so thankful. I still miss him like crazy but I am here now, ready to serve and be present for God and my family and people in my spaces. Praise God!
I looked back today at how incredibly far I have grown/matured/learned in the last couple of years. And I was struck at how far God had to bring me and the extremes He had to use to get my attention. I honestly had not admitted or even believed I was so prideful and stubborn. I had taken care of myself (in my eyes) for so long that I did not see that God had taken care of me all along. I trusted myself and now trust God. I had taken pride in what my hands made and did and now take pride in what God allows me to do for His glory. I had been addicted to technology and wasted time on it for self-glorification and laziness and now I use my gifts to bring glory to God. This humbleness is God’s greatest and hardest won achievement in me. It took a journey of death and separation, of dread and loneliness, of depression and mourning, and now this glorious light of God pours out of me. I want to worship, love opening my Bible and reading it as truth in love, love meeting with a church family, there is nothing better than fostering this relationship with God on a deep, spiritual level. Everything else works itself out. It is passion, a fire relic by God and now used for Him. I am so thankful. Praise God Almighty who draws us to Himself in any way we let Him! Praise Him for His ceaseless, tireless love for us to continue pulling us to Himself and keep giving chances with such enormous grace! Praise God for never letting us forget His love and blessings on us! Praise God for truth and hope and being that!
Daylight to me is life. And it has nothing to do with the sun, no matter how much I love the sun. It is the Son, Jesus Christ who is the Light and Truth. I drink deeply of the daylight of God’s truth and love and holiness. There is no greater or more satisfying energy source than a that of humble worship, intense prayer and Bible study. And obedience is life. I obey God because He is the only One worthy of our healthy fear and respect but moreso or equally rather because I know He loves me. He holds me when I cry or ask Him. He wipes my tears. He allows me to be tried and tested to be sure I know where my heart is toward Him in reality. He already knows. He thinks of little tiny me in the big universe enough to hear my prayers. Wow! Have you truly considered that? The best thing that ever happened to me was humbly accepting Jesus Christ as my Savior and starting a love and respect relationship with God who lovingly and purposefully made everything I know about and even don’t know about. Oh how I love Him!!! ❤
I admit humbly that I was convicted tonight. I watched a youtube video of Heartdwellers on the rapture and was convicted by the Holy Spirit to quit being on social media and just obey, fast and pray. I have been on Twitter a lot tweeting Bible verses, my blog, and encouraging quotes. That few hear. A lot of time is wasted that I could be spending more learn g time with my kids or serving with them or volunteering more with Viste (helping elderly in need) or take my kids to play with kids at the orphanage in town or serve food at the homeless shelter or something. I thought I was doing this great mission thing but end up only heard by those who agree and not ministering at all so I will obey and get off all social media. My mom just did a piano concert at an assisted living facility and I would like to do that too. And I have a family to care for and house that needs a sprung cleaning. So there it is. I will keep blogging because I have beautiful regular readers to share life with, some feel like family but I will delete all other social media accounts. That may not be what everyone else needs to do but I have to obey what God wants me to do. I have been like my daughter when I tell her to get ready for bed and accounts he draws me a beautiful picture and I say, “This is beautiful but I would rather you just obeyed.” And it feels like God said the same to me. And I so want to be ready when He comes back soon. I want my family ready and as many people as I can help be ready as possible. And tomorrow so the big deletion day and I will be off and running with sweet sweet obedience as my goal and love my engine and peace and joy my strength.
In the last year, I have gone through such a radical journey in my mind, it is difficult to remember who I was before this force-fed maturity. Lol I was this free-spirited, laughter – loving, self-sufficient woman with a firmly decisive view on life and how to live it. Having been through a series of losses and illness and caretaking and deaths, I careened into a cycle of falling apart and humbling myself, something no doubt long overdue in my life, but with more tears thrown in there than I have ever cried before in the entirety of my life. I was broken. I was damaged. I was lost for a bit. It was ugly because I felt truly alone inside, even with my living kids and husband who rallied to love me and a few amazing friends of new and old. And I tell you not for one minute did God ever give up on me or refuse to comfort every breakdown in tears. And I gradually started to get it. I started to see how this smart doctor really needed this series of events to appreciate simplicity and know God better and be humbled enough to grow as a woman into a deeper love of God. I am on Twitter and blog and cannot help but share God with everyone. He is so good. I know and understand this first hand. He resaved this little girl. I am nothing without His love and loving grace interference. I am so thankful that He rescued me from the mire of self-pity and depression I was falling into and restored His gift of laughter to me and seconded that gift with a new superpower: empathy. It is a heavy gift but a beautiful one because I am so much more connected with people around me and before I was always so weird and a bit, well, aloof, when it came to emotions. I saw them as weakness and now I see they have purpose and strength when utilized to help and comfort and release. There is and new me in here and most of this journey quite frankly occurred in my mind. I believe our journeys occur in our minds and hearts primarily and our physical manifestation is a long time coming, an ordeal of many years of internal devotion. This is why it is so important to keep our minds focused on Jesus Christ and His Word. This is why I often put scripture on Twitter and my blogs. This is why I read it and load up on Truth and teach my kids. We have to worship God with our minds and hearts before we can ever expect to serve Him and mankind with our lives. Our actions result from the ambitions and meanderings and obsessions of our minds and hearts. From this, we act. And God sees and looks at the heart and mind. He knows us better than anyone, having lovingly designed us and all, and He will judge our motivations first and foremost and actions second. It is impertinent we keep a clean house of our mind and heart. This journey is first of the mind. We must think and feel God and Truth and Light and keep feeding on these healthy things. This journey may be hard and arduous but if we use the right tools of God’s Word, prayer, humility, self-control, it will seem shorter, easier, more peaceful and joyful. ❤
Let them go. It is not easy to say that when it is fresh. Sometimes it takes 8 months. Sometimes it takes years. Sometimes it takes considerably less. The point is to get there. In time you will see it for what it is. Maybe a release and celebration that that person you loved is in a better place. Sometimes they didn’t deserve your love and is in a worse place. There are a myriad of possibilities. But guess what? God knows everything and loves you dearly. Dearly. You are so precious to Him. And He comforts those who mourn and ask Him to. And the closer you draw to Him, the more truth He reveals to you and opens your eyes to His provision for you. And He knows it is best that they be gone from your life, for your sake or theirs or His. And let them go. If they walk out, for good reasons or bad, let them go. Give up perceived control over the situation or unreal expectation or lies or selfishness to want someone unhealthy or selfishly wanting to keep someone stuck on this earth rather than be in Heaven because of your grief. Give it up to God. Pray. Get into the Word, the Bible. Really wrap yourself up in Jesus’ arms. Hold to truth and memorize it. Let them go. I did, it took a while, but everything is as it should be. God is in charge. All is right. And I am healthier for it. God is so very good!! He knows what He is doing and loves you so very much. Lean on Him. I am here too. 🙂 ❤
Some really good things in life take time to develop. We have had an empty room, a closet with no shelving, a blank space really for some time (7 years), just being used to hold stuff, storage. Meanwhile, we have had no pantry, little storage space and an eyesore. Now is the time. Finally we have money available, a new shed to put things into that was in there, carpenter available, materials assembled, electric ready, baseboards removed, everything prepared. It all takes time. Masterpieces do not happen overnight. This pantry, when done will have a sink with running water, countertops shelving, like a mini kitchen with lots of storage. It will be beautiful! And I was thinking about it. People, including me, want things to happen immediately, instant gratification, with perfect results. Life is not like that. There are processes we need to go through. There is an order to things. And God knows the right timing for these things to stick when they get here. Were the pantry put together haphazardly, it would not have the best function for us. And in waiting for it, we realize exactly what we need, which is not what we had originally thought. So planning and time is beneficial for a great new pantry. And for many of the things in our lives personally. If we take our time and process the options before making decisions, maybe they also will be even better for everyone. As I age and mature and God blesses me with wisdom, it is making more sense to take my time and do things right. Amazing things come to those who wait. Like Heaven waits for us and comes in due time, a great pantry will be made and perfected in due time. Yay!!