I admit humbly that I was convicted tonight. I watched a youtube video of Heartdwellers on the rapture and was convicted by the Holy Spirit to quit being on social media and just obey, fast and pray. I have been on Twitter a lot tweeting Bible verses, my blog, and encouraging quotes. That few hear. A lot of time is wasted that I could be spending more learn g time with my kids or serving with them or volunteering more with Viste (helping elderly in need) or take my kids to play with kids at the orphanage in town or serve food at the homeless shelter or something. I thought I was doing this great mission thing but end up only heard by those who agree and not ministering at all so I will obey and get off all social media. My mom just did a piano concert at an assisted living facility and I would like to do that too. And I have a family to care for and house that needs a sprung cleaning. So there it is. I will keep blogging because I have beautiful regular readers to share life with, some feel like family but I will delete all other social media accounts. That may not be what everyone else needs to do but I have to obey what God wants me to do. I have been like my daughter when I tell her to get ready for bed and accounts he draws me a beautiful picture and I say, “This is beautiful but I would rather you just obeyed.” And it feels like God said the same to me. And I so want to be ready when He comes back soon. I want my family ready and as many people as I can help be ready as possible. And tomorrow so the big deletion day and I will be off and running with sweet sweet obedience as my goal and love my engine and peace and joy my strength.
In the last year, I have gone through such a radical journey in my mind, it is difficult to remember who I was before this force-fed maturity. Lol I was this free-spirited, laughter – loving, self-sufficient woman with a firmly decisive view on life and how to live it. Having been through a series of losses and illness and caretaking and deaths, I careened into a cycle of falling apart and humbling myself, something no doubt long overdue in my life, but with more tears thrown in there than I have ever cried before in the entirety of my life. I was broken. I was damaged. I was lost for a bit. It was ugly because I felt truly alone inside, even with my living kids and husband who rallied to love me and a few amazing friends of new and old. And I tell you not for one minute did God ever give up on me or refuse to comfort every breakdown in tears. And I gradually started to get it. I started to see how this smart doctor really needed this series of events to appreciate simplicity and know God better and be humbled enough to grow as a woman into a deeper love of God. I am on Twitter and blog and cannot help but share God with everyone. He is so good. I know and understand this first hand. He resaved this little girl. I am nothing without His love and loving grace interference. I am so thankful that He rescued me from the mire of self-pity and depression I was falling into and restored His gift of laughter to me and seconded that gift with a new superpower: empathy. It is a heavy gift but a beautiful one because I am so much more connected with people around me and before I was always so weird and a bit, well, aloof, when it came to emotions. I saw them as weakness and now I see they have purpose and strength when utilized to help and comfort and release. There is and new me in here and most of this journey quite frankly occurred in my mind. I believe our journeys occur in our minds and hearts primarily and our physical manifestation is a long time coming, an ordeal of many years of internal devotion. This is why it is so important to keep our minds focused on Jesus Christ and His Word. This is why I often put scripture on Twitter and my blogs. This is why I read it and load up on Truth and teach my kids. We have to worship God with our minds and hearts before we can ever expect to serve Him and mankind with our lives. Our actions result from the ambitions and meanderings and obsessions of our minds and hearts. From this, we act. And God sees and looks at the heart and mind. He knows us better than anyone, having lovingly designed us and all, and He will judge our motivations first and foremost and actions second. It is impertinent we keep a clean house of our mind and heart. This journey is first of the mind. We must think and feel God and Truth and Light and keep feeding on these healthy things. This journey may be hard and arduous but if we use the right tools of God’s Word, prayer, humility, self-control, it will seem shorter, easier, more peaceful and joyful. ❤
Let them go. It is not easy to say that when it is fresh. Sometimes it takes 8 months. Sometimes it takes years. Sometimes it takes considerably less. The point is to get there. In time you will see it for what it is. Maybe a release and celebration that that person you loved is in a better place. Sometimes they didn’t deserve your love and is in a worse place. There are a myriad of possibilities. But guess what? God knows everything and loves you dearly. Dearly. You are so precious to Him. And He comforts those who mourn and ask Him to. And the closer you draw to Him, the more truth He reveals to you and opens your eyes to His provision for you. And He knows it is best that they be gone from your life, for your sake or theirs or His. And let them go. If they walk out, for good reasons or bad, let them go. Give up perceived control over the situation or unreal expectation or lies or selfishness to want someone unhealthy or selfishly wanting to keep someone stuck on this earth rather than be in Heaven because of your grief. Give it up to God. Pray. Get into the Word, the Bible. Really wrap yourself up in Jesus’ arms. Hold to truth and memorize it. Let them go. I did, it took a while, but everything is as it should be. God is in charge. All is right. And I am healthier for it. God is so very good!! He knows what He is doing and loves you so very much. Lean on Him. I am here too. 🙂 ❤
Some really good things in life take time to develop. We have had an empty room, a closet with no shelving, a blank space really for some time (7 years), just being used to hold stuff, storage. Meanwhile, we have had no pantry, little storage space and an eyesore. Now is the time. Finally we have money available, a new shed to put things into that was in there, carpenter available, materials assembled, electric ready, baseboards removed, everything prepared. It all takes time. Masterpieces do not happen overnight. This pantry, when done will have a sink with running water, countertops shelving, like a mini kitchen with lots of storage. It will be beautiful! And I was thinking about it. People, including me, want things to happen immediately, instant gratification, with perfect results. Life is not like that. There are processes we need to go through. There is an order to things. And God knows the right timing for these things to stick when they get here. Were the pantry put together haphazardly, it would not have the best function for us. And in waiting for it, we realize exactly what we need, which is not what we had originally thought. So planning and time is beneficial for a great new pantry. And for many of the things in our lives personally. If we take our time and process the options before making decisions, maybe they also will be even better for everyone. As I age and mature and God blesses me with wisdom, it is making more sense to take my time and do things right. Amazing things come to those who wait. Like Heaven waits for us and comes in due time, a great pantry will be made and perfected in due time. Yay!!
The truth is I am not good at losing people. I used to be great at it, many many moves ago, living in so many places, you are still friends far away but it is all good. Some people are great at losing people, shake it off and you wonder if they care deeply for anyone they are so flippant or nonchallant. A lot of people when dumped just say “Oh well, his loss” and move on. I am made of deeper running waters. I am not sure if it is the musician or artist in me or the Spirit of God who loves everybody or just how I am cut with few friends I let in my inner circle. But losing people affects me deeply. I will have good days, productive laughter filled days. And at night I am a sobbing mess just wondering how to fill such a chasm they left and justifying my leaving the chasm unfilled as a memorial somehow or I am dishonor in them. And the truth is that Christians are supposed to not mourn so long and moms are not supposed to take some time to care for themselves just keep going, and you wonder why no one tells the truth about such things. Why bottle it in? Am I the only one? And I know God is healing and restoring me, I am at peace and joy is coming back but the process is two steps forward and then one or two back and you wonder if this is still the journey or you are caught in some dance. And I pray yet again and God comforts me yet again. And maybe the depth of the heart and love therein is proportional to how much you had needed to be loved by the person you lost. And maybe the fullness of sorrow is not overcome by the fullness of missing the absent person but by a blood curdling scream at the injustice and injury and sickness and evil of the current world and releasing the desire to be loved by someone other than the deepest love of God. Maybe releasing what we long for and think we need is the key to opening up the door for God to walk in deeper with His perfect love and fill us permanently. Maybe.
So, turns out even the deepest of mourning and ugly sadness and loss and illness has an end. There is a corner you turn in the process of God’s healing, most probably be a use if we turn the corner too soon, we keep going back to it. It is a decision that cannot come too soon, there is a process. I tried to rush that as I try to rush much of life and recently God helped me make a conscience decision to relax, be quiet, simplify and wait it out. I did so and with the help of God, my husband and kids and a handful of amazing friends, I have indeed turned that corner. I went swimming with the kids yesterday, exercised last night, listened to good music, read, watched a little home improvement shows, and planned some of our own with my husband, whose patience and new encouragement I so appreciate. So there you go. I am living proof of the healing process. I have turned a corner and God’s hope is there. I have walked quite literally through the shadow of death and while I never feared because my faith is strong, I wondered if I would live there forever. And my Good Good Father brought me through the valley. And now I understand His quiet methods and timing much better for having gone through it and fully realize His strength and wisdom and not my own that saw me through and led me back to whole. He reseal ed my heart with His healing so it remembers but is renewed stronger. Praise God who is so good! Praise God wisdom go loves us! Praise God wisdom gogo is wise and loving and present!! How I love Him!!!
I was having trouble kicking the blues. I look after my mom more now that my daddy went off to heaven, and while that is a good thing to do, it has been hard because my daddy is still in every inch of her house. And I have had a really hard time with missing him. Also having recently fought off the respiratory virus going around, I have overall been very drained and exhausted. Of course I have still worked my tail off handling everything but am tired afterward and a bit lethargic whereas I use to never tire until my head hit the pillow late at night. So recently, we quit one of our bands to lighten the load and took afterward nd vacation to boot. And I must say that therapy of silence (well, relative silence) and pairing down has worked some pretty amazing recovering. I feel like a human being again. I even had extra energy to get the rest of the dirt spread! It is only getting better! Sometimes God gives us pauses for different seasons of life to heal us up and prepare us for better. And I am falling into His arms and am happy to be here.