In the last year, I have gone through such a radical journey in my mind, it is difficult to remember who I was before this force-fed maturity. Lol I was this free-spirited, laughter – loving, self-sufficient woman with a firmly decisive view on life and how to live it. Having been through a series of losses and illness and caretaking and deaths, I careened into a cycle of falling apart and humbling myself, something no doubt long overdue in my life, but with more tears thrown in there than I have ever cried before in the entirety of my life. I was broken. I was damaged. I was lost for a bit. It was ugly because I felt truly alone inside, even with my living kids and husband who rallied to love me and a few amazing friends of new and old. And I tell you not for one minute did God ever give up on me or refuse to comfort every breakdown in tears. And I gradually started to get it. I started to see how this smart doctor really needed this series of events to appreciate simplicity and know God better and be humbled enough to grow as a woman into a deeper love of God. I am on Twitter and blog and cannot help but share God with everyone. He is so good. I know and understand this first hand. He resaved this little girl. I am nothing without His love and loving grace interference. I am so thankful that He rescued me from the mire of self-pity and depression I was falling into and restored His gift of laughter to me and seconded that gift with a new superpower: empathy. It is a heavy gift but a beautiful one because I am so much more connected with people around me and before I was always so weird and a bit, well, aloof, when it came to emotions. I saw them as weakness and now I see they have purpose and strength when utilized to help and comfort and release. There is and new me in here and most of this journey quite frankly occurred in my mind. I believe our journeys occur in our minds and hearts primarily and our physical manifestation is a long time coming, an ordeal of many years of internal devotion. This is why it is so important to keep our minds focused on Jesus Christ and His Word. This is why I often put scripture on Twitter and my blogs. This is why I read it and load up on Truth and teach my kids. We have to worship God with our minds and hearts before we can ever expect to serve Him and mankind with our lives. Our actions result from the ambitions and meanderings and obsessions of our minds and hearts. From this, we act. And God sees and looks at the heart and mind. He knows us better than anyone, having lovingly designed us and all, and He will judge our motivations first and foremost and actions second. It is impertinent we keep a clean house of our mind and heart. This journey is first of the mind. We must think and feel God and Truth and Light and keep feeding on these healthy things. This journey may be hard and arduous but if we use the right tools of God’s Word, prayer, humility, self-control, it will seem shorter, easier, more peaceful and joyful. ❤
A quote tribute to Lion King, or something like that. I had trouble, so many often have trouble letting go of something holding you back, whether someone’s negative statement in your head or an old flame or a past temptation or a desire to go back to simpler times or a grasp on people who have passed. There is something in most people’s life that is present but has past a while ago. And these things are generally comfort zones for us or good excuses to be lazy or not try harder or not enjoy life now because you would dishonor this or that person or memory. These things, good or bad things, need to go behind us on our journey. They, again good or bad, are an extra burden to carry on your present journey of life, with life as a hiking trip to heaven. I love Pilgrim’s Progress for that reason. It is true. There are so many things to stop us and deter us from our quest, good and bad. And here we are carrying this extra baggage. It is heavy. God gives us every day what we need for the journey for that day and that barrage of trials. The extra weight needs to be unloaded. How do we do that? There is an obvious emotional attachment to these things/people. There is a heart connection or we would not still have it now right? Well, God is our loving Heavenly Father as well as the most powerful being in the universe, and when we humbly ask Him to help us and mean it for the purpose of God being more important than what we are clinging to (the Bible calls them idols), God answers that sincere prayer. How do I know? Because He did it for me. And I am just a little girl. If He can do it for me, He can do it for you. Then keep praying every day not to pick it back up again. God and you have this!!!
I see around me women working and men often bumbing off of them. Women ruling and men being ruled. Women then having their babies and taking care of them financially and in every way then guys leaving or cheating then leaving because they aren’t getting what they feel they deserved. Even worse, they get kicked out of their current location with the new girl sponsor and move back in with their kid’s mom, the first girl, and getting back with her. And the cycle continues. I saw this recently in someone I thought was a friend. Wow, what an eye opener. This. Is. Wrong. Let me say it again, it is wrong. It is horrible for the kids, horrible for the adults, horrible for all the mistresses who believe the lies, horrible sins against God and humanity. It is hideous, atrocious, and I needed to voice this injustice to the world and demand better behavior from people in society. Pick a spouse and be satisfied with that spouse. Love them. Pour into them. Men, take care of your family, work for God’s sake and take care of them. Stay with and raise your child. Life isn’t just about you. There are many others out there, you Andre not special. The way to be special is to settle down, raise a family, bond with them, take them to church, get close to God, stay with and stand by God and your family, this is how to be a good man. Women, shut up and let them be men they need to be. Encourage them, help them meet good goals for you all, be okay with supportive loving wife. Respect him. Get people out of your lives that do not support your family as a whole. My rant is through. My anger is diminished. Please be good and want right, people. Jesus is Coming soon, no one knows exactly when so be ready. God bless you!
Let them go. It is not easy to say that when it is fresh. Sometimes it takes 8 months. Sometimes it takes years. Sometimes it takes considerably less. The point is to get there. In time you will see it for what it is. Maybe a release and celebration that that person you loved is in a better place. Sometimes they didn’t deserve your love and is in a worse place. There are a myriad of possibilities. But guess what? God knows everything and loves you dearly. Dearly. You are so precious to Him. And He comforts those who mourn and ask Him to. And the closer you draw to Him, the more truth He reveals to you and opens your eyes to His provision for you. And He knows it is best that they be gone from your life, for your sake or theirs or His. And let them go. If they walk out, for good reasons or bad, let them go. Give up perceived control over the situation or unreal expectation or lies or selfishness to want someone unhealthy or selfishly wanting to keep someone stuck on this earth rather than be in Heaven because of your grief. Give it up to God. Pray. Get into the Word, the Bible. Really wrap yourself up in Jesus’ arms. Hold to truth and memorize it. Let them go. I did, it took a while, but everything is as it should be. God is in charge. All is right. And I am healthier for it. God is so very good!! He knows what He is doing and loves you so very much. Lean on Him. I am here too. 🙂 ❤
Sin is the fire. We find we have lit a fire yet again, a habitual and automatic fire. Again it burns our hands or caused discomfort. We hover around it, getting as close as we can without burning. We pray for deliverance from the fire as we tend it and hover close to it. God tires of our game but wants to protect us so He blows the fire out and we are free if it for a few momen t s and can breathe unpoluted, nontoxic air for a while then we light it again, tired of cleanliness and bored of clean living. We want our soot and ashes. It is comfortable, familiar, comforting. Ish. But we ignore the scorching, the pain, the burns it brings. So I have learned that if God blows out the fire, to leave it along and find something else to do. God will provide such things if we ask Him. We can do something else and God will help. Put down the hat hehe matches and we can serve together. Other people need the fire extinguisher too. Help someone else. There is always an alternative to the constant fire which harms and can kill. There is God, our hope.
The truth is I am not good at losing people. I used to be great at it, many many moves ago, living in so many places, you are still friends far away but it is all good. Some people are great at losing people, shake it off and you wonder if they care deeply for anyone they are so flippant or nonchallant. A lot of people when dumped just say “Oh well, his loss” and move on. I am made of deeper running waters. I am not sure if it is the musician or artist in me or the Spirit of God who loves everybody or just how I am cut with few friends I let in my inner circle. But losing people affects me deeply. I will have good days, productive laughter filled days. And at night I am a sobbing mess just wondering how to fill such a chasm they left and justifying my leaving the chasm unfilled as a memorial somehow or I am dishonor in them. And the truth is that Christians are supposed to not mourn so long and moms are not supposed to take some time to care for themselves just keep going, and you wonder why no one tells the truth about such things. Why bottle it in? Am I the only one? And I know God is healing and restoring me, I am at peace and joy is coming back but the process is two steps forward and then one or two back and you wonder if this is still the journey or you are caught in some dance. And I pray yet again and God comforts me yet again. And maybe the depth of the heart and love therein is proportional to how much you had needed to be loved by the person you lost. And maybe the fullness of sorrow is not overcome by the fullness of missing the absent person but by a blood curdling scream at the injustice and injury and sickness and evil of the current world and releasing the desire to be loved by someone other than the deepest love of God. Maybe releasing what we long for and think we need is the key to opening up the door for God to walk in deeper with His perfect love and fill us permanently. Maybe.
So, turns out even the deepest of mourning and ugly sadness and loss and illness has an end. There is a corner you turn in the process of God’s healing, most probably be a use if we turn the corner too soon, we keep going back to it. It is a decision that cannot come too soon, there is a process. I tried to rush that as I try to rush much of life and recently God helped me make a conscience decision to relax, be quiet, simplify and wait it out. I did so and with the help of God, my husband and kids and a handful of amazing friends, I have indeed turned that corner. I went swimming with the kids yesterday, exercised last night, listened to good music, read, watched a little home improvement shows, and planned some of our own with my husband, whose patience and new encouragement I so appreciate. So there you go. I am living proof of the healing process. I have turned a corner and God’s hope is there. I have walked quite literally through the shadow of death and while I never feared because my faith is strong, I wondered if I would live there forever. And my Good Good Father brought me through the valley. And now I understand His quiet methods and timing much better for having gone through it and fully realize His strength and wisdom and not my own that saw me through and led me back to whole. He reseal ed my heart with His healing so it remembers but is renewed stronger. Praise God who is so good! Praise God wisdom go loves us! Praise God wisdom gogo is wise and loving and present!! How I love Him!!!