God, the Great Physician 

God healed my eyes. Let me explain. Last night, I had an eye ache, pain in my eyes and a feeling like something was in them, pressure. I looked in the mirror and some weird lack of pigment was tolling around in my eye pupils and lenses. It was obvious something pretty big was wrong. I pictured going blind and immediately started planning how I would be as little of a nuisance as possible let but every best case scenario, I would be an inconvenience and be limited in function for the Lord’s service. So I prayed. I out loud rejected the spirit of infirmity that was at work in my eyes and commanded they leave in Jesus’ name. Then I prayed again and thanked God for healing my eyes. God healed my eyes. Today, they were sore antgainndt first and had a lot of drainage and them have been fine all day. Praise God, the Great Physician!!! He made it so can fix it or build a new one. We just need to humbly ask asked believe He can and will answer in the beat possible way for us. That is it. God rules!!! Praise be the name of the Lord God Almighty!!!

Year Long Struggle with Depression

I did not have time to mention this yesterday. I have struggled this past year with depression. My daddy died of dementia, a good friend died in a car accident and a very good friend married a monster and abandoned us all. And I took these things to heart, three different kind of losses at once- two deaths (my loved daddy and my friend) and a betrayal of a loved friend/band brother. Before all this happened at once, I thought myself pretty strong, an independent woman who can do anything. And wham! I was instantly transformed into this little wimpy girl. I never had struggled with depression, being more inclined to laugh everything off than cry. In fact, I rarely ever have cried in my life until this three banger event happened. And let me tell you a secret. I am very thankful for having gone through this humbling. How can I say this? Can anyone enjoy going through the greatest pain imaginable? I am honored that God chose to humble me and save me and draw me close instead of give up on me and abandon me like so many had. It was a process of a year of torture, sadness, crying, mourning, loneliness, deprivation, withdrawal from everyone, trouble concentrating, lethargy, inability to laugh like I used to. I kept up a good front often but was dying inside. And it took that to wake my stubborn prideful butt up to be humble and prayerful and teachable and realize God not only did not throw me away but He was nurturing me back to health the whole while, never giving up on me. A special thank you to whoever was praying for me. And thanks to God for holding me when noone else would. And I would have pushed anyone else away then anyway but God is so tender and loving and faithful to hold me when I cry. And Sunday, the year of depression lifted from my shoulders and I felt a release. And tears poured again but these were not tears of sadness but of joy. And today, I laughed with my daughter as I have not done for too long. And I realize my greatest strength is that in my great weakness, Jesus is greatly more powerful than I am capable of. And that is true strength. I heard a quote that “you will meet your greatest ally and greatest enemy and in the end you will thank them both” or something like that. I am so incredibly thankful!!!! God is definitely my hero and loves me and I love Him with my little self. ❤❤❤

The Place of Acceptance

The Lord has brought me to a new home in my soul, a retreat of acceptance. There is a maturity, forged by intense, deep suffering, longing, loneliness, forgiveness, then acceptance. At least for this moment, I am certain and feel warmly thankful that God has brought me through the worst of times. It only took and year, and that sounds like a lot but some people carry it around forever and self-education to ease the burden of it. I feel and am very blessed to be here right now at this new residence of acceptance. And the effort and tears are well worth the process because when God solves the matter, the cleansing is intense, thorough and deep so it lasts forever. No baggage to carry around anymore and when I realized it this morning while walking and talking with the Lord, I could not stop crying thankful, joyful tears of relief. It is beautiful. Thank you, God!❤❤❤

That Worth Forgetting

There are good memories that uplift and nurture the mind, bring true history to mind that encourages. Then there are memories worth forgetting. Easier said than done but here is what worked for me. I forgive. I tell God I freely forgive, even the unworthy, even the unrepentant, even the still doing it, even the crime, and then myself for not forgiving until now and whatever role I did play. And I tell this to God and give the rest of it to Him. Then I ask Him to help me forget the bad and remember only the good, may only be that He was with me through it, may be a lesson learned, may be some good was there too. And then I let God help me forget by not trying to remember any bad. I let go of it. I visualize giving it to God. Visualization is huge for me because I am so visual. But we’re I auditory, I would say it. And there it is. The bad things will weigh down your soul and can be a stumbling block or build to a stronghold and you can stop that from happening with God’s help. He is way bigger than the badness. And He has already won the war! Hold on to Jesus. Lean in. Hold Him tight. ❤

Fading from the Forefront of my Mind

When we lose someone very close to us, someone dearly loved, for some of us who feel very deeply, it is a heavy weight for a very long time. And almost a year later, I am finally starting with God’s constant help and comfort, to move the missed loved one from the forefront of my mind into a section of beautiful memories that are available for recall. There is a fading that God blessed me with and generously granted me, a not-the-first-thing-I-think-about day, night and in the middle anymore. God is generously by grace filling those positions with Himself because like a little persistent child, I keep asking Him to. It is debilitating to keep someone alive in your mind when they are no longer alive in your world. You have to start the process with God’s help of putting them back into the mind and keep God in the place of worship, focus, immediate thought. I had to and God has gradually allowed it and I am so thankful. I still miss him like crazy but I am here now, ready to serve and be present for God and my family and people in my spaces. Praise God!

Keeping the Blues Away

The blues are determine to sneak in through cracks in mood, slight imbalances in hormones, moments of fatigue, bad decisions by friends and family, deaths, bad drivers, memories, what have you. There is a huge potential for despair or just the blues. Yes, everyone has the opportunity for sadness, even the funnest or funniest of them. How can we keep the blues away? Well, you just can’t entirely and if you lose the ability to feel sadness, you have missed the ability to be a feeling human or live in a dream world of lies where everything is ok and we are not surrounded by evil all around us. But one way to minimize the sadness is thr simplest thing in the world and yet the most difficult thing in the world. Humility. When we are humble, we lower our demands of life, our expectations, the perfection demands, the control issues, the deserving disease. Humble closeness to God is the most beautiful and empowering thing in the world. God also helps us. ❤

Again I Miss Him

Most of the time now, I am myself again, an altered form of me. I laugh again finally but still not as much as I once did. I am joyful and peaceful and decide to be happy but sometimes I still miss him. He was my support system, and I guess it takes a long time to support yourself with God’s help rather than relying on your support system. I have my family and friends but no one can replace him. He was my encouragement when discouragement surrounded. His smile and approval were all I would need to take on whole armies. His strength was my freedom. Knowing he believed in me made everyone else’s criticism and disapproval bearable. Now sometimes I figured it out with God’s help but sometimes I still fight to not need or rely on those things. Maybe it will always be that way, the missing of someone I love deeply. Maybe it always comes and goes. I don’t know because it had never happened before. But I know that as I draw closer and closer to God, He provides more and more. As I worship Him, He makes me feel more and more loved.