Fading from the Forefront of my Mind

When we lose someone very close to us, someone dearly loved, for some of us who feel very deeply, it is a heavy weight for a very long time. And almost a year later, I am finally starting with God’s constant help and comfort, to move the missed loved one from the forefront of my mind into a section of beautiful memories that are available for recall. There is a fading that God blessed me with and generously granted me, a not-the-first-thing-I-think-about day, night and in the middle anymore. God is generously by grace filling those positions with Himself because like a little persistent child, I keep asking Him to. It is debilitating to keep someone alive in your mind when they are no longer alive in your world. You have to start the process with God’s help of putting them back into the mind and keep God in the place of worship, focus, immediate thought. I had to and God has gradually allowed it and I am so thankful. I still miss him like crazy but I am here now, ready to serve and be present for God and my family and people in my spaces. Praise God!

Keeping the Blues Away

The blues are determine to sneak in through cracks in mood, slight imbalances in hormones, moments of fatigue, bad decisions by friends and family, deaths, bad drivers, memories, what have you. There is a huge potential for despair or just the blues. Yes, everyone has the opportunity for sadness, even the funnest or funniest of them. How can we keep the blues away? Well, you just can’t entirely and if you lose the ability to feel sadness, you have missed the ability to be a feeling human or live in a dream world of lies where everything is ok and we are not surrounded by evil all around us. But one way to minimize the sadness is thr simplest thing in the world and yet the most difficult thing in the world. Humility. When we are humble, we lower our demands of life, our expectations, the perfection demands, the control issues, the deserving disease. Humble closeness to God is the most beautiful and empowering thing in the world. God also helps us. ❤

Again I Miss Him

Most of the time now, I am myself again, an altered form of me. I laugh again finally but still not as much as I once did. I am joyful and peaceful and decide to be happy but sometimes I still miss him. He was my support system, and I guess it takes a long time to support yourself with God’s help rather than relying on your support system. I have my family and friends but no one can replace him. He was my encouragement when discouragement surrounded. His smile and approval were all I would need to take on whole armies. His strength was my freedom. Knowing he believed in me made everyone else’s criticism and disapproval bearable. Now sometimes I figured it out with God’s help but sometimes I still fight to not need or rely on those things. Maybe it will always be that way, the missing of someone I love deeply. Maybe it always comes and goes. I don’t know because it had never happened before. But I know that as I draw closer and closer to God, He provides more and more. As I worship Him, He makes me feel more and more loved. 

Journeys of the Mind

In the last year, I have gone through such a radical journey in my mind, it is difficult to remember who I was before this force-fed maturity. Lol I was this free-spirited, laughter – loving, self-sufficient woman with a firmly decisive view on life and how to live it. Having been through a series of losses and illness and caretaking and deaths, I careened into a cycle of falling apart and humbling myself, something no doubt long overdue in my life, but with more tears thrown in there than I have ever cried before in the entirety of my life. I was broken. I was damaged. I was lost for a bit. It was ugly because I felt truly alone inside, even with my living kids and husband who rallied to love me and a few amazing friends of new and old. And I tell you not for one minute did God ever give up on me or refuse to comfort every breakdown in tears. And I gradually started to get it. I started to see how this smart doctor really needed this series of events to appreciate simplicity and know God better and be humbled enough to grow as a woman into a deeper love of God. I am on Twitter and blog and cannot help but share God with everyone. He is so good. I know and understand this first hand. He resaved this little girl. I am nothing without His love and loving grace interference. I am so thankful that He rescued me from the mire of self-pity and depression I was falling into and restored His gift of laughter to me and seconded that gift with a new superpower: empathy. It is a heavy gift but a beautiful one because I am so much more connected with people around me and before I was always so weird and a bit, well, aloof, when it came to emotions. I saw them as weakness and now I see they have purpose and strength when utilized to help and comfort and release. There is and new me in here and most of this journey quite frankly occurred in my mind. I believe our journeys occur in our minds and hearts primarily and our physical manifestation is a long time coming, an ordeal of many years of internal devotion. This is why it is so important to keep our minds focused on Jesus Christ and His Word. This is why I often put scripture on Twitter and my blogs. This is why I read it and load up on Truth and teach my kids. We have to worship God with our minds and hearts before we can ever expect to serve Him and mankind with our lives. Our actions result from the ambitions and meanderings and obsessions of our minds and hearts. From this, we act. And God sees and looks at the heart and mind. He knows us better than anyone, having lovingly designed us and all, and He will judge our motivations first and foremost and actions second. It is impertinent we keep a clean house of our mind and heart. This journey is first of the mind. We must think and feel God and Truth and Light and keep feeding on these healthy things. This journey may be hard and arduous but if we use the right tools of God’s Word, prayer, humility, self-control, it will seem shorter, easier, more peaceful and joyful. ❤

Putting Your Past in Your Behind

A quote tribute to Lion King, or something like that. I had trouble, so many often have trouble letting go of something holding you back, whether someone’s negative statement in your head or an old flame or a past temptation or a desire to go back to simpler times or a grasp on people who have passed. There is something in most people’s life that is present but has past a while ago. And these things are generally comfort zones for us or good excuses to be lazy or not try harder or not enjoy life now because you would dishonor this or that person or memory. These things, good or bad things, need to go behind us on our journey. They, again good or bad, are an extra burden to carry on your present journey of life, with life as a hiking trip to heaven. I love Pilgrim’s Progress for that reason. It is true. There are so many things to stop us and deter us from our quest, good and bad. And here we are carrying this extra baggage. It is heavy. God gives us every day what we need for the journey for that day and that barrage of trials. The extra weight needs to be unloaded. How do we do that? There is an obvious emotional attachment to these things/people. There is a heart connection or we would not still have it now right? Well, God is our loving Heavenly Father as well as the most powerful being in the universe, and when we humbly ask Him to help us and mean it for the purpose of God being more important than what we are clinging to (the Bible calls them idols), God answers that sincere prayer. How do I know? Because He did it for me. And I am just a little girl. If He can do it for me, He can do it for you. Then keep praying every day not to pick it back up again. God and you have this!!!

Twisted Workings

I see around me women working and men often bumbing off of them. Women ruling and men being ruled. Women then having their babies and taking care of them financially and in every way then guys leaving or cheating then leaving because they aren’t getting what they feel they deserved. Even worse, they get kicked out of their current location with the new girl sponsor and move back in with their kid’s mom, the first girl, and getting back with her. And the cycle continues. I saw this recently in someone I thought was a friend. Wow, what an eye opener. This. Is. Wrong. Let me say it again, it is wrong. It is horrible for the kids, horrible for the adults, horrible for all the mistresses who believe the lies, horrible sins against God and humanity. It is hideous, atrocious, and I needed to voice this injustice to the world and demand better behavior from people in society. Pick a spouse and be satisfied with that spouse. Love them. Pour into them. Men, take care of your family, work for God’s sake and take care of them. Stay with and raise your child. Life isn’t just about you. There are many others out there, you Andre not special. The way to be special is to settle down, raise a family, bond with them, take them to church, get close to God, stay with and stand by God and your family, this is how to be a good man. Women, shut up and let them be men they need to be. Encourage them, help them meet good goals for you all, be okay with supportive loving wife. Respect him. Get people out of your lives that do not support your family as a whole. My rant is through. My anger is diminished. Please be good and want right, people. Jesus is Coming soon, no one knows exactly when so be ready. God bless you!

When People Walk Out of Your Life

Let them go. It is not easy to say that when it is fresh. Sometimes it takes 8 months. Sometimes it takes years. Sometimes it takes considerably less. The point is to get there. In time you will see it for what it is. Maybe a release and celebration that that person you loved is in a better place. Sometimes they didn’t deserve your love and is in a worse place. There are a myriad of possibilities. But guess what? God knows everything and loves you dearly. Dearly. You are so precious to Him. And He comforts those who mourn and ask Him to. And the closer you draw to Him, the more truth He reveals to you and opens your eyes to His provision for you. And He knows it is best that they be gone from your life, for your sake or theirs or His. And let them go. If they walk out, for good reasons or bad, let them go. Give up perceived control over the situation or unreal expectation or lies or selfishness to want someone unhealthy or selfishly wanting to keep someone stuck on this earth rather than be in Heaven because of your grief. Give it up to God. Pray. Get into the Word, the Bible. Really wrap yourself up in Jesus’ arms. Hold to truth and memorize it. Let them go. I did, it took a while, but everything is as it should be. God is in charge. All is right. And I am healthier for it. God is so very good!! He knows what He is doing and loves you so very much. Lean on Him. I am here too. 🙂 ❤