Unexpected Separations

So our grown son (from my husband’s previous marriage), the Marine and all around really great guy (maybe a tad biased), gave us the wham banger news that his wife of 4-ish years just left him for her ex-fiance of ancient past, the one who wouldn’t commit. Yep. We were going to visit them this week. Now, instead, he is moving alone out west to room with a Marine brother and a fresh start because he loves her sincerely and everything there is her. And I got to thinking. I had that happen in my ancient past… dumped for an unworthy ex after years of commitment and mutual love. And some people are a blessing in your life when they are there and some are are greater blessing when they go. It is impossible to say and realize that for about are year and that is are fact. Before a year is up, you only say it through clenched jaw. But how much worse to end up in many years with someone who hates you and has run you into the ground or stolen your freedom and identity and taken all your purpose to suit them and then threw you out or selfishly cheated. And like I was, he is blessed to start afresh and have us praying for him and encouraging him, and whatever God had for Him can be more apparent without someone half there and unsupportive. Nonetheless, as horrible as divorce is, sometimes you are forced to face it and change everything and that is never easy. So if you think of it, please pray for our son to find the path God wants Him now. God is the healer of hearts and Maker and Lifter of our heads. Thank you and God bless us, everyone!❤

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When Death Comes Unexpectedly

To lose your husband unexpectedly has to be one of the hardest experiences of life. He was young, no more than 50. Not ill. Never had a sign of suffering or pain, just died overnight out of nowhere. Wake up next to a dead body instead of your husband. That is what happened this morning to my good, long time friend Susie. She had no idea that the “I love you. Sweet dreams” would have been the last time she said that ever. My heart throbs for her, tears flow. I am dropping my afternoon plans to be with her. I don’t know what to say but I know beyond all doubt that I need to keep her company and be there for and with her. So, I will cry with her, hold her, love her. And when things happen, changing your own plans is the Jesus thing to do. She has God’s peace but I need to be arms for her for Jesus.❤

Fading from the Forefront of my Mind

When we lose someone very close to us, someone dearly loved, for some of us who feel very deeply, it is a heavy weight for a very long time. And almost a year later, I am finally starting with God’s constant help and comfort, to move the missed loved one from the forefront of my mind into a section of beautiful memories that are available for recall. There is a fading that God blessed me with and generously granted me, a not-the-first-thing-I-think-about day, night and in the middle anymore. God is generously by grace filling those positions with Himself because like a little persistent child, I keep asking Him to. It is debilitating to keep someone alive in your mind when they are no longer alive in your world. You have to start the process with God’s help of putting them back into the mind and keep God in the place of worship, focus, immediate thought. I had to and God has gradually allowed it and I am so thankful. I still miss him like crazy but I am here now, ready to serve and be present for God and my family and people in my spaces. Praise God!

Again I Miss Him

Most of the time now, I am myself again, an altered form of me. I laugh again finally but still not as much as I once did. I am joyful and peaceful and decide to be happy but sometimes I still miss him. He was my support system, and I guess it takes a long time to support yourself with God’s help rather than relying on your support system. I have my family and friends but no one can replace him. He was my encouragement when discouragement surrounded. His smile and approval were all I would need to take on whole armies. His strength was my freedom. Knowing he believed in me made everyone else’s criticism and disapproval bearable. Now sometimes I figured it out with God’s help but sometimes I still fight to not need or rely on those things. Maybe it will always be that way, the missing of someone I love deeply. Maybe it always comes and goes. I don’t know because it had never happened before. But I know that as I draw closer and closer to God, He provides more and more. As I worship Him, He makes me feel more and more loved. 

When People Walk Out of Your Life

Let them go. It is not easy to say that when it is fresh. Sometimes it takes 8 months. Sometimes it takes years. Sometimes it takes considerably less. The point is to get there. In time you will see it for what it is. Maybe a release and celebration that that person you loved is in a better place. Sometimes they didn’t deserve your love and is in a worse place. There are a myriad of possibilities. But guess what? God knows everything and loves you dearly. Dearly. You are so precious to Him. And He comforts those who mourn and ask Him to. And the closer you draw to Him, the more truth He reveals to you and opens your eyes to His provision for you. And He knows it is best that they be gone from your life, for your sake or theirs or His. And let them go. If they walk out, for good reasons or bad, let them go. Give up perceived control over the situation or unreal expectation or lies or selfishness to want someone unhealthy or selfishly wanting to keep someone stuck on this earth rather than be in Heaven because of your grief. Give it up to God. Pray. Get into the Word, the Bible. Really wrap yourself up in Jesus’ arms. Hold to truth and memorize it. Let them go. I did, it took a while, but everything is as it should be. God is in charge. All is right. And I am healthier for it. God is so very good!! He knows what He is doing and loves you so very much. Lean on Him. I am here too. 🙂 ❤ 

The Truth Is

The truth is I am not good at losing people. I used to be great at it, many many moves ago, living in so many places, you are still friends far away but it is all good. Some people are great at losing people, shake it off and you wonder if they care deeply for anyone they are so flippant or nonchallant. A lot of people when dumped just say “Oh well, his loss” and move on. I am made of deeper running waters. I am not sure if it is the musician or artist in me or the Spirit of God who loves everybody or just how I am cut with few friends I let in my inner circle. But losing people affects me deeply. I will have good days, productive laughter filled days. And at night I am a sobbing mess just wondering how to fill such a chasm they left and justifying my leaving the chasm unfilled as a memorial somehow or I am dishonor in them. And the truth is that Christians are supposed to not mourn so long and moms are not supposed to take some time to care for themselves just keep going, and you wonder why no one tells the truth about such things. Why bottle it in? Am I the only one? And I know God is healing and restoring me, I am at peace and joy is coming back but the process is two steps forward and then one or two back and you wonder if this is still the journey or you are caught in some dance. And I pray yet again and God comforts me yet again. And maybe the depth of the heart and love therein is proportional to how much you had needed to be loved by the person you lost. And maybe the fullness of sorrow is not overcome by the fullness of missing the absent person but by a blood curdling scream at the injustice and injury and sickness and evil of the current world and releasing the desire to be loved by someone other than the deepest love of God. Maybe releasing what we long for and think we need is the key to opening up the door for God to walk in deeper with His perfect love and fill us permanently. Maybe.

Turning Corners & Healing

So, turns out even the deepest of mourning and ugly sadness and loss and illness has an end. There is a corner you turn in the process of God’s healing, most probably be a use if we turn the corner too soon, we keep going back to it. It is a decision that cannot come too soon, there is a process. I tried to rush that as I try to rush much of life and recently God helped me make a conscience decision to relax, be quiet, simplify and wait it out. I did so and with the help of God, my husband and kids and a handful of amazing friends, I have indeed turned that corner. I went swimming with the kids yesterday, exercised last night, listened to good music, read, watched a little home improvement shows, and planned some of our own with my husband, whose patience and new encouragement I so appreciate. So there you go. I am living proof of the healing process. I have turned a corner and God’s hope is there. I have walked quite literally through the shadow of death and while I never feared because my faith is strong, I wondered if I would live there forever. And my Good Good Father brought me through the valley. And now I understand His quiet methods and timing much better for having gone through it and fully realize His strength and wisdom and not my own that saw me through and led me back to whole. He reseal ed my heart with His healing so it remembers but is renewed stronger. Praise God who is so good! Praise God wisdom go loves us! Praise God wisdom gogo is wise and loving and present!! How I love Him!!!