Fading from the Forefront of my Mind

When we lose someone very close to us, someone dearly loved, for some of us who feel very deeply, it is a heavy weight for a very long time. And almost a year later, I am finally starting with God’s constant help and comfort, to move the missed loved one from the forefront of my mind into a section of beautiful memories that are available for recall. There is a fading that God blessed me with and generously granted me, a not-the-first-thing-I-think-about day, night and in the middle anymore. God is generously by grace filling those positions with Himself because like a little persistent child, I keep asking Him to. It is debilitating to keep someone alive in your mind when they are no longer alive in your world. You have to start the process with God’s help of putting them back into the mind and keep God in the place of worship, focus, immediate thought. I had to and God has gradually allowed it and I am so thankful. I still miss him like crazy but I am here now, ready to serve and be present for God and my family and people in my spaces. Praise God!

Again I Miss Him

Most of the time now, I am myself again, an altered form of me. I laugh again finally but still not as much as I once did. I am joyful and peaceful and decide to be happy but sometimes I still miss him. He was my support system, and I guess it takes a long time to support yourself with God’s help rather than relying on your support system. I have my family and friends but no one can replace him. He was my encouragement when discouragement surrounded. His smile and approval were all I would need to take on whole armies. His strength was my freedom. Knowing he believed in me made everyone else’s criticism and disapproval bearable. Now sometimes I figured it out with God’s help but sometimes I still fight to not need or rely on those things. Maybe it will always be that way, the missing of someone I love deeply. Maybe it always comes and goes. I don’t know because it had never happened before. But I know that as I draw closer and closer to God, He provides more and more. As I worship Him, He makes me feel more and more loved. 

When People Walk Out of Your Life

Let them go. It is not easy to say that when it is fresh. Sometimes it takes 8 months. Sometimes it takes years. Sometimes it takes considerably less. The point is to get there. In time you will see it for what it is. Maybe a release and celebration that that person you loved is in a better place. Sometimes they didn’t deserve your love and is in a worse place. There are a myriad of possibilities. But guess what? God knows everything and loves you dearly. Dearly. You are so precious to Him. And He comforts those who mourn and ask Him to. And the closer you draw to Him, the more truth He reveals to you and opens your eyes to His provision for you. And He knows it is best that they be gone from your life, for your sake or theirs or His. And let them go. If they walk out, for good reasons or bad, let them go. Give up perceived control over the situation or unreal expectation or lies or selfishness to want someone unhealthy or selfishly wanting to keep someone stuck on this earth rather than be in Heaven because of your grief. Give it up to God. Pray. Get into the Word, the Bible. Really wrap yourself up in Jesus’ arms. Hold to truth and memorize it. Let them go. I did, it took a while, but everything is as it should be. God is in charge. All is right. And I am healthier for it. God is so very good!! He knows what He is doing and loves you so very much. Lean on Him. I am here too. 🙂 ❤ 

The Truth Is

The truth is I am not good at losing people. I used to be great at it, many many moves ago, living in so many places, you are still friends far away but it is all good. Some people are great at losing people, shake it off and you wonder if they care deeply for anyone they are so flippant or nonchallant. A lot of people when dumped just say “Oh well, his loss” and move on. I am made of deeper running waters. I am not sure if it is the musician or artist in me or the Spirit of God who loves everybody or just how I am cut with few friends I let in my inner circle. But losing people affects me deeply. I will have good days, productive laughter filled days. And at night I am a sobbing mess just wondering how to fill such a chasm they left and justifying my leaving the chasm unfilled as a memorial somehow or I am dishonor in them. And the truth is that Christians are supposed to not mourn so long and moms are not supposed to take some time to care for themselves just keep going, and you wonder why no one tells the truth about such things. Why bottle it in? Am I the only one? And I know God is healing and restoring me, I am at peace and joy is coming back but the process is two steps forward and then one or two back and you wonder if this is still the journey or you are caught in some dance. And I pray yet again and God comforts me yet again. And maybe the depth of the heart and love therein is proportional to how much you had needed to be loved by the person you lost. And maybe the fullness of sorrow is not overcome by the fullness of missing the absent person but by a blood curdling scream at the injustice and injury and sickness and evil of the current world and releasing the desire to be loved by someone other than the deepest love of God. Maybe releasing what we long for and think we need is the key to opening up the door for God to walk in deeper with His perfect love and fill us permanently. Maybe.

Turning Corners & Healing

So, turns out even the deepest of mourning and ugly sadness and loss and illness has an end. There is a corner you turn in the process of God’s healing, most probably be a use if we turn the corner too soon, we keep going back to it. It is a decision that cannot come too soon, there is a process. I tried to rush that as I try to rush much of life and recently God helped me make a conscience decision to relax, be quiet, simplify and wait it out. I did so and with the help of God, my husband and kids and a handful of amazing friends, I have indeed turned that corner. I went swimming with the kids yesterday, exercised last night, listened to good music, read, watched a little home improvement shows, and planned some of our own with my husband, whose patience and new encouragement I so appreciate. So there you go. I am living proof of the healing process. I have turned a corner and God’s hope is there. I have walked quite literally through the shadow of death and while I never feared because my faith is strong, I wondered if I would live there forever. And my Good Good Father brought me through the valley. And now I understand His quiet methods and timing much better for having gone through it and fully realize His strength and wisdom and not my own that saw me through and led me back to whole. He reseal ed my heart with His healing so it remembers but is renewed stronger. Praise God who is so good! Praise God wisdom go loves us! Praise God wisdom gogo is wise and loving and present!! How I love Him!!!

The Therapy of Silence

I was having trouble kicking the blues. I look after my mom more now that my daddy went off to heaven, and while that is a good thing to do, it has been hard because my daddy is still in every inch of her house. And I have had a really hard time with missing him. Also having recently fought off the respiratory virus going around, I have overall been very drained and exhausted. Of course I have still worked my tail off handling everything but am tired afterward and a bit lethargic whereas I use to never tire until my head hit the pillow late at night. So recently, we quit one of our bands to lighten the load and took afterward nd vacation to boot. And I must say that therapy of silence (well, relative silence) and pairing down has worked some pretty amazing recovering. I feel like a human being again. I even had extra energy to get the rest of the dirt spread! It is only getting better! Sometimes God gives us pauses for different seasons of life to heal us up and prepare us for better. And I am falling into His arms and am happy to be here.

A Great Lie About Mourning

Most days, I have energy to spare but sometimes I still have waves of missing and am tired. I understand it is part of grief, part of the mourning process when those we loved are no longer with us. But it is a great lie that life cannot continue at great value. It is a lie that we stop here and mope the rest of our days. I believe that does those we lost a great injustice. We celebrate those who are dancing in heaven for they are done with the evil here. We are happy for those no longer in pain or forgetfulness. Yes. But we continue to live our best efforts for God who made us all and put us together for as long as we were granted. And that, my friends, even tired sometimes, is obedient worship. And when we humbly obey and try to the best of our current ability, God loves that and gives us bursts of rest and peace and energy when we need it. He is a good, good Father. And He is truth. We don’t have to be consistently overtaken in grief, that is a great lie. We honor them more and honor God by doing our best and living life as fully and happy and we can. And God helps every step of the way. Praise God!!