The terrible triple death loss of my life, three very important deaths in a two month window, one of which was my daddy, happened two years ago. I was depressed and incapacitated the first year after. I know it was a natural part of grief but looking back, I was stuck for a while in deep selfishness and self-pity. It was contrary to my nature to be so. Or was it? Up to then, I have never really allowed myself to emote, except that brief window of loss and anger when my fiance cheated on me and broke up. That hit me hard but before and since, I have always been the rock for others and work, work, work. God has healed me enough to look back at two years ago objectively. And my husband’s brother’s recent passing brought the remembrance back.
I now realize I had left my Lord behind. I was self–involved, self-serving, and self-loathing. My children had a shell of a mother at that point and that is my deep pain I am making amends for now in reformulating my family and putting them first.
The biggest learning point from all that healed trauma and pain is that God’s place in me and my family is first. This means if it is not by the Bible, it is not home here. We operate as if Jesus is right here with us because He is. We worship Him together, talk often to and about Him, so on. Focusing on God has kept me humble, the most important and challenging thing to do always. Then focusing on my kids and husband and mom has reinforced my humble and service. I am dead last and that is exactly as it should be. That is my happy spot. Not because I think less of myself but because God made me such a valuable tool for His kingdom and I want Him to work through me to greatest affect. That only happens when I keep my humble up. Once pride wells up, strength drains. With humble, God fills in and my joy and peace are palpable. It is impressive and constant. I will not trade anything this world has to offer for this beautiful peace and joy God gives me. The healing is complete and sound. I am sorry my pride and will were so strong I had to go through so much to get it. I get it now, praise God. The more you release, the more He gives. Incredible God!😄❤❤❤
Today I missed people. I missed my family I don’t get to see, those I love that are no longer Earth- bound, people I love I haven’t seen in years and miss all of a sudden. How much is hormones and genuine missing, I am unsure, but I have been exhausted with missing all day. So I just prayed. God comforted me. I rested. I forced some shut eye, no sleep but rest. And I kept moving. I cooked meals, did two consults in Sebring, taught school, watered the garden, and am at my daughter’s baseball game keeping score. So, even on bad days where you’d give anything to not feel awful missing people you love, you can just pray, rest, and continue. And that is enough.❤
So our grown son (from my husband’s previous marriage), the Marine and all around really great guy (maybe a tad biased), gave us the wham banger news that his wife of 4-ish years just left him for her ex-fiance of ancient past, the one who wouldn’t commit. Yep. We were going to visit them this week. Now, instead, he is moving alone out west to room with a Marine brother and a fresh start because he loves her sincerely and everything there is her. And I got to thinking. I had that happen in my ancient past… dumped for an unworthy ex after years of commitment and mutual love. And some people are a blessing in your life when they are there and some are are greater blessing when they go. It is impossible to say and realize that for about are year and that is are fact. Before a year is up, you only say it through clenched jaw. But how much worse to end up in many years with someone who hates you and has run you into the ground or stolen your freedom and identity and taken all your purpose to suit them and then threw you out or selfishly cheated. And like I was, he is blessed to start afresh and have us praying for him and encouraging him, and whatever God had for Him can be more apparent without someone half there and unsupportive. Nonetheless, as horrible as divorce is, sometimes you are forced to face it and change everything and that is never easy. So if you think of it, please pray for our son to find the path God wants Him now. God is the healer of hearts and Maker and Lifter of our heads. Thank you and God bless us, everyone!❤
To lose your husband unexpectedly has to be one of the hardest experiences of life. He was young, no more than 50. Not ill. Never had a sign of suffering or pain, just died overnight out of nowhere. Wake up next to a dead body instead of your husband. That is what happened this morning to my good, long time friend Susie. She had no idea that the “I love you. Sweet dreams” would have been the last time she said that ever. My heart throbs for her, tears flow. I am dropping my afternoon plans to be with her. I don’t know what to say but I know beyond all doubt that I need to keep her company and be there for and with her. So, I will cry with her, hold her, love her. And when things happen, changing your own plans is the Jesus thing to do. She has God’s peace but I need to be arms for her for Jesus.❤
When we lose someone very close to us, someone dearly loved, for some of us who feel very deeply, it is a heavy weight for a very long time. And almost a year later, I am finally starting with God’s constant help and comfort, to move the missed loved one from the forefront of my mind into a section of beautiful memories that are available for recall. There is a fading that God blessed me with and generously granted me, a not-the-first-thing-I-think-about day, night and in the middle anymore. God is generously by grace filling those positions with Himself because like a little persistent child, I keep asking Him to. It is debilitating to keep someone alive in your mind when they are no longer alive in your world. You have to start the process with God’s help of putting them back into the mind and keep God in the place of worship, focus, immediate thought. I had to and God has gradually allowed it and I am so thankful. I still miss him like crazy but I am here now, ready to serve and be present for God and my family and people in my spaces. Praise God!
Most of the time now, I am myself again, an altered form of me. I laugh again finally but still not as much as I once did. I am joyful and peaceful and decide to be happy but sometimes I still miss him. He was my support system, and I guess it takes a long time to support yourself with God’s help rather than relying on your support system. I have my family and friends but no one can replace him. He was my encouragement when discouragement surrounded. His smile and approval were all I would need to take on whole armies. His strength was my freedom. Knowing he believed in me made everyone else’s criticism and disapproval bearable. Now sometimes I figured it out with God’s help but sometimes I still fight to not need or rely on those things. Maybe it will always be that way, the missing of someone I love deeply. Maybe it always comes and goes. I don’t know because it had never happened before. But I know that as I draw closer and closer to God, He provides more and more. As I worship Him, He makes me feel more and more loved.
Let them go. It is not easy to say that when it is fresh. Sometimes it takes 8 months. Sometimes it takes years. Sometimes it takes considerably less. The point is to get there. In time you will see it for what it is. Maybe a release and celebration that that person you loved is in a better place. Sometimes they didn’t deserve your love and is in a worse place. There are a myriad of possibilities. But guess what? God knows everything and loves you dearly. Dearly. You are so precious to Him. And He comforts those who mourn and ask Him to. And the closer you draw to Him, the more truth He reveals to you and opens your eyes to His provision for you. And He knows it is best that they be gone from your life, for your sake or theirs or His. And let them go. If they walk out, for good reasons or bad, let them go. Give up perceived control over the situation or unreal expectation or lies or selfishness to want someone unhealthy or selfishly wanting to keep someone stuck on this earth rather than be in Heaven because of your grief. Give it up to God. Pray. Get into the Word, the Bible. Really wrap yourself up in Jesus’ arms. Hold to truth and memorize it. Let them go. I did, it took a while, but everything is as it should be. God is in charge. All is right. And I am healthier for it. God is so very good!! He knows what He is doing and loves you so very much. Lean on Him. I am here too. 🙂 ❤