Unexpected Separations

So our grown son (from my husband’s previous marriage), the Marine and all around really great guy (maybe a tad biased), gave us the wham banger news that his wife of 4-ish years just left him for her ex-fiance of ancient past, the one who wouldn’t commit. Yep. We were going to visit them this week. Now, instead, he is moving alone out west to room with a Marine brother and a fresh start because he loves her sincerely and everything there is her. And I got to thinking. I had that happen in my ancient past… dumped for an unworthy ex after years of commitment and mutual love. And some people are a blessing in your life when they are there and some are are greater blessing when they go. It is impossible to say and realize that for about are year and that is are fact. Before a year is up, you only say it through clenched jaw. But how much worse to end up in many years with someone who hates you and has run you into the ground or stolen your freedom and identity and taken all your purpose to suit them and then threw you out or selfishly cheated. And like I was, he is blessed to start afresh and have us praying for him and encouraging him, and whatever God had for Him can be more apparent without someone half there and unsupportive. Nonetheless, as horrible as divorce is, sometimes you are forced to face it and change everything and that is never easy. So if you think of it, please pray for our son to find the path God wants Him now. God is the healer of hearts and Maker and Lifter of our heads. Thank you and God bless us, everyone!❤

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To Miss Is Human

Sometimes we just miss people that once were a strong part of our lives and now and forever will be missing. To miss them is human. There is not much getting around that. We feel. God made us empathetic and feeling creatures, and our hearts sometimes are fuller than we can bear and it seeps out and rolls down our cheeks. We just miss them sometimes. The pain lessens with time and prayer but sometimes you just have to pull out the pictures and memories and just remember and cry one more time. And then on we go on our journey for we do not journey backwards but ahead. We miss people from our past but we must move forward and be in the now. Good news is that God comforts us when we mourn. And I can attest to that. There were times my tears were streaming from such a deep part of my soul, I thought my heart would just break right into and I would be dead. I really thought that it was so deep. But when I prayed my famous prayer “Help me! Hold me!” God put an arm around me. It felt so real I thought someone was there. And it felt like He wiped my tears off my cheeks. It really felt that way. And I understood the entire world and God’s pain and sadness at losing valuable people. I got it. I understood mourning is not for the weak but for all people at some point and God loves us so much He cannot bear to see us so heart-broken without comforting us. He is a good Daddy. And so I missed someone today but God is faithful to comfort and then remind me to keep doing what is right and moving forward, focused on the now. “Now is the most important time in the history of mankind.” I made that up just now but I bet someone already said it somewhere. Lol But each and every day, taken one at a time, is precious and valuable and the most important time of your life. The internal decisions you make right now will change every attitude here forward. And on we go, moving forward but focused on right now. Miss if you need to, and sometimes you do, but then let God dry your tears.and move forward, focused on the no wow with His help. You and He can do it!

The Truth Is

The truth is I am not good at losing people. I used to be great at it, many many moves ago, living in so many places, you are still friends far away but it is all good. Some people are great at losing people, shake it off and you wonder if they care deeply for anyone they are so flippant or nonchallant. A lot of people when dumped just say “Oh well, his loss” and move on. I am made of deeper running waters. I am not sure if it is the musician or artist in me or the Spirit of God who loves everybody or just how I am cut with few friends I let in my inner circle. But losing people affects me deeply. I will have good days, productive laughter filled days. And at night I am a sobbing mess just wondering how to fill such a chasm they left and justifying my leaving the chasm unfilled as a memorial somehow or I am dishonor in them. And the truth is that Christians are supposed to not mourn so long and moms are not supposed to take some time to care for themselves just keep going, and you wonder why no one tells the truth about such things. Why bottle it in? Am I the only one? And I know God is healing and restoring me, I am at peace and joy is coming back but the process is two steps forward and then one or two back and you wonder if this is still the journey or you are caught in some dance. And I pray yet again and God comforts me yet again. And maybe the depth of the heart and love therein is proportional to how much you had needed to be loved by the person you lost. And maybe the fullness of sorrow is not overcome by the fullness of missing the absent person but by a blood curdling scream at the injustice and injury and sickness and evil of the current world and releasing the desire to be loved by someone other than the deepest love of God. Maybe releasing what we long for and think we need is the key to opening up the door for God to walk in deeper with His perfect love and fill us permanently. Maybe.

Missing People

Joking around has always been a mainstay for coping with life. Laughter is a great lawyer, turning a horrible situation into something beneficial. And it seems superficial sometimes, and I like to keep things pretty light and encouraging when I can. But when the few friends and family members I let into my heart are suddenly not there anymore ever, my tender little heart beats heavy now and then with missing them. Some I think of every day, like my Daddy. Some I think of a little less than that and the smile fades to quivering lips and the bright eyes cloud to tearfall. And I miss them. I love deeply. It never looks that way but few love deeply enough to give their lives for those they love. I would without hesitation because I know heaven awaits me and I might be unsure they were ready to go. So, the depth of my feelings, indicating the depth I allowed that person into my heart, dictates the deep pain I feel when they are no longer there. I have good days and bad days now, but this moment right here alone in my quiet room is a painful one. And I read Psalm 23 through my tears and pray and am reminded that my Heavenly Daddy is always here in the lonely quiet. He walks with me. He cries with me. It breaks His heart to see me or you cry so He comforts us. How incredible is our loving, tireless God! How much He wants us all with Him, like a mommy dog gathering her puppies to keep them warm and fed. How amazed I am that God never rolls His eyes at my familiar pain but holds me through it and loves me enough to answer cries for help and comfort. He is so good! God is so good! 

When Passes the Night

As the end comes for those we grew up listening to, a part of us ends. That comfortable spot in our memory of a singer or band or their collective music or works of art in an artist in general, even paintings or sculptures or movies or good books, is now uncomfortable or saddened to some degree. I had friends that called to comfort me when Rich Mullins died. I am now comforting my husband because Lake (of Lake, Emerson and Palmer) died. It is of great meaning when one whose work we utilized in our psyche growing up become unable to be seen. Knowing they are still out there is somehow comfortable for us. So losing them from this world we are a part of is very sad and we should grieve these things. They are a part of who we are. So peace with you, Mr. Lake, and thank you for the beautiful music you made that stirred my husband’s soul and caused him to miss you. You will be missed truly. God rest your soul. 

Praying Alone in Pain

Having recently lost someone important forever, I was reminded how fragile it all is. How we can laugh one minute and be shattered again St the rocks the next. And tonight, trying to recover from the recent blow, I am informed that my good friend lost her fight tonight. The car who hit her was also unexpected but recovery had looked so close but God thought heaven was a better home for her. And I loved her too. Also tonight while visiting my beloved Daddy, he didn’t know me, has been eating very little and sleeping a lot, can’t stay upright in a wheelchair anymore. And I am wondering just how strong God believes that I am or need to be. Of course everyone in the house is asleep and as I sit alone in my room, I cry. No, I weep. My heart mourns in sorrow and groans in grief. I am just a human being. I feel deeply. I am ripped to shreds. Just how humble do you want me, Lord? I do not doubt You, for You know everything and always what is best for everyone somehow, so much more than we do, but I am doubting the strength You gifted me with. I am doubting I can take any more of it. I am wondering how You will rebuild my brokenness, heal my heart. I know You understand pain. I know people were taken from you too. I know you felt alone sometimes too. I am talking to You knowing you feel me, you get it but not knowing anything else. So here I am to hold, Jesus. You are my only arms right now, Lord. I feel so tiny, so unimportant and I know You probably have a plan I can’t see. Again, I trust You. I will just shut up now and hope You hold me, Jesus. I need you.

Mood Misery

I have noticed that the mood I am currently in, my attitude, my emotional flavor, dictates my level of happiness and tolerance. Joy and peace are underlying from God but my sadness level or happiness quotient are determined by my perception. For instance, it rained all hard yesterday. I got grumpy and sad and miserable because my attitude was one of sadness and loss upon the untimely death of a treasured friend. I roasted in the loss, the sadness, the anger of missing, etc. My resulting happiness was not great enough to even make my goldfish smile. I was a wreck. Today, if it rained hard, I would be so grateful because I am tired from stewing and brewing yesterday and sleep better when it rains. And on days where my mood is up, RAI is most welcome because we can play in it or have hot chocolate and play games and snuggle up to a movie. It is my perception that changes the reality of the unchanging rain. Which reminds me that whenever possible, I need to let my head rule the moment and order my emotions to mind me. Sometimes you need to feel what you are feeling but I would be a fool to let them dictate every decision I make and rule every day. I am old and roller coasters both bore me and make me nautious. I am not willing to ride one every darn day.