I Don’t Cry Anymore (except when empathizing)

Now, since my Daddy died two years ago, I have not.been able to help but cry if someone is crying- real life or on tv/movies. It is just a new thing now where I can empathize with people’s heartache. That is honestly new to me since these last two years. I felt the deepest pain of my life and I now feel other people’s pain. Even if I had felt it before I never cried. I can probably count on one hand how many times I cried growing up. Just not a crier before. So it is a new thing when I see other’s heartache.

Now, for me, I do not cry, not since I came out of the sobbing wet depression a year ago. After Daddy died, I cried for a year straight about and was depressed and really selfish. I know I had a family to look after and did so mechanically but wounded my children in the process and am still rebuilding that. But selfishly, I was stuck for a year in rich grief. Grief n is normal but letting it take over my life was selfish of me, in my case.

Since I snapped out of the depression with God’s help, I have worked hard on rebuilding (God’s specialty) and have only cried since then when I have seen someone cry, but not for me, just for them and their sake and pain, to help. I get it. I understand their pain. I lived it.

I believe sometimes for other people, you can help them more.by crying with them than any amount of advice or well wishes. But as far as we go, we focus on the wrong thing personally when crying. God comforts those who mourn but also rewards those who obey. Now hear me in love… Awfully hard to serve God and others when constantly thinking of what we lost. We do better at our eternal work when we are grateful for what we have left. Re-read that and you will be glad you did. Prayer and pleasing God in obedience is the option. 😄❤

My Birth Month

My mother gave birth to me during this month. That means I was conceived some time in May. Since May, I was a growing baby. And I grew miraculously until I was mature enough to come out into this world and breathe on my own. I was fully functional long before that but just not big enough yet. And I was born on February 16th. And this birth month I am not as excited to celebrate my birthday or birth month as is my custom. I am sorrowful for the babies who are now able to be murdered because of some heartless, evil politicians and the heartless, evil people who elected them and approved and even cheered this heartless, evil decision. It was a dark day in our country and if people do not rise up and demand it be overturned and at the least isolated, we will all face the judgment of God. And that is a matter of national security as surely as loose borders are. And this is the deep mournful concern on my heart during this month I used to celebrate. How can I celebrate life when my American brothers and sisters are celebrating death? How can any of us?💔

Lamentations 5:21

Lamentations 5:21. “Restore us to yourself, Lord, that we may return; renew our days as of old”

Why an entire book on weeping for consequences of a nation’s sin? Because weeping is a necessary step toward repentence and repentence restores our relationship with God. So before a nation that has been neglectful of their God can return to Him, they must first be sorry that they screwed up. Thus Lamentations exists to emphasize that very important point. It is a call to knees. A sorrowful acknowledgment of wrong. And even though it has this mournful purpose, wrought with years of devastation and misery, it has these beautiful pockets of hope in God, of restoration, of hope for the future. They are sandwiched in the weeping so are easily overlooked, but what a great example of the beauty of God and that sorrow may last for a night but joy comes in the morning. We all must mourn and be sorry so we can make it right and restore our relationship with God. Then, what a beautiful world we would live in!❤

In Memory of Family

We have lost family. I wanted to remember them. Here is to time together. We love you dearly still though you chose to leave us. May God bless you and keep you close to Him as we are not allowed to be. God is for you! You are always welcome. ❤

Missing Kat
Kat LaLonde, our Lost Daughter in Law
Wil Sepulveda Missing
Wil Sepulveda, Our Lost Drumming Brother

Unexpected Separations

So our grown son (from my husband’s previous marriage), the Marine and all around really great guy (maybe a tad biased), gave us the wham banger news that his wife of 4-ish years just left him for her ex-fiance of ancient past, the one who wouldn’t commit. Yep. We were going to visit them this week. Now, instead, he is moving alone out west to room with a Marine brother and a fresh start because he loves her sincerely and everything there is her. And I got to thinking. I had that happen in my ancient past… dumped for an unworthy ex after years of commitment and mutual love. And some people are a blessing in your life when they are there and some are are greater blessing when they go. It is impossible to say and realize that for about are year and that is are fact. Before a year is up, you only say it through clenched jaw. But how much worse to end up in many years with someone who hates you and has run you into the ground or stolen your freedom and identity and taken all your purpose to suit them and then threw you out or selfishly cheated. And like I was, he is blessed to start afresh and have us praying for him and encouraging him, and whatever God had for Him can be more apparent without someone half there and unsupportive. Nonetheless, as horrible as divorce is, sometimes you are forced to face it and change everything and that is never easy. So if you think of it, please pray for our son to find the path God wants Him now. God is the healer of hearts and Maker and Lifter of our heads. Thank you and God bless us, everyone!❤

To Miss Is Human

Sometimes we just miss people that once were a strong part of our lives and now and forever will be missing. To miss them is human. There is not much getting around that. We feel. God made us empathetic and feeling creatures, and our hearts sometimes are fuller than we can bear and it seeps out and rolls down our cheeks. We just miss them sometimes. The pain lessens with time and prayer but sometimes you just have to pull out the pictures and memories and just remember and cry one more time. And then on we go on our journey for we do not journey backwards but ahead. We miss people from our past but we must move forward and be in the now. Good news is that God comforts us when we mourn. And I can attest to that. There were times my tears were streaming from such a deep part of my soul, I thought my heart would just break right into and I would be dead. I really thought that it was so deep. But when I prayed my famous prayer “Help me! Hold me!” God put an arm around me. It felt so real I thought someone was there. And it felt like He wiped my tears off my cheeks. It really felt that way. And I understood the entire world and God’s pain and sadness at losing valuable people. I got it. I understood mourning is not for the weak but for all people at some point and God loves us so much He cannot bear to see us so heart-broken without comforting us. He is a good Daddy. And so I missed someone today but God is faithful to comfort and then remind me to keep doing what is right and moving forward, focused on the now. “Now is the most important time in the history of mankind.” I made that up just now but I bet someone already said it somewhere. Lol But each and every day, taken one at a time, is precious and valuable and the most important time of your life. The internal decisions you make right now will change every attitude here forward. And on we go, moving forward but focused on right now. Miss if you need to, and sometimes you do, but then let God dry your tears.and move forward, focused on the no wow with His help. You and He can do it!

The Truth Is

The truth is I am not good at losing people. I used to be great at it, many many moves ago, living in so many places, you are still friends far away but it is all good. Some people are great at losing people, shake it off and you wonder if they care deeply for anyone they are so flippant or nonchallant. A lot of people when dumped just say “Oh well, his loss” and move on. I am made of deeper running waters. I am not sure if it is the musician or artist in me or the Spirit of God who loves everybody or just how I am cut with few friends I let in my inner circle. But losing people affects me deeply. I will have good days, productive laughter filled days. And at night I am a sobbing mess just wondering how to fill such a chasm they left and justifying my leaving the chasm unfilled as a memorial somehow or I am dishonor in them. And the truth is that Christians are supposed to not mourn so long and moms are not supposed to take some time to care for themselves just keep going, and you wonder why no one tells the truth about such things. Why bottle it in? Am I the only one? And I know God is healing and restoring me, I am at peace and joy is coming back but the process is two steps forward and then one or two back and you wonder if this is still the journey or you are caught in some dance. And I pray yet again and God comforts me yet again. And maybe the depth of the heart and love therein is proportional to how much you had needed to be loved by the person you lost. And maybe the fullness of sorrow is not overcome by the fullness of missing the absent person but by a blood curdling scream at the injustice and injury and sickness and evil of the current world and releasing the desire to be loved by someone other than the deepest love of God. Maybe releasing what we long for and think we need is the key to opening up the door for God to walk in deeper with His perfect love and fill us permanently. Maybe.