Hello, Goodbye

Ever get back into someone’s life and then jump right back out of it again? I did that recently. It was like I didn’t realize why the friendship had paused until I hit the play button again and then realized why pausing was better. I am sure I’m not the only one who has done that. But I have decided that it is okay to hit the pause button gently and with love if the reason for hitting it remains. We are called to serve, love and worship God. Most of the time, we do this by loving, serving and forgiving others. However, we are to be responsible stewards of the gifts given us and not cast them before those who scorn it or use it only for their uses and toss it out. So anyway, on a brighter note God blessed me with time with my sweet friend, which was beautiful!❤

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Well Over a Year Apart

I still miss my Daddy. Don’t get me wrong, I am celebrating that he is whole and happy and in charge of the choir or farming in heaven or something he loves. I know he is happy and carefree now and full of life and basking in the rewards he accumulated doing great things on this earth. No doubt in my mind at all. But in this shell, I still miss him. I am depressed no more, God healed me of that, but I still get very quiet now and again. He always had my back. He was one of a very few. He loved me unconditionally. I was his little girl and still am. So, I have taken on his oxe-like strength and greater humbleness and asked God to retain these reminders of him and it has been granted. I also sing better now and I think that was also a gift passed down, a blessing. I remember his eyes dancing every time I walked in the room and his enormous smile. God is my Daddy now and I am content most days and only when I am weak is it not enough. That is dumb though, because God loves me perfectly. I guess that imperfect love that is real is ok to miss sometimes too, though. It is ok. I am ok with still missing him. But I know I will see him, probably sooner than later, the way the world is pushing things along. I am ready. Be ready too.❤

Being Accidentally Wrong vs Being Intentionally Wrong

There is a huge difference between being intentionally wrong and being accidentally wrong. It is truly a huge difference but sometimes the result is the same. For instance, my husband attacks me for both. He treats them exactly the same. In fact, he will stack them up with other past wrongs. There is no white out or eraser. And I am feeling miserable right now because, human that I am, I screwed up yet again and made an accidental mistake (which I am quite sorry for and humbled at having made) and am in the doghouse. I am made to feel like a criminal, foolish, stupid, disposable almost. Every mistake bears the a came fruit. Criticism at imperfection is always awaiting me. I can do little right, it seems. And I have this one joy in the midst of such blatant disregard for my apologetic and humbled disposition. God is generous with forgiveness. I have a heavenly Father who holds my often clumsy and awkward outgoing nature in His hands and forgives me of my flaws. He understands them. God loves me more than judges me. God cares for me and my well being more than He wants to prove I am flawed and in need of Him. He wants to give me joy not steal it, give me peace not damage it, love me not wound me. I have this amazing Heavenly Father God who loves me awkwardness I am and motivates me by love to want to be better. God is not critically picking apart every wrong move or word but is gently guiding me to the write moves and words. It is a comforting reminder that I am unconditionally loved. You know what, so are you. Thank God! ❤

Made to Feel

I used to get angry at myself for showing my feelings. It always seemed to be frowned upon. I was always a very emotional girl but no one would ever know it. I was led to believe crying is for babies and emotional outbursts were for the out of control and thus a crime. I stifled. I wondered why we had feelings if we could never express them. Then I thought maybe they were for marriage, to pour into your mate for life. And then I had no feelings left after a very short amount of time and did not know where to go from there. Upon remarrying, my husband quiets and limits my emotion and feelings also so again I am quelled. Why does God give us emotions if we have to stifle them all the time? There must be a reason because He never makes mistakes and I am not questioning Him, just me. Am I so different? Is this my biggest reason I am weird?  Even worshipping, people want quiet reverence when I want to scream and dance that my Savior lives and loves us and is coming soon!!! There seems a strange conundrum here. Perhaps it is because we are made for something more… some greater freedom. Maybe heaven will be loud and fun. Maybe we are given feelings to motivate us to act. Maybe evil screwed that all up too and we will be free when it is laid to rest soon. For whatever reason, I will continue to ride it out and try my very best to minimize my emotions and discount my feelings. I warn you, though, I am gaining ground with self-control (why one person that attacked my family is still unharmed and will remain so- I forgive her) but I am caring less and less what others think of my worshipping the Lord corporately. I care what God thinks. Everyone else, not so much anymore. I obey God, not them.❤