Hopeless to Hope

The scene is set. The curtain up.

Your happy eyes now looking up.

You have no cares, your life is pat

There is no problem. You hang your hat.

The curtain down, the play is done.

And now the crying has begun.

No one understands, you think

And into darkness now you sink.

But, dearest heart, before you die

Open your heart for one last try

And cry out for the God loving you

The One who made you before the blue.

Pray, dear heart, you’ve naught to lose.

In doing so, you just may lose

The hopelessness and darkness too

For light is what He is for you.

There is another better way

And you will make it through this day.

And then the next and light invades

And soon your heart restored will praise!❤

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Looking for People

I am not on facebook. I was and wasted a heck of a lot of time on it pretending to be social but only writing, never saying or hearing an audible word from people, never making eye contact with them, never touching their skin. I still miss the thought of being “in touch” with them but once getting off of it realized it was just the thought I had to begin with. Knowing the events of a person’s life is in no shape the full picture of that person. Seeing pictures tells only part of the story. And I had shared my number before getting off of it and not one person from it except my best friend, one good friend and family has called since I’ve been off. No calls even when I was on, truth be told. It is this false notion of connectedness in an addictive need to know formula. And that is dangerous. One has a sense of urgent dependency to be on tech to feel connected but it is a false sense of connection. My husband got back on just to wish his daughter a happy birthday, as apparently she cannot communicate any other way. Now that he told her, he is getting off again. So, I was looking up a few friends from my past and they only jumped up in searches on facebook, maybe on Instagram too and nothing about real life. And it brought them right up so good people or bad people would know where they were, what they were doing, see their pictures, etc. That is pretty scary to me, maybe I am cautious. But being off facebook, evidently I am weird again and out of the loop and old fashioned and definitely out of people’s thoughts and minds and realm of communication. So, I draw closer still to God who loves me and my little family and take comfort that God is always with me, even on lonely night after lonely night and days of family and band family that are still around and maybe a friend now and then. And I am content, don’t get me wrong, but I miss days of calling someone up on a phone that doesn’t play a role in cancer and just talk or meet in person. Ooo, ah. What would it be like if neighbors still visited each other. What would happen if people actually still had and practiced real social skills? Who knew technology would kill real committed human connections. Amazing. So glad I have God or I would be extremely lonely in this world. I am so blessed. ❤

Never Friendless

It is a shame whenever I hear of some people feeling alone or friendless. We never are alone and we are never friendless. That is a lie of the enemy. That is their M.O., what they do, all they do. Enemies lie because they want us dead or defeated otherwise. The truth of the matter is that anytime we humbly ask for it, we have a loving (and incredibly powerful) friend in Jesus Christ. God is always everywhere and with us always and will let us feel that when we humbly ask Him to and draw close to Him. He absolutely loves us and we are saved through Jesus’ sacrifice and nd resurrection. My daughter asked me to draw Jesus on the cross and I never will because He is not there. I serve a risen Lord. He is interceding on our behalf in heaven right now, on a throne in glory and power and love. We are still under His grace until He returns. Stay in His grace is my greatest advice. He is our friend. In fact, He us the greatest friend to those who are friendless, those alone, those suffering. His heart breaks and He is more present for them, more eager to be called upon and wanted. You are never alone or friendless. I am never alone or friendless. Reach out to Jesus. Hold on tight. If Jesus is andll you have, you have the best of anything or anyone you could ever possibly need or want. Jesus us the lover of my soul and my heart is full because of His love. Never friendless. Never alone. If you feel that way, it is your pride and the enemy’s lies you are fostering. Truth is this. You are never ever alone or friendless when you humbly pray to Jesus and draw close to Him. He is hoping you will. He died and rose to get that chance.

The Truth Is

The truth is I am not good at losing people. I used to be great at it, many many moves ago, living in so many places, you are still friends far away but it is all good. Some people are great at losing people, shake it off and you wonder if they care deeply for anyone they are so flippant or nonchallant. A lot of people when dumped just say “Oh well, his loss” and move on. I am made of deeper running waters. I am not sure if it is the musician or artist in me or the Spirit of God who loves everybody or just how I am cut with few friends I let in my inner circle. But losing people affects me deeply. I will have good days, productive laughter filled days. And at night I am a sobbing mess just wondering how to fill such a chasm they left and justifying my leaving the chasm unfilled as a memorial somehow or I am dishonor in them. And the truth is that Christians are supposed to not mourn so long and moms are not supposed to take some time to care for themselves just keep going, and you wonder why no one tells the truth about such things. Why bottle it in? Am I the only one? And I know God is healing and restoring me, I am at peace and joy is coming back but the process is two steps forward and then one or two back and you wonder if this is still the journey or you are caught in some dance. And I pray yet again and God comforts me yet again. And maybe the depth of the heart and love therein is proportional to how much you had needed to be loved by the person you lost. And maybe the fullness of sorrow is not overcome by the fullness of missing the absent person but by a blood curdling scream at the injustice and injury and sickness and evil of the current world and releasing the desire to be loved by someone other than the deepest love of God. Maybe releasing what we long for and think we need is the key to opening up the door for God to walk in deeper with His perfect love and fill us permanently. Maybe.

Single on Valentine’s Day

I have a few friends who are single today. They look longingly at the idea of the day, being swept off their feet and whisked off to Paris on a private jet to dine under candlelight in view of the Eiffel Tower and tasting chocolates while walking hand in hand into the sunset on the bridge. Hmm? Well, those of us long married have (with very few exceptions) never experienced this. Truth be told, men are only interested in romancing you until you are married to them and then only do so when pressed. Heavily. Even the romantic ones (of which I have met one who was not heavily pressed), a card, candy, flowers and dinner is the absolute most. So I say all this because it is beautiful to be married and/or engaged or dating steadily but it is beautiful to enjoy your singleness also. Enjoy wherever you are, despite what day it is because God knows you better than anyone and loves you and finds you truly precious. You are valuable, no matter if you have found someone who recognizes and appreciates that yet or not. It will happen if it is supposed to and take your time, enjoying the ride meanwhile because rushing to it may risk you right into a narcissist. God knows what you need. Let go and trust Him and enjoy the journey. You got this! Love you. 🙂

My Mental Status

People that actually love me were concerned about my mentality for a few minutes/months there when my world cam screeching to a hault. I had three people I loved to varying degrees die or die to me at a time. It was the deepest, darkest valley I have ever walked through, and I have been raped, had people die, moved across country alone, been homeless a little, had to walk to work many miles across town and so on. I felt this one hardest because it was incredibly deep meaningful people to me gone all of a sudden and a one that remained were attacking and criticizing me for having feelings about that. And for a while I must admit I was deeply depressed. That is saying something for a girl who had always fou d the best in things and who laughs for any reason at all or makes up a reason. I was shattered and broken, a real mess of a disaster. And I fell into a deep darkness. I had some people far away who loved me and my kids but I felt so very alone and crushed and hopeless. The bottom dropped out. And seriously, I adnm the nicest person I know. lol So, here the story gets good. I adnm this pathetic mess of a disaster and now I have a choice. Give up and stay depressed forever or allow the brokenness to lay me humbly before Jesus and ask Him to fix me. Do I didn’t ask because my words did not come. I cried for the billionth time and humbly looked up and said two words. Ready? “Jesus, help”. That was it. No one to hold, no one to see my tears, alone in my room and this is all I could muster. And you know what? It was enough. In two seconds, it felt like someone put arms around me and filled my heart with something better than what was there, I felt arms around me and I had to look again and make sure noone was there, it felt so real. I started healing right then and there. All of a sudden I felt like God’s little girl again. I felt life again. I laughed again. I mattered again. And the truth of it struck me immediately. Even if I am completely alone in this world, as long as I have Jesus, I am complete and rich beyond words. I truly need nothing but Him. So now I am stronger everyday and wiser. God is great.

When Life Feels Lonely

I know I am really never alone. God is always with me. Since losing my dad and a very good and well loved friend of mine and social connections s on Facebook with my family up north, I struggle with loneliness. This is new for me. Ever a dominant extrovert, solitary loneliness is a brand new problem. I am not alone, my brain and the facts tell me that, I have God and my little family. But I have been feeling very lonely lately and isolated and I hate that. Feeling and knowing are quite different, I understand. I have yet to sort out how to fix this. I am praying and waiting for something different to happen. I figure it is one of those tests of character or preparations for something big coming down the pike or something. I am trying to focus on good things and work on teaching, working, cleaning, things I have to do and praying. So far it is not helping but I will continue this and hope tomorrow is a fresh start to an attitude change. I do not want to add to the negativity in the world. I want to be a positive force. I want to shine my light for the world to see God through me. So I will press forward in faith and trust that God always keeps His promises. He always does.