The Truth Is

The truth is I am not good at losing people. I used to be great at it, many many moves ago, living in so many places, you are still friends far away but it is all good. Some people are great at losing people, shake it off and you wonder if they care deeply for anyone they are so flippant or nonchallant. A lot of people when dumped just say “Oh well, his loss” and move on. I am made of deeper running waters. I am not sure if it is the musician or artist in me or the Spirit of God who loves everybody or just how I am cut with few friends I let in my inner circle. But losing people affects me deeply. I will have good days, productive laughter filled days. And at night I am a sobbing mess just wondering how to fill such a chasm they left and justifying my leaving the chasm unfilled as a memorial somehow or I am dishonor in them. And the truth is that Christians are supposed to not mourn so long and moms are not supposed to take some time to care for themselves just keep going, and you wonder why no one tells the truth about such things. Why bottle it in? Am I the only one? And I know God is healing and restoring me, I am at peace and joy is coming back but the process is two steps forward and then one or two back and you wonder if this is still the journey or you are caught in some dance. And I pray yet again and God comforts me yet again. And maybe the depth of the heart and love therein is proportional to how much you had needed to be loved by the person you lost. And maybe the fullness of sorrow is not overcome by the fullness of missing the absent person but by a blood curdling scream at the injustice and injury and sickness and evil of the current world and releasing the desire to be loved by someone other than the deepest love of God. Maybe releasing what we long for and think we need is the key to opening up the door for God to walk in deeper with His perfect love and fill us permanently. Maybe.

Single on Valentine’s Day

I have a few friends who are single today. They look longingly at the idea of the day, being swept off their feet and whisked off to Paris on a private jet to dine under candlelight in view of the Eiffel Tower and tasting chocolates while walking hand in hand into the sunset on the bridge. Hmm? Well, those of us long married have (with very few exceptions) never experienced this. Truth be told, men are only interested in romancing you until you are married to them and then only do so when pressed. Heavily. Even the romantic ones (of which I have met one who was not heavily pressed), a card, candy, flowers and dinner is the absolute most. So I say all this because it is beautiful to be married and/or engaged or dating steadily but it is beautiful to enjoy your singleness also. Enjoy wherever you are, despite what day it is because God knows you better than anyone and loves you and finds you truly precious. You are valuable, no matter if you have found someone who recognizes and appreciates that yet or not. It will happen if it is supposed to and take your time, enjoying the ride meanwhile because rushing to it may risk you right into a narcissist. God knows what you need. Let go and trust Him and enjoy the journey. You got this! Love you. 🙂

My Mental Status

People that actually love me were concerned about my mentality for a few minutes/months there when my world cam screeching to a hault. I had three people I loved to varying degrees die or die to me at a time. It was the deepest, darkest valley I have ever walked through, and I have been raped, had people die, moved across country alone, been homeless a little, had to walk to work many miles across town and so on. I felt this one hardest because it was incredibly deep meaningful people to me gone all of a sudden and a one that remained were attacking and criticizing me for having feelings about that. And for a while I must admit I was deeply depressed. That is saying something for a girl who had always fou d the best in things and who laughs for any reason at all or makes up a reason. I was shattered and broken, a real mess of a disaster. And I fell into a deep darkness. I had some people far away who loved me and my kids but I felt so very alone and crushed and hopeless. The bottom dropped out. And seriously, I adnm the nicest person I know. lol So, here the story gets good. I adnm this pathetic mess of a disaster and now I have a choice. Give up and stay depressed forever or allow the brokenness to lay me humbly before Jesus and ask Him to fix me. Do I didn’t ask because my words did not come. I cried for the billionth time and humbly looked up and said two words. Ready? “Jesus, help”. That was it. No one to hold, no one to see my tears, alone in my room and this is all I could muster. And you know what? It was enough. In two seconds, it felt like someone put arms around me and filled my heart with something better than what was there, I felt arms around me and I had to look again and make sure noone was there, it felt so real. I started healing right then and there. All of a sudden I felt like God’s little girl again. I felt life again. I laughed again. I mattered again. And the truth of it struck me immediately. Even if I am completely alone in this world, as long as I have Jesus, I am complete and rich beyond words. I truly need nothing but Him. So now I am stronger everyday and wiser. God is great.

When Life Feels Lonely

I know I am really never alone. God is always with me. Since losing my dad and a very good and well loved friend of mine and social connections s on Facebook with my family up north, I struggle with loneliness. This is new for me. Ever a dominant extrovert, solitary loneliness is a brand new problem. I am not alone, my brain and the facts tell me that, I have God and my little family. But I have been feeling very lonely lately and isolated and I hate that. Feeling and knowing are quite different, I understand. I have yet to sort out how to fix this. I am praying and waiting for something different to happen. I figure it is one of those tests of character or preparations for something big coming down the pike or something. I am trying to focus on good things and work on teaching, working, cleaning, things I have to do and praying. So far it is not helping but I will continue this and hope tomorrow is a fresh start to an attitude change. I do not want to add to the negativity in the world. I want to be a positive force. I want to shine my light for the world to see God through me. So I will press forward in faith and trust that God always keeps His promises. He always does.

As I Walk Through Mud Alone, a Poem

As I walk through mud alone, I trip and Wade through its murky gloom

My Dad would carry me when asked, My love would offer me the moon.

And now I walk alone through mud, the rain beats down upon my head

And look before through crying eyes, I see beside the path a shed.

I enter, happy to be sheltered there, not knowing whose this shed may be

And Jesus was lovingly standing there, saying He built this shed for me.

He wanted to remind what I had misplaced, that He was the One I had forgotten 

And that no matter who was or was not there, I was never where He was not.

The rain, it stopped upon revelation, alone was I not ever or the future.

And sunny it was, and even if raining, I would have peace in any disaster.
We never walk alone. We may walk lonely sometimes without familiar faces, but we are never alone and God sends us who and what we need when we need it. Every time. Remember to spend time with the only truly faithful One. He loves us so much.

Single Seeking Someone, Anyone

Ours is a flawed social culture. It appears outwardly bankrupt and operates upside down from ways of old. We push sex down everyone’s throat, starting from children’s ages on up. Scantilly dressed, porn pushed, easily accessible, virtual girls, airbrushed barely legal girls flaunting everything for whoever wants to look or pay, live chat girls with no decency or modesty, plastic starving Hollywood actresses, and barely dressed models acting all sexy for everything from deodorant and perfume to insurance and candy bars and depends. No imagination at all in marketing, just use the easy go-to that sex sells. And then common girls, we gorgeous but not airbrushed with curves and cellulite (gasp) and who actually eat may happen to be single. I am married, but ma y of my friends are not and I write this for them. And these amazing women, who inadvertantly have watched Hollywood’s version of what romance and relationships ships are “supposed to” look like a little too much, wonder why they can’t meet Mr. Right and why when she does meet him he isn’t so romantic or isn’t for long because he splits as soon as another higher hemmed and more willing skirt walks by. It is because our society, including their views on other people, have a disposable and next best thing mentality that really really sucks. Really sucks. They want everything now and fast and free and new and exciting and better and porn, I’m exists fixes. As soon as something more enticing comes along, drop Mrs. Nice girl and go for the momentary thrill. Girls do it too, I am afraid. It all sucks. Wanting to be with someone, anyone has become vital to some kind of twisted self esteem or feeling accepted like a high school popularity contest. People compromise their morals just to not be alone. And here is the answer. Ready? You are never alone. God walks with you, loves you, longs to be closer to you. And you are His beautiful child, His love. The One who made you knows how incredible you are and He is never wrong. When you walk with Him, you are so much better off than with some stupid thrill seeker entitled narcissistic waste of time who won’t even stick around long enough for the flowers to fade. And when you walk with God, He provides what you need. And if your heart’s desire is to be married, He will send someone great and real to you that is worth waiting for. It will be the right timing for the right reasons. My thoughts…

On Losing a Loved One

Life changes when one of its strong components issuddenly gone from it. It suffers. Every aspect is different and causes so much internal speculation and turmoil that emotions boil and brew and erupt and church and one moment is happy and another is heart wrenchingly pitiable with the crying and in between is just generally serious and weird. There is little to do at first other than try to recover from the shock of it and breathe. If logical thoughts can be constructed, you are ahead of the game. It is a strange phenomenon. And life goes on. Your pain goes on but it seems no one sees that though. Truly, people have their own pain they bear and most people pretty much are into their own world and fancy themselves the most important thing in the universe, not realizing your heart is ripped in two with a ferocity. So that is it in a nutshell. And the one thing to realize is that people are not good comforters but God is amazing at it! God loves us and made us, knows everything that has ever gone on, sees your pain now and loves you through it. He is the magnificent One and loves us magnificently. Mostly, He is the only One who does. But He is enough. I mean, He is God! What else do you need?