The Meaning is Deeper

The meaning is deeper, the colors more vivid

When gone through a loss truly disportionate.

The songs mean much more, the birds song is clear

And what you lost brings a sharp tear to your eye.

The clothes feel so different, familiar is odd

Thr whole day is longer and something’s just wrong.

Meaning is deeper, things change just that soon

And God will bring comfort, He changes hearts too.❤

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Sad Christmas Advice

Last year, I had recently lost the best man in the world, the only one who has ever loved me without conditions and my greatest supportive force of my life, my daddy. And two other important, loved people to me also died then. I was sad, I did not even want to celebrate. I did not know how to. It was a monumental loss I had never experienced. So last Christmas was going through the motions, trying to be happy for the kids and my husband, doing my best so they were not traumatized as I was. 

So here is my thought. You are never alone, as you feel. You are never unloved, as you feel. God is our Heavenly Father and loves us so much. So the advice is to remember that, get out and do something (socialize or exercise or serve somewhere), even if you don’t feel like it. Just do it. Read your Bible. Spend time with God. Do something. You will not feel like it. But from experience, time and God heal faster when we do something. The bed is a consuming blackness and brooding makes it worse. So chin up, my love. God will bless your efforts and love you stronger in time. It ends so much quicker when you do something. You can. ❤

On Feeling Alone

It is a lie that we are ever alone. Sometimes I forget that and feel how I am feeling right now… alone. My loving God is one humble prayer away. Yet sometimes I forget and have to remind myself. Why? What is so great that it blocks my vision? And the answer I determined is that it is a cumulation of little things, a myriad of distraction bricks that add up to one large brick wall to shade me from the brilliant truth. The anniversary of my Daddy’s death, the death of a great friend, the rejection and abandonment of another, kids needs, spousal needs, being constantly criticized, demands of time, coaching, leading choir, the band, teaching, cleaning houses, etc. It seems like I should be savagely content with so many people around me pressing in at every turn. But these things, at the end of the day, drain me and as I sit in the dark alone in my room, waiting for my brain to stop so my sleep can come, I wish strong arms would hold me and I feel so so very alone. The distractions, you see, again forged a chasm between the many things requiring my time and attention and my precious Savior who should have it all. My priorities flipped and I confess that I need alone time with God desperately. So tomorrow I will arise early and walk with Him. And He will help me as He always has done and I will get my mind right with His help. I will remember that He is always with me, always loves me and comforts those who mourn and admit they need Him. And I will repent of my falling for the distraction scheme and busyness and remember that no is a good word when you need time with God, nothing wrong with that. Yes can never be the only word or the distraction liars will walk all over me again. Tired of that. I will fight. God will help as He always does. ❤❤❤

Thrown Away

Thrown away, the soul dejected

Lost, alone, the heart does cry

The fit of loss is hard lifted

The burdened pain of love passed by.

And yet is hope, I hear it singing

Fading in from miles away

Call of trump and future mansion 

Jesus beckons me to His day.

Never think a loss is wasted.

Never wonder at pain you bear.

Bow in prayer to One who know all

And think on Him and He is there.❤

Never Alone; Trust God!

Something About the Night

There’s something about the night

About being alone in a bed

That throws loneliness at your feet

And drowns the laughter.

There is something about the night

Alone and cold and stark

That I should be happy about

But it still always feels a struggle.

There is something about the night

That weighs heavy on my heart

Of feeling unloved, unwanted

Of cuddling up alone.

But with God, there is no night.

He lights it with His calm.

The day is always there with Him

The night must flee it’s course.

So I cling to God in the night.

He pampers my soul and spirit.

The flesh may always burn with want

But my soul and spirit are free

Of the great pain of the night.

So to God I put all my trust.

And I will choose to listen

To the voice of peace and reason

And God will bring me comfort.❤

Well Over a Year Apart

I still miss my Daddy. Don’t get me wrong, I am celebrating that he is whole and happy and in charge of the choir or farming in heaven or something he loves. I know he is happy and carefree now and full of life and basking in the rewards he accumulated doing great things on this earth. No doubt in my mind at all. But in this shell, I still miss him. I am depressed no more, God healed me of that, but I still get very quiet now and again. He always had my back. He was one of a very few. He loved me unconditionally. I was his little girl and still am. So, I have taken on his oxe-like strength and greater humbleness and asked God to retain these reminders of him and it has been granted. I also sing better now and I think that was also a gift passed down, a blessing. I remember his eyes dancing every time I walked in the room and his enormous smile. God is my Daddy now and I am content most days and only when I am weak is it not enough. That is dumb though, because God loves me perfectly. I guess that imperfect love that is real is ok to miss sometimes too, though. It is ok. I am ok with still missing him. But I know I will see him, probably sooner than later, the way the world is pushing things along. I am ready. Be ready too.❤

Unexpected Separations

So our grown son (from my husband’s previous marriage), the Marine and all around really great guy (maybe a tad biased), gave us the wham banger news that his wife of 4-ish years just left him for her ex-fiance of ancient past, the one who wouldn’t commit. Yep. We were going to visit them this week. Now, instead, he is moving alone out west to room with a Marine brother and a fresh start because he loves her sincerely and everything there is her. And I got to thinking. I had that happen in my ancient past… dumped for an unworthy ex after years of commitment and mutual love. And some people are a blessing in your life when they are there and some are are greater blessing when they go. It is impossible to say and realize that for about are year and that is are fact. Before a year is up, you only say it through clenched jaw. But how much worse to end up in many years with someone who hates you and has run you into the ground or stolen your freedom and identity and taken all your purpose to suit them and then threw you out or selfishly cheated. And like I was, he is blessed to start afresh and have us praying for him and encouraging him, and whatever God had for Him can be more apparent without someone half there and unsupportive. Nonetheless, as horrible as divorce is, sometimes you are forced to face it and change everything and that is never easy. So if you think of it, please pray for our son to find the path God wants Him now. God is the healer of hearts and Maker and Lifter of our heads. Thank you and God bless us, everyone!❤