I am stepping out soon to go with some lady friends to the Fancy Flea, a flea market annual event in Plant City. This is stepping put of my comfort zone by socializing with women (I get along better with guys in general), leaving the kids at home (I always have them) and shopping (which I hate- no, detest). Why? Because I was asked by a friend and am seeing the need to be more sacrificial in my friendships. I have used the mostly valid excuse that my husband wants or needs me home, I have to take care of the kids, have to walk the dog, have a hundred things to do to maintain the house and garden, need to stay home and teach, run the kids all over, etc. I have done little to nothing with my friends. I want to have them to dinner, go places, have tea parties, but my husband hates company and I have made allowances for that since day 1. I guess my inner hostess is pushing up through all this submission, perhaps my pride has not all been conquered or perhaps the length of the unfairness has erupted my anger, I am not certain, or perhaps my desire to go home being ignored and cast aside for so long is infuriating my inner rebel.
All these culminate to allow me to go shopping with friends soon without children. We will see what happens but it is my first outing with girlfriends in years. And maybe I don’t need to go and shouldn’t, but maybe this small rebellion will keep me from going nuts with homesickness. I miss my family desperately. And when I have felt like this in my life, I make a way to visit. My hands feel tied and I am, inside myself, starting to wriggle. So I will be praying over this. I really don’t want my inner desires to ever take over my commitment to God and faithfulness to humbleness. I do want God to be first always and His will for me to be bigger than any will of my own. And that is what I need to focus on.
Sorry for rambling and this stream of consciousness, but I figured out my desire to go shopping (which I detest) with the girls and why I am conflicted about it. It is way deeper than I imagined. And thinking it through has helped me see why I may not go but why I may instead get out in nature alone and pray for greater endurance and humbleness. I don’t spend a dime (that I am short on adter 3 birthdays this month) doing this and will be better for it. I will get precious time alone in nature with God.
I have changed my plans for the best. Praise God!😄❤