I Wonder at Night

During the day, I am very busy. This is an extremely busy season of our lives. I keep busy, I have no choice. But at night, alone and quiet in my bed, the rest of the house asleep and dreaming sweet or weird dreams as they may. That is when my wondering happens. Right before dreams come to me, I have thoughts. I wonder about all kinds of things. Some are beautiful and good, magnificent and praiseworthy things. Some are dark and mysterious, bordering on temptations. And this is when I have to stop the turn made and double back to good again. I cannot do this on my own. The Holy Spirit in me is powerful enough to tame my rambling mind and kick out what was kicked out hundreds of times before and reverse direction to godly wonder. It is not for me to choose what to think about, it is for me to contritely obey God when He said to think about things that are good and honorable and praiseworthy. That was commanded. So I need to constantly check my thought wondering and especially at night when it is hardest, obey God with the powerful help of the Holy Spirit. He helps every time I really want Him to and convicts me when I don’t. What a gift He is!!❤❤❤

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Born to be Weird

People have told me I am weird all my life. I am totally ok with that, never have tried to fit in and never will, never cared what people thought about me. And I realize this is how every follower of Christ Jesus is in this world. We are aliens, just passing through this life working for the Lord to be as close to Him as possible. The closer we are to the Lord, the more weird we are going to seem to everyone else. We don’t fit in, we are not supposed to. In fact, if we fit in, we are doing something wrong. Jesus did not have a home. I love Rich Mullin’s song that goes, “He had the shoulders of a homeless man.” ❤

Never A Drama-Void Moment

Teenagers drum up drama in their heads. Their hormones lead them one way and their imaginations expound on that in a narcissistic way to produce drama after drama for the real world from their perspective. My daughter said it best, “He’s either nice or mean or sad all the time now.” Anout sums it up.

Some people never outgrow that level of dealing with the world. They remain in teenager hormone imagination land creating drama forever. My ex is like that. If there is no drama, he will invent some to be happy or contentedly unhappy rather. It is exhausting. Now he is getting back together with his crazy wife I thought we had been blessed to be done with. And this is going on and this is and blah blah blah. Neverending drama. And my stepdaughter is teeming with that same narcissistic teenage hormone imagination drama too. Just goes on and on. My mom also has this . I think it is an epidemic, like the plague or something.

Momma’s tired of drama. You know who else wants us to get off the crazy drama train? God does. He wants us to live in perfect peace and keep our mind stayed on Him. He wants us to be joyful always and pray continuously. This is His will forum in Christ Jesus. So, simple is better and eternity-with-God minded is the ticket there. We need to let go of being included in the drama and as fast as they want to drag us there is just as quickly as we turn back to our view of the cross and rolled away stone. And I am looking forward to Easter and will work on celebrating that excellent day all year long. That was pretty dramatic.😄❤

Fine, Not Fine

When someone says “I’m fine”, I know only one thing for certain… they are not fine. When someone is doing ok or well or great, they say so with those words. “Fine” is never fine. It is one of those polite words that has come to mean “I am very insecure/worries/stressed/ill/lonely/abandoned/neglected/angry right now and don’t really have a handle on it but I will say ‘fine’ to be left alone because I don’t want to talk about it and it is just being nice to say that”. If you ever want to test that, ask “Are you sure you are fine?” and look at the reaponse. If the response is emotional in any way, ya got your proof.

What do we do with “fine”? I have a teenage son now who is often “fine” and that is usually some freakish hormonal response of hanger or disappointment or injustice at some perceived fairness violation. And I probe as a good nosy mom and get an emotional response. So, obviously they want to not be “fine” but are too emotional in thr moment to deal with it objectively at that moment. So what do you do? How can we help?

I say now, “I love you and am here to talk whenever you want to.” And when the “fine” is adamant, I pray with him. This changes the perspective rather quickly and allows him to release enough stress to put it in proper perspective or talk about it or maybe even be fine after all. But a humble caring on their terms is invaluable. Generally, “I’m fine” responses are from a position of pride- false pride or selfishness- and humbleness is the cure, which is always true. And when faced with humble love, the pride cracks and the person has a chance at sharing. Then we can stay humble and help or pray with them or just listen. At least they will know we love them.❤

Meeting Imperfections with Humility

I am far from perfect. I strive for being purified by God. I am way too realistic to strive for perfection. I understand full well that is impossible with me. Not because I am bad but because I am human. I strive to live to please God and be purified by Jesus. That is it. That makes me look not perfect but restored. I still have the scuffs and dings and scars but I am a restored, refurbished work of God.

Today, I blew it and again need restoration. Thankfully, God is in the business of detail work. I became angry at a leader in the church, an intern, actually. I said true but inappropriate things about him to a coworker in the kids ministry. I should not have. My anger was just and things are not being handled appropriately, but that is no excuse for me to vent and blow my cool, which I certainly did. True or not, gossip is wrong. Very wrong. I blew it. I saddened my God and I am fully sorry. I said my apologies and prayed my confession and apology and am now in the restoration shop of God again for some detail work.

The thing is, none of us is perfect. I handle my screw ups/sins way better than I used to, however, and I am thankful to God for that. He helped me meet my imperfections with humility rather than pride. The imperfections almost always originate from pride, so to meet them with humility is the cure. It is the step of repentence back. Humility is beautiful. And anyone who says humility is for sissies has never tried it. It requires far more bravery and strength and energy than base pride. But the results are restorative and glorious.

So I wanted to share that and maybe it can help someone too. God is so very good and full of grace and generous with forgiveness. Praise be the Lord!!!❤❤❤

Struggling

When things are going well, look out. All was quiet for about a minute and internally peaceful with God’s love and grace and help. Still is really but seeing someone from my past pop up, someone I used to know every secret, someone who I obviously loved incredibly more than he loved me, who I haven’t seen in a long time, and now I am married to my husband and all is in the past. But seeing the face and hearing the name from a friend just reminded me of the weirdness and struggle with keeping focused on the now. It is easy for me to get distracted, my mind is always racing and God is the only one now who can focus me. And I had to refocus because it is strange to see someone you loved in the past out of nowhere when the loving someone now and being committed in marriage is happening. And I thought hard and really truly would not change a thing. If I had not gone through heartbreak, I would not realize fully God’s strength in restoring me and raising me from the dead. He saved me from myself, no question in my mind. I accept that everything happens for a reason, a blessing or a test, and that God gives grace when we fail the test if we ask Him and smiles if we pass the test. Tests must be. How else does anyone really know how they will respond in a specific situation if they are never in one. It is easy to say the right words without a struggle. When the struggle comes, you and God see what you are made of and infinitely more important what God is made of. How erasylse can we know with our tiny human minds? God has to show us. And I am so very thankful He chose grace for me and gave me a wonderful husband who takes such good care of us. I am content no knowing or contemplating the what ifs. What matters is the now. I choose God’s way and path for me. I am thankful for the blessings and thankful even more for the struggle. Pain is an impressive teacher sometimes if we are open to and decide to learn the leason. ❤

Bye, Beach Bliss

People love the ocean waves.

Me, I love them for a while

And then the sand is everywhere

And burned face cracks to smile.

So keep your beach and burning sand

And I will go to pool instead

And water will still cool me off

And with bathroom close by.

(Not a beach hater, just a realist. Lol)