Made to Feel

I used to get angry at myself for showing my feelings. It always seemed to be frowned upon. I was always a very emotional girl but no one would ever know it. I was led to believe crying is for babies and emotional outbursts were for the out of control and thus a crime. I stifled. I wondered why we had feelings if we could never express them. Then I thought maybe they were for marriage, to pour into your mate for life. And then I had no feelings left after a very short amount of time and did not know where to go from there. Upon remarrying, my husband quiets and limits my emotion and feelings also so again I am quelled. Why does God give us emotions if we have to stifle them all the time? There must be a reason because He never makes mistakes and I am not questioning Him, just me. Am I so different? Is this my biggest reason I am weird?  Even worshipping, people want quiet reverence when I want to scream and dance that my Savior lives and loves us and is coming soon!!! There seems a strange conundrum here. Perhaps it is because we are made for something more… some greater freedom. Maybe heaven will be loud and fun. Maybe we are given feelings to motivate us to act. Maybe evil screwed that all up too and we will be free when it is laid to rest soon. For whatever reason, I will continue to ride it out and try my very best to minimize my emotions and discount my feelings. I warn you, though, I am gaining ground with self-control (why one person that attacked my family is still unharmed and will remain so- I forgive her) but I am caring less and less what others think of my worshipping the Lord corporately. I care what God thinks. Everyone else, not so much anymore. I obey God, not them.❤

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Closeup Inspection

So, I took an uncomfortably closeup shot just to look objectively at my health progress and I noticed something other than the plain features and small hormonal breakout. I still don’t look anything like either my mom or my dad (so the adopted theory is still on the table). However, I am looking a little bit more like my sister in the eyes as I age. And that is making the adopted theory a bit shakier now. Lol Well, have a fantastic night’s sleep, beautiful friend. ❤

Sun Kissed

Too much sun today, from Homeschool Group meeting and then pool time. Lots of sun, lots of heat. Did I mention hot?

So the pool felt good but added to the sun part. And I thought, isn’t that what we do in life? We play with fire, get close to it, have a little more fun, stay a little bit longer and before we know it, we are wounded, burned. Christians seem hell bent on seeing how much of the world they can enjoy and still be saved, how close to the fire without getting burned. Instead, we should be enjoying the fruit of the Spirit and seeing how different we can be from the world as we worship and serve the Lord. ❤

Blessings of a Beautiful Picnic

The day was beautiful, the company enjoyable, our family relaxed, the pool immaculate and perfectly refreshing, great BBQ was served, and all was fantastic. And if your young preteen or teen child needs direction, a service mi daet, respect and honor training, the US NAVAL Sea Cadets and Sea Bees is certainly the way to go. They learn so much, are trained in skills and leadership and respect God first, country second and authorities third, exactly as it should be. So glad we went and what an amazing day!!! Thank you, God, for it! You are the Giver of all good things!! ❤

Far Off Familiarity

When one’s world is changed dynamically, there is a new strangeness to things once mundane. Everything looks different, has a different flavor, it is changed forever. Once you then grow used to this new world you live in and there is a new normal and you see in passing someone that was once prominent in the old world, it is weird. It is like being transformed into a new mesh of the new and old. I do not know what to make of it so I will just let it go and allow God to lead me His way. I walk with Him, so anything now must gel with Him. He is the deciding factor. So… I feel weird but I still praise God! ❤ ❤ ❤ 

Looking for People

I am not on facebook. I was and wasted a heck of a lot of time on it pretending to be social but only writing, never saying or hearing an audible word from people, never making eye contact with them, never touching their skin. I still miss the thought of being “in touch” with them but once getting off of it realized it was just the thought I had to begin with. Knowing the events of a person’s life is in no shape the full picture of that person. Seeing pictures tells only part of the story. And I had shared my number before getting off of it and not one person from it except my best friend, one good friend and family has called since I’ve been off. No calls even when I was on, truth be told. It is this false notion of connectedness in an addictive need to know formula. And that is dangerous. One has a sense of urgent dependency to be on tech to feel connected but it is a false sense of connection. My husband got back on just to wish his daughter a happy birthday, as apparently she cannot communicate any other way. Now that he told her, he is getting off again. So, I was looking up a few friends from my past and they only jumped up in searches on facebook, maybe on Instagram too and nothing about real life. And it brought them right up so good people or bad people would know where they were, what they were doing, see their pictures, etc. That is pretty scary to me, maybe I am cautious. But being off facebook, evidently I am weird again and out of the loop and old fashioned and definitely out of people’s thoughts and minds and realm of communication. So, I draw closer still to God who loves me and my little family and take comfort that God is always with me, even on lonely night after lonely night and days of family and band family that are still around and maybe a friend now and then. And I am content, don’t get me wrong, but I miss days of calling someone up on a phone that doesn’t play a role in cancer and just talk or meet in person. Ooo, ah. What would it be like if neighbors still visited each other. What would happen if people actually still had and practiced real social skills? Who knew technology would kill real committed human connections. Amazing. So glad I have God or I would be extremely lonely in this world. I am so blessed. ❤

Cleaning the Glasses

One of the joys (insert sarcasm) for me in turning 43 was a new, lovely (more sarcasm) fuzziness of things/words close to me. So now I have the luxury (yep, here too) of wearing reading glasses when I read or quilt, etc. Woo hoo! And one day, I put my glasses on to quilt and things were still fuzzy. I read and the words were fuzzy. So, assuming my eyesight was worsening, I started to be annoyed until I realized that my glasses had been smudged by fingerprints or some other obnoxious thing. I cleaned them and all was right again (or as right as possible having to wear reading glasses-Oy!). And I realized that we do that in life too. We see things flawed or skewed when in reality, we have some issues to clean up in the lenses of our minds. You see, how we view the world has everything to do with (directly proportional to) how much we clean up our hearts and minds. Truth is the great cleaning tool for this, found in the Bible, with a healthy heaping of love and prayer with God. When purified/cleaned, we see things differently, and our goal is to be so pure we see with the eyes of Jesus Christ. Then we understand what we need to do to help and why and how. This is a truly fantastic thing! ❤❤❤