The Voice in Your Head

Most of the mischief I ever got into, and believe me I have had my fair share, was due to my own mind’s meanderings. My mind rarely stops unless I am asleep, and even then my dreams are wild and in color. So, I have to get along with all the co structs of my mind, all the fuzzy little animals that live there and every memory it chooses to hang onto all at once, adding most of the time what I am doing currently. Which is why I am sometimes lacking focus. I love to be challenged mentally or physically because then everyone has to work together harmoniously to accomplish a task and there is a calm then. I had calm for quite some time recently until other stronger Eve GS took over that and we are back. But it was a nice break. And the voice in my head is always my own but it varies in color and feel and composition to where sometimes I let naughty win and sometimes nice. Mostly nice, thank God, and I know that He is the reason for that. See, if I give God the reins in my mind, I find it so much easier to do everything else in my life His way and not so much mine. I am naturally loving but not always the right things. Lol God guides my mind through the Holy Spirit and life becomes so much easier to bear in a much better fashion. God is natural at leadership and huge bonus loves me and wants what is best for me. So I love giving Him the control. Less for me to pour over. And the more often I listen to that still small voice in my head, the more I draw close to and appreciate God and His goodness and wisdom.

A Runaway Train

Difficult. When a mind pursues too much, charges ahead to worlds unknown, a calming force, a quiet voice, or a firm hug is needed. The stress of a father not long for this earth creates a vacuum of security as the known forges into the unknown and momentarily produces fear that a man will love and provide and be in my corner as my dad has always been. He has been that one man in life could truly count on, to love me unconditionally and I fight not in letting him go, for heaven is where he will be and deserves that happiness with Jesus. It is fear that I feel. I realized that tonight when I was mistakenly fearing something I really was not. Momentary confusion took over me and I realize I have absolutely no fear of that situation. I fear loosing my support system and that no one will be left who knows and loves me so well. I realize the ridiculousness of that but feelings often do not meet logic in the moment they fly off their perch. I am afraid that those who love me will only do so if I don’t screw up, which I am bound to do. I rather specialize at it lately. I fear there will be one less person to pray for me. I fear my standard of the perfect man will be lessoned or softened in time to lose some of the truth. I am afraid to be alone. Crazy, irrational fears like a runaway train pushing me farther down the irrational track. So stress was holding my mind hostage and fear was making feelings I don’t remember ever acknowledging to a living soul pour out of me onto this paper to try to make sense of them. Sense is an important word. Truth more so. And there is the heart of it. My wise best friend and unofficial therapist and authorized face smacker if needs be let me have my crazy in a nutshell. She spoke truth of who I am in Christ. She spoke of peace and beauty and joy and distraction and to remember who I am to combat these illogical fears. God chose wisely in my best friend. And along the way, I am sorry to have thought too hard about other things that were not the cruxt of the matter. I may have hurt or annoyed or frightened someone and for that I beg forgiveness and if not highest thanks for patience. I am figuring out all this as I go and need to rely more on my best friend to be my voice of calm and realism and truth that daddy was for me and can’t be now. “Tonny?” Was sometimes all it took and the tone of his voice calmed my spirit and stopped my runaway train thinking and all was well again and I was back, joking, helping, serving, making music, working, doing art, whatever it was, I was back on, back to normal. So, I begin again tomorrow with new reflections and truth streaming in where doubt and fear were, and should I soon need a real friend to hold me and calm me and say “Tonny?”, I trust God to provide that person who loves Him and maybe even me enough to help this little girl who can soar again with the right support and encouragement and a few hugs too. And I trust God now enough to hand down the baton from Daddy as main support person of my life to a next generation of support and love for me. Maybe He already has. Runaway train, you are confined to truth tracks.

Day Stops Sometimes

There are moments sometimes where day just stops for a minute and becomes very very dark. You all of a sudden feel very very alone. You feel like everything good in life was removed from the planet. And then the next moment day returns and you feel like there is a chance for happiness. These emotions take on a life of their own and decide to play some psycho volleyball game of pain and peace back and forth. Missing someone is like that. Someone you thought you would always have at your reach, suddenly made to be out of reach. Suddenly missing from your life when you were able to share every moment possible before, now unable to share those moments, unable to talk through the day, unable to hold onto. Still in your heart deeply and still deeply felt with every thought. The moments of loss come and shadow. Then moments of the rest of life come in and give glimpses of peace and hope. Back and forth. Back and forth. This is how life is when you miss someone you love. Life is different. It changes you. The lack of contact with someone you love changes you. Not being able to share your day’s events and thoughts changes you. You still love them but you miss them. So, working on what to do with so much loss at once, there is only one hope. The hope is that God gives you more good memories than the bad missing thoughts, that good would overcome evil, that it already has. Hope is that because I am a child of God that He would surround me with peace and joy and get my attention slowly off the sadness and into His peace, that His gentle whisper would drown out the screaming sadness, that love prevails and destroys the sadness, that joys of life from Him gain more importance than my own momentarily dark thoughts. Feeling deeply is not for the faint of heart. It hurts.

Life is Simply Complex

My conclusion thought, after years of study and experience with people, patients, kids, family, elders, is that life is really best when it is lived simply. I hear from them and see how fragile the human condition is and how much we need family and good friends to rely on. It is true. I do not know how I would have survived or would survive now without my best friend. I am not sure I would want to see the person I would have become without my Grandmothers’ influence in my life. Friends and family are vital. Love also is imperative. But that one aspect of life very quickly becomes complex for seemingly no reason at all. And here is the rub. Other people do not usually embrace simplicity alongside you. So their crazy charges into your simple spaces. And bam! Just like that life is more complex than you would prefer. So, on this sea of life we steer our boats along, maybe it is worth a little complexity to be relatable and reachable for people rowing around us. After all, a little tide now and then gets you to shores yet unexplored so you can search for buried treasure and maybe save a lost soul now and then. And maybe if we work on simple with some complexities, we can be simply complex and happy. A lighter side of approachable with something sacred swelling. Perhaps the light of our eyes will bring joy to an unpolished traveller. Perhaps the ease of our touch will lift the spirits of those weighed down. Maybe that is okay after all.

Unrequested Wisdom

There are words I have, advice I would love to give someone, young women going through life who need answers. No one has asked me for snippets of wisdom about life. With a pretty bizarre wild ride through countries, states, boyfriends, husbands, children, work experience, Christian walk experience under my belt for the last 41 years, I have some insights. I am now going to share unrequested wisdom to anyone who wishes to seek wisdom from someone older in years or spiritual experience. Here goes.

You will go through difficult things. That is part of life. Why? Because you can not ever grow, see yourself better, realize your calling, realize your gifts, learn anything, understand life more, understand God more, appreciate blessings, realize significance of people and things or make memories unless you first go through difficult things. This is unequivocally the reason, so muscle up and figure it out. As soon as you have humbly accepted whichever of these possibilities brings your current difficulty and embrace that, it will magically disappear. Pridefully fight it and it will go on for years or decades and stunt your growth.

You will go through idiot men. That is part of life. Why? Because some men are idiots, selfish, narcissistic, proud, evil, callous, proud (no coincidence I said that one twice) or non-Christian. And also, you may be no picnic either sometimes (no offense) and may suffer one or more of those same maladies. We often start to date men before we are ready to because of pressure from said hormone driven men, hormone driven us, society at large, some foolish parents, or “friends”. When searching for a man, you will certainly find one for there are many. However, when you are disappointed by their performance in living up to “Prince Charming” (thanks, Disney- you suck), bare in mind that you may have been seeking out someone not ready to be a man yet or your expectations may not have been realistic in general. Our happiness must and I say MUST come from within us and our peace and joy with God or it will never show up, especially with the distraction of a human man.

You will not always know what to do. That is part of life. Why? Because humanistic philosophy dictates we are the greatest wisdom we can find and they are idiots. God made us. Let that sink in a moment and breathe it in. Because He made us and everything we know about, He is smarter than we are. He knows this is true. It is a fact. Sometimes, well pretty often, He allows you to be humbled into realizing this truth and get your perspective right. He will actually provide the answers when you humbly ask Him to. It’s whacky, I know, but it is absolute fact. Truth is often whacky.

You do not have to be SuperWoman. I was such a SuperWoman for a time. It is incredibly impossible to maintain that level of energy through time- to work, be wife, be mother, be student, be church member, be friend, be clean, be organized, manage well, be baker, be chef, be dishwasher, be teacher, be everything to everyone without ever breaking a sweat or saying no or any evil thing. It. Is. Impossible. To. Maintain. So, you do what you can do comfortably without pulling your hair out and leave the rest in someone else’s hands (delegate) or in God’s. Rest in Him. Find time to be who He made you to be, doing the gifts He gave you (what you love and are good at). That is good enough. In fact, that is fabulous. There is nothing that invokes confidence and pride more than doing what you were designed to do, not what people “expect” you to do. If they expect that, let them do it. 🙂

There is more, but I have to go sleep now. I will continue with my unrequested wisdom, despite again being unasked to do so. It is a God-given mandate for me to mentor and I have to believe someone needs to hear these words and may benefit from them. 🙂