The Way of the Broken

Just saw a very good and beloved friend from my past. It amazes me when I meet up again with someone who was the purpose for a serious lesson learned long ago and you realize that God takes you exactly where you need to go in life. The way of the broken for the moment is to see the broken as the new you, see yourself as changed, different, lacking now because of some circumstances that disturbed you. And here is God the whole time saying that your broken has never looked more beautiful for there are new cracks that he can fill with gold and diamond inlays. He mends our broken with valuable and beautiful bedazzle. And you end up different yes, but in such a good way as to be strong get and more beautiful and wiser and more mature and now so E sort of walking testimonials y of God’s beauty that can only shine gloriously out of broken. I walk the way of the broken and I am incredible. I know more at 42 than most people die knowing and not because I am great but because I have been broken so many times and allowed God to mend me. He does the work, see. We break and let Him do His thing and He will recreate and fill that with such beauty. I saw this amazing art show one time that portrayed some of the oldest, messiest people you can imagine and captured their eyes. Baby, those eyes moved my soul. God fixes broken so perfectly that He pours right out of His work. I am proud to walk the way of the broken because I know how God works. I absolutely shine.

Sometimes I am Sad

Normally very happy because it is my choice to be so, it is strange to most that I too have sad days once in a while. I do nonetheless, and I want to explore and share it because you might need to pour out or understand some sad days too and you are not alone in that. Everyone, even perpetually happy people have moments of sadness or days or weeks or months even. For me, if I feel it for a day and have a good eye downpour, it passes by the next morning but that is just my experience. Most of the time my sad days center around my daddy, whose dementia is worsening by the day and I am watching slowly drift off to oblivion. That is my sad spot. We have good days and bad days but even his bad days he is not himself any longer, not fully. There is a point he has crossed where he will never be fully himself ever again. His body, always strong and will even stronger keep on even in their weekened state, but his mind is losing the battle. And missing him is not mourning him because some form still remains and I remember. So the pain is acute and long term. I miss my dad but still have him to visit and care for. And today that hit me hard because his mind wandered many paths during my visit, during our attempt at conversation. The second part of my sadness was my son having a cold but going to his dad’s house for the weekend where I can not take care of him and nurse him back to health, and when I asked how he was I received no response. That frustrates and saddens me because I care about the health of my boy. So these two factors and one other I cannot discuss had led me to the point yesterday where my eyes received a good cleaning and my mind dwelt on the sadness far too long. Sometimes you have to feel it. You have to just be sad. In fact, during said times, I try to be as sad as possible, making it far sadder with my imagination, picturing everyone I meet with hidden sadness and tears about to emerge. Then I can cry harder, more painfully, more heartfealt. What purpose does this serve? It cleans my eyes, for one. Secondly, it gets it over faster so I can move on to the rainbow after the flood. Thirdly, if I do this hard enough, I become ridiculous to myself and will turn it over into laughter. Maybe that is a little crazy, but a little crazy never hurt anyone and by the way do not judge me. lol. If I can convert the energy of the tears into a greater more positive energy of laughter, it helps everything and lifts my spirits, cheering me up afterwards. It is not that I negate or dishonor the sadness but that I pay it homage and respect it but then draw the line at it ruling my life. The sadness must never be the goal, must never rule the show. It is a means to an end, which is to remember that God gives joy and peace and comforts us when we mourn. That is the end of the story, you see, my friend. It is a happy ending. It is an ending worth pushing through to get to.

The Fire in my Eye

Once upon a time, God made me. I plopped into this world with a pretty big thud (over 9 lbs) and alone. My twin brother decided to meet me in heaven later. So here I was, on this earth and from day one there was a fire in my eyes. A sweet fire, but a fire nonetheless. I grew with that fire sparking, always sparking, lots of life, lots of drive. Fast forward 20 years or so and I made some really stupid choices to allow another human person to douse my fire, diminish my spark, lesson my drive. I believed an idiot. And I didn’t realize it at the time, but believing an idiot over the truth made me an idiot too, against the truth of who I was I believed a clueless wonder, a moron who made someone (me in this case) feel like less to feel like more. And dumb me of ancient past believed such lies and a fire, born to blaze eternally, went out. Not completely because it is innate. A fire was still perking unseen, awaiting a new spark. Fast forward past one misfit marriage into one of much more freedom and finally what relit the flame of life, of drive, of passions and pursuits for God, of peaceful movement forward was a spark of love and acceptance and fitting somewhere with someone whole who fit back. And life moves on again, fire is reborn, stronger and wiser than it was before and I see God’s hand in this. I feel the passion for life I once had, I hear the calm reaching hand of the Almighty coming toward me and feel Him lifting my head. So never underestimate the power of your love on another’s life. Love may mean the difference for them, may relight the fire in their eyes. And loving them and making a difference to them may relight your own fire. Sometimes doing what seems hopeless brings hope when done anyway. Have a goal of relighting at least one fire in your lifetime. What a gift that is! What a blessing!

The Blank Stare

In college, I had a number of jobs, sometimes coinciding with each other. Anything to keep a roof over my head and stay in school. So one of these jobs was as a daycare worker. I loved my job because I had toddlers often and while it was their nap time I had babies to rock to sleep. It was a wanting-to-be-a-momma’s dream job. Mostly because I could sleep at night and also go out when I wanted to. lol I digress, the point is that one toddler, with his cute little roundness, when I told him to put the toys away because it was time for whatever it happened to be, he gave me this blank stare. I would repeat to put the toys away, he would repeat the blank stare. Only when I stopped what I was doing, usually putting down another kid I had just saved from a runaway child or something, and had him help me pick up the toys did the blank stare go away and he started helping. And often I have thought about that little boy, wondering if he continued the blank stare into adulthood, wondering if he is maddening some women he married or whether she will figure out that she needs to come alongside him. I often  have tried the blank stare routine when asked to do something I did not want to do, pretending I didn’t understand what was asked or going on vacation in my mind. But when people come alongside and do that difficult thing with me, it makes all the difference in the world. You are welcome to borrow my sweet ward’s blank stare technique and see how you fare with it. In the meantime, it would be lovely to have some help and company of a good friend through all of life’s blank stare moments and maybe we can accomplish those difficult things together. And go drink milk and cookies when we’re done.

An Eye for Eyes

Ever notice how the people we love have the most beautiful eyes? Maybe it is how they look at us. Maybe it is that we look at them more and notice the beauty. Maybe it is because of the blind love thing where everythuing is beautiful when love is there. All that is true. I think, however, in my strong romantic sensibilities, that the better you know and study a person, the more you can see the very very subtle changes their eyes make that tells on them. Through those beautiful orbs we can see into the intentions and thoughts, the soul’s outcries, the heart’s echoes and it draws us in. To know someone truly is to love them and to love them is to see inside into their essense. It is so passionately beautiful, so eagerly genuine and heart warming. The greater you pay attention, the greater is the amount of u derstanding you possess of that person’s design, imperfections, truth. We can see when lies creep in and when truth wins. We can feel their struggles and joys through these lenses. There is great beauty in seeing another person’s soul through their eyes and a great joy in learning a new perspective on life through learning their soul. The abundance of new material to peruse is enough to keep one occupied for a lifetime or at leat until next Tuesday. Lol The eyes hold every secret but you cannot study them until their heart allows it. And you cannot understand their intricasies until you put in the time and pay attention.

Seeing Things

I see a lot. An artist is one who sees things and then can interpret what they see into a presentation or package of sort (music, paintings, sculpture, words, etc.) that someone else can then see and maybe appreciate. Sometimes what we see is only in our minds, sometimes it is an inner event in someone else, sometimes it is so staying in nature, and sometimes it is a culmination of experiences put together in a way that recreates something or creates something new out of it. Any way you look at it, you see first. Seeing things takes some time and effort but more than all of it a focused desire to see. Seeing requires a desire to do so. Seeing things takes dedicated moments of concerted concentration and calmness to absorb things, attending to emotions, attending to stories beyond the facts, attention to flavors of environments and not just the players in it. Colors, smells, feelings, textures, lighting, all play a part in assembling the truth of the situation and not just blind facts of it. To see is a gift. I thought everyone had this when I was young because so many artists in their own right surrounded me. Moving away from this tiny artistic slower moving town, I was struck with the busyness of the cities and suburbs I lived in and how few people took the time to see. Those of us who took that time still, called artists, stood out among the rest and were in demand for skills we possessed to do so. But what I am struck with is how few try. So many could learn to pause in an important or memorable moment and really see things happening and note in their mind’s eye what is valuable in the situation and draw from it later. Life increases with much greater value when the important times are recalled with clarity and precision. It is worth extra time for the moment to be saved, depended upon and recreated to remind others. Oh how valuable is the precious meaningful moments in nature, with family, near friends, by children! They need to be captured and referred back to often for the dark moments, moments that come when it is a curse to see things. For these moments, we must reference our good thoughts, our light, the laughter or beauty of preciousness. Herein is the unsurpassing value of art and seeing things beyond the facts. This is why seers are important, this is why art is important. Rising above the gloom or hard times, art revives our spirits to happy places. This is why I value art and life. We have a choice in it. We can focus on the good. We can focus on better times. We can share our sight of the truth.

The Eyes of Wonder

Eyes of wonder capture the beauty in everything. They see the expression on each face. They notice eyes that cry and smile. They balance colors and appreciate the variety. Eyes of wonder evaluate their environment, see every detail, notice every part and yet long to keep studying it. Eye of wonder appreciate the artistry involved in all of creation and so appreciate their Creator more. Eyes of wonder are naturally in children. A child’s eyes captures wonder in ways we cannot as adults. However, there is a way we adults can still have this soulful curiosity about nature, about God, about people. One way is to think like a child. A child dwells in the present. It takes a long time to teach future consequences to a child because the present moment is the most important moment ever in a child. The past doesn’t matter much to them either for quite a few years. Children are also not so full of agendas. Play and observation time are valued higher than eating or staring at entertainment boxes until they are taught and conditioned differently. We adults can slow down, simplify our schedules and lives and appreciate the moments we live. We too can have eyes of wonder which can help us see things and people as God sees them and respond accordingly where we may be able to help. We must embrace this quest. It is vital to growth and beauty.