Benefits of Being Married Long Term to an Addict

Many people believe there is only negative in being married to an addict (it does not matter the addiction of choice- they all look the same ugly in a spouse and are all rooted in false beliefs, lies, sin and pride). There are many advantages and blessings. Some are the following:

1. Being humbled every day allows a contrite heart to flourish. It is next to impossible to feel like the center of anyone’s life or attention who already has their addiction as the center. Yes, the downside is that often even God and obedience comes after the addiction, but I am showing the positive and it is true that you cannot help but be humble when married to an addict. This helps a lot when working on contrition with the Lord. And that is a hurdle to faith most people really struggle with.

2. You depend on and trust in God only and that is very healthy spiritually. You cannot depend on the addict often but you realize quickly (because of the contrition mentioned earlier) that you can always depend on and trust in God.

3. You love truth. You realize that the addict, although in denial with lies and false beliefs, is riddled with guilt and fear all the time and lies like they breathe. This is so obvious and lies upon lies gets old. So you love truth. I read my Bible all the time, loving every word, every truth it is. You truly appreciate truth more than most do.

4. You accept and learn to be content in God. You appreciate everything good in life, really appreciate every blessing, every kind word, every word of encouragement, every friend who sticks around, every prayer where you feel God there with you. You appreciate more. You are thankful for a home with air conditioning, transportation, food, all those blessings people take for granted. You are content with unimportance. You are happy with every blessing and know full well that God is enough every day, every time, every moment.

5. You develop a thick chin. You realize that what God says about you is the truth and are thankful for it. You realize the truth is not in the accusations and put downs and anger/rages that always accompany the adddictions because of their nature and guilt and fear. You realize that God lovingly made you and sleep alone for years or not, you are beautiful inside, God lovingly made and gifted you. You are incredibly beautiful because God’s glory shines through you. So beautiful!

6. Forgiveness comes easily. You have to forgive so much and are humbled and contrite that forgiveness comes super easily. You have to forgive to survive. You forgive because you love. And you forgive because God forgave you and you want to be forgiven and have your prayers answered.

7. Greater faith in God. You rely on God for every encouragement, every good thing, every solution to every abuse, every emotional anything, healing when stress is getting to you, every comfort when lonely, everything. This is invaluable in a walk with the Lord and makes us closer. And heaven will be so much more beautiful!

8. You show them God’s true love. When you stay with an addict, you have the chance to show them love. In fact, the act of staying married to the addict is the strongest show of love along with the forgiveness. Love is patient, kind, self-sacrificing, humble, real, truthful, joyful, peaceful, faithful (even if they are not), etc. We are responsible for how we love. And love is purely beautiful.

9. You are in obedience to God. God hates divorce and if it can possibly be avoided, it should be. There are many blessings and rewards for obedience to God.

I hope you understand better the blessings involved in being and staying married long term to an addict. No one is perfect except Jesus. Staying married is your choice I would say largely because of these blessings and love. And God’s love is the greatest force I know.❤

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Jesus- Focus Saves me Daily

My secondary love language is encouragement. Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages describes it as “words of affirmation”. My primary love language is quality time. The others are acts of service, gifts, or touch. I spend time with an encourage those I love. A lot, whenever I can. Some people I love are far away so I spend time and pray for them. It’s what I do.

Well, the downside of having a love language is that if people you live with or are married to don’t speak your language, you either have to keep reminding yourself that they speak a different language and still love you or you don’t really feel loved. I feel loved by my kids because we spend a LOT of time together. I spend a lot of time with my husband since he retired also. The secondary language, encouragement, is harder to come by. My daughter is the best at it, thank God, and my son is when his teenage hormones ate not in charge, but my husband could quite literally be the best critic in the universe. He could find something wrong with every tiny thing and suck out every ounce of happiness you might otherwise find in his presence. I brought this to his attention and he was more careful for five or ten minutes, so we are not without hope, but criticism eats me alive and my poor kids too. Horrible stuff, criticism. I strongly recommend staying away from the stuff, it’s like acid eating away at your heart.

Anyway, the point… focusing on Jesus and His Word the Bible encourages me and gives me time with Him. And in this way, I have stayed married to the critic, stayed sane, thrived in my knowledge of the truth of who I am in Jesus, and have taught my kids they are who Jesus says they are and not what any other person on earth says. We are not defined by our sins but by His redemption. I am not my failures but His victory, precious and loved. This is now and will always be true 100% of the time.❤

Advice for Marriage

1. No one is perfect. Forgive. You need forgiveness too. Forgive how you want to be forgiven, not what they deserve.

2. Build your relationship with God and depend on God. The spouse is not God and will let you down, can’t help it. God never will let you down.

3. A spouse can only be who they are. Don’t expect more or less and you have friends and God for what they cannot provide (I mean compliments or conversations or what not). If he/she always criticizes, find a friend for compliments or better yet learn more about what God says about you in the Bible and be satisfied with that.

4. Marriage commitment is binding. No divorce, you gotta make it work. Keep your problems between you and God, work it out, stay humble. And refer back to number 1. Repeat.❤

Single Discouragement/Spouse Desperation and Jesus

I have friends who are single with God. Either this is on purpose, as is the case with our nephew who became a Jesuit priest, or unwillingly because they have never been asked to marry, never met the right person. And this latter group is who I am addressing. When you have the Lord and stay close to Him, God is RI her in comfort and understanding and much more unconditional in love than any man or woman and you are really blessed. It is easy to see what you think other people have b in a spouse, but in my experience, living with a spouse is very lonely. They want you to be what they want, take care of them, do everything their way, disregard your own needs in strong favor of theirs. And my husband has never slept in our bedroom, preferring n the couch. I used to cry a lot. He preferred gawking at prostitutes online to looking lovingly at me and that also made me cry and discouraged me. And guys are never the gentlemen they appear to be when they are dating you and trying to win your hand. It is a deception, in my experience. There is good too, a lot of it, like him paying the bills and taking us to dinner and allowing me to homeschool the kids at home. But I am making a real point here. You can not only be lonely in marriage but you can be lonelier. Sure you have a companion, but it is on their terms. So the key to joy in life is not a spouse, it is closeness to God. A relationship with Jesus trumps everything and makes married life worthwhile and peaceful as well as makes singleness worthwhile and peaceful. Thr closeness to Jesus is most definitely our only hope and what makes all of life beautiful and prepares us for eternal life with Him. So stop searching for another person to make you successful and happy and trust in Jesus and draw close to Him for joy and success and the highest worth.❤

Why Pornography Hurts Marriages

Pornography is not innocent fun. It hurts relationships and here is how, from a Christian wife’s perspective.

1. Trust is blown. The adulterer (person engaging in porn) has committed an adultery against his/her spouse. This has been done against the spouse’s back most of the time and been lied about. This tears down a trust wall pretty quickly.

2. It makes the spouse look bad/be easily disrespected because the spouse engaging in porn is viewed by the spouse as a self-control-less dog, some animal that can’t even control the sexual urges enough to keep sex between them only.

3. The spouse engaging in porn is dishonoring his/her spouse but the implied message that he/she is not enough to satisfy them, not airbrushed and misproportioned like those viewed, not unnatural enough, not good enough, not worth honoring with faithfulness.

4. The spouse engaging in porn develops a perverted and incorrect view of sex and becomes more and more difficult to make love (big difference) to their spouse. The plastic bimbos for hire are sex slaves and intimacy suffers enormously with the spouse who is not a sex slave but was designed to be so much more.

5. God is dishonored. This is the most important problem with porn. God is dishonored because you are saying by engaging in porn that what He says is irrelevant and unimportant and that disobedience and disrespect cannot help but separate you from a joyful prayer life and close relationship with God and if not repented from can cost you much more in eternity.

There are other reasons porn is sin and horrible for relationships, but these are the main ones I have found to be true and why couples should seek help if engaging in porn has become a habit (addiction illness) or if it has created a rift in the relationship. And God is only ever a humble prayer away to help also. ❤

Special Kind of Talent

I was able to be a supportive wife with my kids today at my husband’s gig at Old Town. Yet somehow my special kind of talent again allowed me to help set up and tear down as well as do the sound check as the lead female vocalist and pianist were late. So I worked during the gig and supported my husband and the band he was helping out. I always manage to be helping or filling in or something. I arrive and end up being a teacher or roadie or sound checker or boss or janitir, whatever the need is. That seems to be my talent. I guess that is either competent or a humble servant’s heart or just naive. In any case, God knows full well I work for Him and no one else. Those I help I see as helping Him. Someone asks me to help, I assume God just asked me to help. That is how I was brought up and how I am. And I guess my stubbornness and faith kick in and I do it whether or not I ever have, and God always blesses my efforts for Him. For instance, the band appreciated what I did and asked me to sing lead for them in another gig. So… cool. And God always blesses my support of my husband (even if he was really mean that day). It is funny. When I drop my pride and be supportive and do what I know I should do, God blesses and the I am treated better. Most of the time. But even if not, I am not working for a person, I work for God, you see. So this night was very fun and they were great and I am rewarded and happy and exhausted. Going to bed now. Sweet dreams, friend. ❤ 

A Good Man

I am married to a very good man. All good men and women are humans so none of us is perfect. I screw up all the time, despite my best efforts. And so does he. And while some people hold people to an impossible perfection expectation, I have no bent toward that particular sin and accept him as he is, with hope that he accepts me as I am too, “warts and all”, as the Brittish put it. And I believe sincerely that God can bond and unite two imperfect people and create from them someone better and more able to serve Him and others, and that common goal helps unify. It further helps that we are bonded by music. I believe all marrieds should have something in common to do together. And may God bless us all. ❤