Giving Up on Frustration

Today was horrible. I will not lie. My husband woke up in a really bad mood and then it got worse. Last night was no picnic. And it is all culminating on him right now. He has lived with guilt and blame and unresolved issues so long he is now literally paying for it. He is angry, moody, passive aggressive and rightfully so after a fashion because we are dealing with and paying for termite annihilation, a broken van door, and PIED while doing house renovations on the back patio and two gigs this week and one just finished from the weekend. It is a lot for any person, and such stress and punishment brings a rawness of temper. And of course I and the kids are the closest things to lash out at.

But is that really understandable and normal? Is it OK to be a jerk when paying for past and present sins you are busy denying exist? God is not One to be fooled. He sees and knows everything. You can lie to yourself so long and other people so long but God sees. He awaits that humble, contrite heart coming to Him for love and help which He freely gives. Then He wants change for your sake. Until then, I prayed for consequences. Be careful what you pray for. But I am with the Lord and ready. I am tired and am giving up on frustration. As such, I am now praying for all of it. I am being the humble one and admitting I cannot do this alone and refuse to be frustrated another day. So I give up. I have no control, perceived or otherwise. I can do nothing alone, I freely admit it. My meaning, identity, lifeblood, spiritual gifts, abilities, health, strength, oxygen, everything is completely dependent of God. So of course is every event and situation of my life. I can control nothing. I can want another person close to me to get help and repent, as it hurts everyone close to them as well as themselves, but I cannot change or soften a heart. Only God can, and He knows what it takes to soften and correct another soul He made. Of course, it is always their choice ultimately, but God knows them best and can help most if anyone can.

So, long story to say that I give up on frustration and will pray humbly and do everything I can do and give everything all over to God for His will to thrive. I want to and do decrease and Jesus Christ increases in my situation. And I will walk the path faithfully, even if God and I are the only faithful ones doing so. I will be trustworthy even if no one else is. I will be kind and encouraging even if everyone is mean and selfish around me. No matter, I give up frustration. I give it to God. And praise God for being strong enough to take it and work corrections and who knows, maybe miracles. ❤

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On the Lighter Side

Helium. Helium is on the lighter side. And thank God for what it does to people’s voices. Also, God is still, now, and always forever in control. Praise God!!!❤❤❤

Control Issues

I used to be pretty controlling. Not of other people, never been selfishly manipulative to my knowledge, but controlling of situations and things in my life and myself. In fact, I rarely ever have given myself free reign because I have always known what I am capable of. But I strove to control the variables, the surroundings, the stage, the play, the band, whatever it was. And over the years, culminating in my Daddy’s and two dearly loved friend’s simultaneous deaths and my subsequent depression, I am a humbled woman. As such, control is not a goal I aspire to. I realize it is an illusion, a lie. We have, I have control over absolutely nothing. We cannot control a person, a thing, a situation, the environment, our kids, our vehicles, anything. Control is a lie. Satan tricks a lot of people using the lie of control. But he himself, the disgusting liar, can only control what God allows him to “control”. And the gift of control his lie offers to get people to break relationship with God is not worth the charred paper thin promise full of fine print and his lauhhter at your gullibleness he lied to secure. So I (not an actual angel at one point lol), got nothing. I can’t control a thing. And I don’t even want to. However, the closer I am in relationship with Jesus, the more the Holy Spirit helps me to control myself. I can genuinely and with peace forgive a wrong immediately now. I can forgive myself. I no longer have the will to fight a person for wrongs done to me, though I still defend my family with a greater passion than ever before. I have more patience, more gentleness, more love and more passion. Control is not where joy is found except in controlling one’s self. That is beautiful. The relationship with Jesus and feeling His love pour over me is beautiful and worth every humble obedience I can offer and bring peace in any circumstance rather than the stress of perceived control.❤

Retaliation is for Animals

When you are wronged or wounded, your gut instinct is to retaliate, exact vengeance, get even, demand evil upon them, wish an anvil would drop on their heads (yeah, so I loved cartoons in the 80’s), whatever the case may be. Retaliate is the animal instinct, the pride demanding it’s rights. However good that would feel for a little while, it is never God’s answer and never eternally satisfying. You see, if you take a big step back at the big picture, eternity is in that scope. In the moment, we are thinking myopically in that tiny space for that tiny time. The thing is God says vengeance is His. In a twisted way, you do more damage to them by letting God punish them. But if you take the way of love Jesus taught us, you, wait for it, love them back. Thank them for the lesson in humility, which is where we need to be anyway, and heap on them good things. Why? Because maybe they will see they were wrong and make amends or even be saved. And if they are not, they answer to God who can do a heck of a lot more damage than you. Expect higher function of yourself than a base animal. Choose not to retaliate, choose love. And that is power, truth, beauty, the glory of God. You will get better and retain your joy and peace. Ah, what a beautiful option!❤

Control

Here’s the thing, we can control so very little in thr world around us. Sometimes we cannot control anything at all. One exception: ourselves. We can control ourselves with God’s help. And as such, we can control our responses to the hideous world around us and focus on the beautiful world around us, for both are ever present simultaneously. We can control our focus and our actions to help clean our neck of the woods up. God gives us strength for each day and He is in control of everything with one exception: He only helps us when we humbly ask. He does not control us because love cannot do that. Love is freedom. He lovingly asks for a relationship with us. That is love. Love does not equal control of us. He controls our environment so we are free to make our own decisions. That is love.❤❤❤

Control Freaks

I gotta admit that in my previous life B.C. (before Christ) I was all about control, and not necessarily myself. I had about certain way I thought my life and those I loved and society at large should be and worked agressively to get there and live up to that expectation. I always tried to be good and moral as I was raised and wanted good for everyone, which is lovely, but tried to force everyone into how I thought it should be good. Strange, I know, but nonetheless, people will always do what they want or decide to do no matter how much you want them to do something else. Porn addicts will remain so until they decide not to be controlled by those evil urges anymore. Alcoholics will continue to drink until they decide not to be controlled by that evil (for them) substance anymore. Same with drug addicts or workaholics or food addicts, etc. No one can control another person. At least not for long. Nor is it healthy. Unless it is their decision, they will keep doing it. Real/God’s love and gentleness may pull them out or at least get them to listen but they still have to make the choice. They may respect you enough to not do it in front of you or become or attempt to become sneaker about it but they will keep doing it. It is their own attempt at control, which is ironic and the lie because they are actually giving up control to the thing addicted to. They want control and have accepted the lie as truth that the addiction gets them there. It never ever ever ever will. In fact, it keeps them from a deep bond with God who loves them no matter what and is actually strong enough and willing to help. So stop trying to control or change anyone but yourself and just accept them as they are and heap love on them or decide to reject their behavior and leave. Quit whining and make a decision and do it. I control very little except myself internally and even that I defer to God most of the time. And I am content, at peace, full of joy. Yes, I am very tired often for being second to a disgusting addiction, going with unmet needs often, and if I think fleshly and emotionally, I can become despondent and forlorn. But in my Spirit, as I read my Bible and pray and keep giving everything to God, He continues to comfort me and love me and provide. God is that big and loving. What a great comfort that is!!!! ❤ 

Made to Feel

I used to get angry at myself for showing my feelings. It always seemed to be frowned upon. I was always a very emotional girl but no one would ever know it. I was led to believe crying is for babies and emotional outbursts were for the out of control and thus a crime. I stifled. I wondered why we had feelings if we could never express them. Then I thought maybe they were for marriage, to pour into your mate for life. And then I had no feelings left after a very short amount of time and did not know where to go from there. Upon remarrying, my husband quiets and limits my emotion and feelings also so again I am quelled. Why does God give us emotions if we have to stifle them all the time? There must be a reason because He never makes mistakes and I am not questioning Him, just me. Am I so different? Is this my biggest reason I am weird?  Even worshipping, people want quiet reverence when I want to scream and dance that my Savior lives and loves us and is coming soon!!! There seems a strange conundrum here. Perhaps it is because we are made for something more… some greater freedom. Maybe heaven will be loud and fun. Maybe we are given feelings to motivate us to act. Maybe evil screwed that all up too and we will be free when it is laid to rest soon. For whatever reason, I will continue to ride it out and try my very best to minimize my emotions and discount my feelings. I warn you, though, I am gaining ground with self-control (why one person that attacked my family is still unharmed and will remain so- I forgive her) but I am caring less and less what others think of my worshipping the Lord corporately. I care what God thinks. Everyone else, not so much anymore. I obey God, not them.❤