Year Long Struggle with Depression

I did not have time to mention this yesterday. I have struggled this past year with depression. My daddy died of dementia, a good friend died in a car accident and a very good friend married a monster and abandoned us all. And I took these things to heart, three different kind of losses at once- two deaths (my loved daddy and my friend) and a betrayal of a loved friend/band brother. Before all this happened at once, I thought myself pretty strong, an independent woman who can do anything. And wham! I was instantly transformed into this little wimpy girl. I never had struggled with depression, being more inclined to laugh everything off than cry. In fact, I rarely ever have cried in my life until this three banger event happened. And let me tell you a secret. I am very thankful for having gone through this humbling. How can I say this? Can anyone enjoy going through the greatest pain imaginable? I am honored that God chose to humble me and save me and draw me close instead of give up on me and abandon me like so many had. It was a process of a year of torture, sadness, crying, mourning, loneliness, deprivation, withdrawal from everyone, trouble concentrating, lethargy, inability to laugh like I used to. I kept up a good front often but was dying inside. And it took that to wake my stubborn prideful butt up to be humble and prayerful and teachable and realize God not only did not throw me away but He was nurturing me back to health the whole while, never giving up on me. A special thank you to whoever was praying for me. And thanks to God for holding me when noone else would. And I would have pushed anyone else away then anyway but God is so tender and loving and faithful to hold me when I cry. And Sunday, the year of depression lifted from my shoulders and I felt a release. And tears poured again but these were not tears of sadness but of joy. And today, I laughed with my daughter as I have not done for too long. And I realize my greatest strength is that in my great weakness, Jesus is greatly more powerful than I am capable of. And that is true strength. I heard a quote that “you will meet your greatest ally and greatest enemy and in the end you will thank them both” or something like that. I am so incredibly thankful!!!! God is definitely my hero and loves me and I love Him with my little self. ❤❤❤

Feeling Good Today

Missing my walk ended up being a good thing. Got some sweet time drawing with my daughter and a good talk with my son. And had some great time talking to the Lord Jesus Christ, my very best friend and only Savior, and doing art through quilting, mowing (got rained out yesterday), going to IHOP with my family for brunch, measuring out the back porch with my hubby and planning for them to start working on making a concrete slap patio a sunroom complete with hot tub. I am not sure how this day could have been better. And the most beautiful part of the day was that it was an answer to prayer. I have had several really difficult days, horrible even at times, hard days, ugly even in moments. So I talked to Jesus, my Heavenly Father, about this. I asked Him to help. I was not sure how exactly, but He knows my heart and what I need even before I ask Him. And He gave me a very good day today, a happy husband, a good daughter, a happy son, a wonderful day. This is how good God is and how wonderful it is to have such a beautiful personal relationship with Jesus. He is so much more than my Savior who died and arose to give me a way to be saved and assured of heaven, but He walks and talks with me as I humbly pray, He is my best friend, my confidant, my comforter, the peace and joy and love in my soul. I  so honored that He loves me. I am so honored to be His!! ❤❤❤

Serenity Deception

Picture of serenity, right?

Until you know this is underneath it.

And I took a picture of the quiet area. Lol

In truth, we are all in the same boat. Some seam serene but really we just see the mask, that small part that appears serene. But like the crazy loud park we are at right now, we are all fighting something, screaming out “I am not calm!” So we need to know we all have troubles and crazy going on underneath, spiritual battles really, but we are all together in this. And God is the great peace maker. God is our loving Father who promotes peace. And He can give you this peace in the storm like my little friend here. 

The Lost Birthday

So my very good very loved friend and band brother that abandoned us for a psychotic, controlling female lacking music interest (horrific!), has a birthday in two days. We miss him. Makes me remember all the gigs, the great times, dinners, years of making beautiful music together. All a wash. This is the birthday in 2 days that is now lost, a wash, we cannot even talk yo him to wish him aw happy birthday, much less take him to dinner or give a gift. Well, just realized I still have one female creature to forgive and I thought I had gotten everyone. Lol Ah well, people make their own bad choices in life like I do sometimes, I guess. It affects everyone, so please take care and slow into decisions that devastate so many. And when you do have something great going on, please treasure it emphatically for you never know when a psychotic creature (I will forgive in a minute, don’t worry) will change everything. Love you. Hugs! ❤ 

God Rewards

When we stay close to the Lord, He stays close to us. When we have humble souls before Him (giving Him the proper respect as God) and worship and obey Him, let me tell you He blesses. He doesn’t control other people (that whole free will thing) so we will always have troubles until heaven, but He promises to stay with us and reward our efforts for Him and love and support us all the while. God always keeps His promises, and one very cool thing about Him is that for every command in the Bible, He also right after gives one promise/blessing that corresponds. Every one. I dare you to look. And He is truth so is good on His word!! You cannot count on people- any person will and can let you down or break a promise. But God never lies, changes His mind, breaks His promises, falls asleep on the job, fails you, is unfaithful or untrue to His word. Ever. You can rest with peace and joy in God and know your energy is well placed and perfectly poised. You can never go wrong with God. He is probably the only One you can ever say that about. If God is asleep only you have, God is all you need. That is so true. ❤❤❤

The Mowing Hour

It being very very hot today, my mowing hour has changed to now. I usually wait until my coffee is finished but I believe I will melt n if I wait that long. Yesterday at church, I filled in on keyboards for worship and was blessed by it. I love leading worship. It makes me happy to worship with other family that loves my precious Savior! So I will merrily mow now remembering sweet collective worship and fellowship yesterday. Churches are not perfect by any stretch but I am sure thankful to have one and bye a part of love and worship of God with others. That is precious. And so will the bath be after mowing. Lol Here goes. Have a beautiful day! 🙂