Been balanced lately and doing quite well. And don’t worry, I am at peace and in joy and love with God. Today, however, under stress of heat, too much sun, too much work in both, cleaning mom’s house, walking her dog, kids misbahaving, not enough sleep, doubling up my morning walk, this momma hit a near crazy today. God helped me when I asked, just wished I had asked earlier and not done so much, but such is life. I am forgiven. The thing is, I realized this one thing is still plaguing me. I blogged about it a bit ago and thought I had fully kicked it to the curb but I am stubborn sometimes when I should not be. It is great sometimes but is a powerful tool that can be used for good or evil. So, when stress is high and crazy is looming, seems like that is when old haunts return to further stir the pot and double confusion. I don’t think that is a coincidence. Not for one second. See, our enemy wants us dead. Plays a great, alluring make believe, elaborate game with us, but lying scum the entire time, scum that throws you away like garbage as soon as possible and leaves you for dead. Pretends to love and dishes out a hate dessert. This is why I (and we all) need to get enough rest and stay healthy (physically and spiritually) to keep our guard up and be ready when too much comes our way, which it is bound to. I am going to bed now after a long talk with God and be more ready next time. This life thing is a series of attacks and adjustments all and long the path. I am so thankful we have God and each other for help and support. Be the light! Love you! ❤
We are renovating all the time now. My husband saved up all his working days and now that he retired, we are able to finally repair and change and breathe new life into old, falling apart things. We have a butler’s pantry now, with like 2 things left to do with it. We have plumbing which works now everywhere. We have a new fence and two new gates on either side of the house. We have an opressive tree limb cut down from the neighbor’s neglected tree that was starting to kill our trees so the front yard is a sunnier, healthier spot now. We have a sidewalk formed and ready for concrete. And we have a new screened in and roofed back porch coming where a naked concrete slab now stands. It is a lot of work, haven’t been to the pool in a while. But there is a fresh spirit in this old house’s bones. And this has done the world of good to our love of being in this house. We really love it. We will live it more once the hottub is installed lol, but it is great for morale of our family. It is a happier place. It is fun to build something new or better together and get use of it. And I praise God for it all! He is the giver of new life and He brought light back to this darkness and life to these dry bones. I am so thankful to God!!!
My son-in-law (a funny story, he is older than I am lol) and father of my only grandchild (also funny because she is 3 years younger than my daughter) is Polish, with dual citizenship. Long before I knew him, I had visited Poland, specifically Bielsk Padlowski, for two weeks and Belarus for one week. And I was thinking about the land and buildings but mostly the amazingly wonderful people. We sang our songs (I played the piano and keyboard there) and they sang and played songs they knew and it was wonderful! We were invited to a Polish wedding that lasted all day and into the night and I sang again by request and we ate great food, drank compote and partied with them. It was memorable, saying something with this poor memory I have lol. In Russia, I remember the older women and their wise but loving eyes, hardened by wear but bright and gleaming nonetheless. They had a love of life. I remember the sturdy children, making the most of every stick and mud puddle they could get into, smiling, strong and healthy. I remember the year before spending two weeks in London. Howe couldn’t visit Buckingham Palace because Queen Elizabeth was home there at the time. I remember the beautiful gardens and pride the people took in their tiny gardens in front of their flats (apartments) or tall, narrow townhouses. I remember paying to use the toilet and the worst toilet paper of my life. Funny the things you remember. But the garden in front of the palace, oh how beautiful! And then my mind goes to California and recording my songs in Mike’s studio. I remember the fantastic park in Glendale and hiking the trails. I remember my regular getaway in Yosemite and hiking the falls and staying at the bed and breakfast there. I remember Solvang. Wow. The mountains were beautiful and Burbank was lovely and Sunset Boulevard was trashy but the tiny studio and musicians there are top notch! I remember going to the Grand Canyon three times and how it took my breath away and looked different each time. I remember my exhaustion hiking to the bottom of the canyon and back up the same day on two of those visits. I do not recommend that lol. I remember skydiving in PA. No roller coaster has ever held the same thrill since. And to my eternal shame, I will always have on the DVD my screaming “This is better than sex!” Oy! I remember every other place I have traveled for a day, a weekend, or have lived, and it is very clear that I am who I am largely because of where I have been. Another obvious thing, God has always kept me safe and provided for me just what I needed just when I needed it. And my thoughts most often take me home to the little farm in Buchanan, MI where I grew up. It was the best place! It still is. My family is there and a huge chunk of my heart. The farm is gone but I remember every detail. I remember Grandma living up the hill to the right and Great Aunt Irene living on the hill to the left. I remember our dogs. I remember riding my bike to the ball field. I remember the smell of the lilac bushes outside the kitchen window. I remember fresh vegetables from the garden an dad’s grilling and homemade ice cream. Yummy! I temember.
God made me ambitious. He made me with a lot of gifts because He knew I would have more than the usual difficulties and problems in life, knew it would take me a long time of hard knocks to get through this hard, prideful, stubborn head of mine. He gave me the tools I would need but only recently have I gotten the message, after severe bouts of incredible heart losses and resulting depression. It took all that, sorry to say but happy now, to get it and know what to do with the gifts He has given me. My meaning in it all is Jesus. All my gifts are to use for Him and His people for His glory. Jesus is my meaning. All that was not to allow me to thrive and win and get and compete and fight better, it was all spiritual, all for me to be broken enough to realize those gifts/talents/abilities were for Jesus and to get me closer to Him. He loves us so much He died and rose for us. That is enormous. And He is God so He did not deserve it. He died to rise so we can live to eternity with Him. Jesus is my why. What a beautiful epiphany.
When we walk with God, and if our faith deepens to the point of putting our lives in His capable hands, He directs our paths. And like walking in the dark from step to step on flat towers with huge chasms beneath, God gives light and direction to our steps and we realize that following Him who is so full of grace, love and knowledge is actually never walking through the unknown for He knows everything and guides us. So it is never a matter of unknown but not enough faith. And as our faith and relationship with God grows, our need to know lessons and we become the culmination of what we should be, children.
In the last year, I have gone through such a radical journey in my mind, it is difficult to remember who I was before this force-fed maturity. Lol I was this free-spirited, laughter – loving, self-sufficient woman with a firmly decisive view on life and how to live it. Having been through a series of losses and illness and caretaking and deaths, I careened into a cycle of falling apart and humbling myself, something no doubt long overdue in my life, but with more tears thrown in there than I have ever cried before in the entirety of my life. I was broken. I was damaged. I was lost for a bit. It was ugly because I felt truly alone inside, even with my living kids and husband who rallied to love me and a few amazing friends of new and old. And I tell you not for one minute did God ever give up on me or refuse to comfort every breakdown in tears. And I gradually started to get it. I started to see how this smart doctor really needed this series of events to appreciate simplicity and know God better and be humbled enough to grow as a woman into a deeper love of God. I am on Twitter and blog and cannot help but share God with everyone. He is so good. I know and understand this first hand. He resaved this little girl. I am nothing without His love and loving grace interference. I am so thankful that He rescued me from the mire of self-pity and depression I was falling into and restored His gift of laughter to me and seconded that gift with a new superpower: empathy. It is a heavy gift but a beautiful one because I am so much more connected with people around me and before I was always so weird and a bit, well, aloof, when it came to emotions. I saw them as weakness and now I see they have purpose and strength when utilized to help and comfort and release. There is and new me in here and most of this journey quite frankly occurred in my mind. I believe our journeys occur in our minds and hearts primarily and our physical manifestation is a long time coming, an ordeal of many years of internal devotion. This is why it is so important to keep our minds focused on Jesus Christ and His Word. This is why I often put scripture on Twitter and my blogs. This is why I read it and load up on Truth and teach my kids. We have to worship God with our minds and hearts before we can ever expect to serve Him and mankind with our lives. Our actions result from the ambitions and meanderings and obsessions of our minds and hearts. From this, we act. And God sees and looks at the heart and mind. He knows us better than anyone, having lovingly designed us and all, and He will judge our motivations first and foremost and actions second. It is impertinent we keep a clean house of our mind and heart. This journey is first of the mind. We must think and feel God and Truth and Light and keep feeding on these healthy things. This journey may be hard and arduous but if we use the right tools of God’s Word, prayer, humility, self-control, it will seem shorter, easier, more peaceful and joyful. ❤
A quote tribute to Lion King, or something like that. I had trouble, so many often have trouble letting go of something holding you back, whether someone’s negative statement in your head or an old flame or a past temptation or a desire to go back to simpler times or a grasp on people who have passed. There is something in most people’s life that is present but has past a while ago. And these things are generally comfort zones for us or good excuses to be lazy or not try harder or not enjoy life now because you would dishonor this or that person or memory. These things, good or bad things, need to go behind us on our journey. They, again good or bad, are an extra burden to carry on your present journey of life, with life as a hiking trip to heaven. I love Pilgrim’s Progress for that reason. It is true. There are so many things to stop us and deter us from our quest, good and bad. And here we are carrying this extra baggage. It is heavy. God gives us every day what we need for the journey for that day and that barrage of trials. The extra weight needs to be unloaded. How do we do that? There is an obvious emotional attachment to these things/people. There is a heart connection or we would not still have it now right? Well, God is our loving Heavenly Father as well as the most powerful being in the universe, and when we humbly ask Him to help us and mean it for the purpose of God being more important than what we are clinging to (the Bible calls them idols), God answers that sincere prayer. How do I know? Because He did it for me. And I am just a little girl. If He can do it for me, He can do it for you. Then keep praying every day not to pick it back up again. God and you have this!!!