When we walk with God, and if our faith deepens to the point of putting our lives in His capable hands, He directs our paths. And like walking in the dark from step to step on flat towers with huge chasms beneath, God gives light and direction to our steps and we realize that following Him who is so full of grace, love and knowledge is actually never walking through the unknown for He knows everything and guides us. So it is never a matter of unknown but not enough faith. And as our faith and relationship with God grows, our need to know lessons and we become the culmination of what we should be, children.
In the last year, I have gone through such a radical journey in my mind, it is difficult to remember who I was before this force-fed maturity. Lol I was this free-spirited, laughter – loving, self-sufficient woman with a firmly decisive view on life and how to live it. Having been through a series of losses and illness and caretaking and deaths, I careened into a cycle of falling apart and humbling myself, something no doubt long overdue in my life, but with more tears thrown in there than I have ever cried before in the entirety of my life. I was broken. I was damaged. I was lost for a bit. It was ugly because I felt truly alone inside, even with my living kids and husband who rallied to love me and a few amazing friends of new and old. And I tell you not for one minute did God ever give up on me or refuse to comfort every breakdown in tears. And I gradually started to get it. I started to see how this smart doctor really needed this series of events to appreciate simplicity and know God better and be humbled enough to grow as a woman into a deeper love of God. I am on Twitter and blog and cannot help but share God with everyone. He is so good. I know and understand this first hand. He resaved this little girl. I am nothing without His love and loving grace interference. I am so thankful that He rescued me from the mire of self-pity and depression I was falling into and restored His gift of laughter to me and seconded that gift with a new superpower: empathy. It is a heavy gift but a beautiful one because I am so much more connected with people around me and before I was always so weird and a bit, well, aloof, when it came to emotions. I saw them as weakness and now I see they have purpose and strength when utilized to help and comfort and release. There is and new me in here and most of this journey quite frankly occurred in my mind. I believe our journeys occur in our minds and hearts primarily and our physical manifestation is a long time coming, an ordeal of many years of internal devotion. This is why it is so important to keep our minds focused on Jesus Christ and His Word. This is why I often put scripture on Twitter and my blogs. This is why I read it and load up on Truth and teach my kids. We have to worship God with our minds and hearts before we can ever expect to serve Him and mankind with our lives. Our actions result from the ambitions and meanderings and obsessions of our minds and hearts. From this, we act. And God sees and looks at the heart and mind. He knows us better than anyone, having lovingly designed us and all, and He will judge our motivations first and foremost and actions second. It is impertinent we keep a clean house of our mind and heart. This journey is first of the mind. We must think and feel God and Truth and Light and keep feeding on these healthy things. This journey may be hard and arduous but if we use the right tools of God’s Word, prayer, humility, self-control, it will seem shorter, easier, more peaceful and joyful. ❤
A quote tribute to Lion King, or something like that. I had trouble, so many often have trouble letting go of something holding you back, whether someone’s negative statement in your head or an old flame or a past temptation or a desire to go back to simpler times or a grasp on people who have passed. There is something in most people’s life that is present but has past a while ago. And these things are generally comfort zones for us or good excuses to be lazy or not try harder or not enjoy life now because you would dishonor this or that person or memory. These things, good or bad things, need to go behind us on our journey. They, again good or bad, are an extra burden to carry on your present journey of life, with life as a hiking trip to heaven. I love Pilgrim’s Progress for that reason. It is true. There are so many things to stop us and deter us from our quest, good and bad. And here we are carrying this extra baggage. It is heavy. God gives us every day what we need for the journey for that day and that barrage of trials. The extra weight needs to be unloaded. How do we do that? There is an obvious emotional attachment to these things/people. There is a heart connection or we would not still have it now right? Well, God is our loving Heavenly Father as well as the most powerful being in the universe, and when we humbly ask Him to help us and mean it for the purpose of God being more important than what we are clinging to (the Bible calls them idols), God answers that sincere prayer. How do I know? Because He did it for me. And I am just a little girl. If He can do it for me, He can do it for you. Then keep praying every day not to pick it back up again. God and you have this!!!
The truth is I am not good at losing people. I used to be great at it, many many moves ago, living in so many places, you are still friends far away but it is all good. Some people are great at losing people, shake it off and you wonder if they care deeply for anyone they are so flippant or nonchallant. A lot of people when dumped just say “Oh well, his loss” and move on. I am made of deeper running waters. I am not sure if it is the musician or artist in me or the Spirit of God who loves everybody or just how I am cut with few friends I let in my inner circle. But losing people affects me deeply. I will have good days, productive laughter filled days. And at night I am a sobbing mess just wondering how to fill such a chasm they left and justifying my leaving the chasm unfilled as a memorial somehow or I am dishonor in them. And the truth is that Christians are supposed to not mourn so long and moms are not supposed to take some time to care for themselves just keep going, and you wonder why no one tells the truth about such things. Why bottle it in? Am I the only one? And I know God is healing and restoring me, I am at peace and joy is coming back but the process is two steps forward and then one or two back and you wonder if this is still the journey or you are caught in some dance. And I pray yet again and God comforts me yet again. And maybe the depth of the heart and love therein is proportional to how much you had needed to be loved by the person you lost. And maybe the fullness of sorrow is not overcome by the fullness of missing the absent person but by a blood curdling scream at the injustice and injury and sickness and evil of the current world and releasing the desire to be loved by someone other than the deepest love of God. Maybe releasing what we long for and think we need is the key to opening up the door for God to walk in deeper with His perfect love and fill us permanently. Maybe.
There are dear friends of mine who have walked away from my life, either in a move or a crisis or when they have followed into toxic controlling relationships or when they walked away from God and I reminded them too much of Him or whatever reason. And there are those who walk away for a bit and then walk back in. These people I love. And there are a very few that never walk away from you, die hard friends, closest friends and family. These people are my breath. I depend on these roots to temper my wild spirit and lean on more than water. So to these people, I love you dearly and am so blessed by God to have you in my life and do not ever hesitate to call me for anything in the world you need. I will get it done for you. I have great faith and no fear and have been called crazy a few dozen times and am strong as an ox and love you. So trust me when I say, I got your back. Whether you are my closest friends or family or freedoms in our Constitution in this great country of ours, I got you. I will help and defend you. To the first group, those who walked away, I still love you and am right here with open arms. My heart is big and has plenty of room and I forgive most readily, in fact already have. Love you all. Life is a journey, let’s walk together through it. 🙂
Life is fully available until we die. Think about that. Every second holds as much potential for action, encouragement, meaning, love, joy, peace, power, faithfulness, creativity, goodness, gentleness, magnificence as every second before it and every one after. The enemy’s greatest too lately (other than our pride) is distraction. If you can get someone to use up their seconds focusing on something unimportant or disconnected from reality or bad or slanderous or ugly or rebellious or fraudulent, that is that much less of the good stuff you can accomplish. Think about it. As I tell my kids, “God gave you a good brain. Use it.” You start to think that you don’t want to waste your potential for good on distraction of evil. It would be a waste of a life and we are not dead yet. That will come in due time. For now, we have a chance to carry good into eternity or be distracted and waste that chance. I choose to live. I choose to serve and further good and growth and mother whatever children cross my path and love whoever is put in my journey. I choose life forever. With God, this happens. He digs us choosing Him. I would rather be valuable for Him than useless for me now and happen save nothing to show for it later. I am not dead yet. I refuse to act like it. Been there, done that. It does not satisfy for long. I will live my potential.
I haven’t spoken as much about grief lately because I know my Daddy would want me to live my life to the fullest possible and for God. But that does not mean I have forgotten him. Not in the least. I see grief as a long walk in the cold. At first, there is the shock of the cold air, the disturbance, the cause of grief. Then you shiver and are uncomfortable as you keep walking and have a lot of trouble focusing, then eventually you get used to the cold and your coat warms you. Now and then you get a blast of cold air that makes you uncomfortable again but you are quicker to think and recover for a bit. This is the process. First is initial shock, then deep feelings of loss and pain followed by a getting back to life but with wafts of pain and discomfort. Mostly life is livable or good again but there are moments of deeper remembrance and contemplation of loss. So, if you are going through this process, keep going and pray and it is okay if it takes a while. It just does. We are not robots. And if you know me or someone else going through this roller coaster journey, know that it is okay, pray, please be patient. It will get better with time and prayer. God comforts those who mourn and He has me helped most, because I humbly asked Him to. Keep moving forward. Tears and all, pray and keep moving forward. Love you!