There are moments sometimes where day just stops for a minute and becomes very very dark. You all of a sudden feel very very alone. You feel like everything good in life was removed from the planet. And then the next moment day returns and you feel like there is a chance for happiness. These emotions take on a life of their own and decide to play some psycho volleyball game of pain and peace back and forth. Missing someone is like that. Someone you thought you would always have at your reach, suddenly made to be out of reach. Suddenly missing from your life when you were able to share every moment possible before, now unable to share those moments, unable to talk through the day, unable to hold onto. Still in your heart deeply and still deeply felt with every thought. The moments of loss come and shadow. Then moments of the rest of life come in and give glimpses of peace and hope. Back and forth. Back and forth. This is how life is when you miss someone you love. Life is different. It changes you. The lack of contact with someone you love changes you. Not being able to share your day’s events and thoughts changes you. You still love them but you miss them. So, working on what to do with so much loss at once, there is only one hope. The hope is that God gives you more good memories than the bad missing thoughts, that good would overcome evil, that it already has. Hope is that because I am a child of God that He would surround me with peace and joy and get my attention slowly off the sadness and into His peace, that His gentle whisper would drown out the screaming sadness, that love prevails and destroys the sadness, that joys of life from Him gain more importance than my own momentarily dark thoughts. Feeling deeply is not for the faint of heart. It hurts.
There is nothing in the world that brings you back to right thinking than a wonderful hike away from society. It brings God back into His rightful place as Maker of all of this. It clears your mind of nonsense and distraction. It exercises your body while refreshing your mind. It is real in a world of uncertainty. It make the important evident a d the unimportant all but disappear. Hiking is like magic! And it is completely tech free! (Except the phone I was using as my camera, of course.) And if you hike long enough, like we did today, you will be suddenly struck that the priorities of life at home may be paying the bills, food, getting along well with others, love, but in reality and in nature, never take drinking water for granted. That is really really important! 🙂 Also to note, being in a beautiful area of hiking, you walk around feeling so special, that God made all this knowing that you would be walking through it enjoying it at that precise time. So cool! And breathing is better, even after climbs up and down and lots of exertion with an adorable little 5 year old to help. You don’t breathe in fumes and air conditioning, you breathe actual fresh air. And so far, that is the only way to get it. Fresh air as yet has not been bottled and sold at the store, although I am certain I just gave someone an entrepreneurial idea. You are welcome. So, commercial over, go get a hike in with someone you love or just yourself you love and enjoy life just a little more! 🙂
You can tell a lot about a person by seeing how they handle sickness. You can tell a lot by how they care for the sick too. But those are distinctive. People can be graceful and loving when others are sick but bears when sick themselves. So their response to their own sickness shows their true colors. And not just a common cold but a full fledged viral flu attack. If they want to be alone and sleep and suffer in silence, they are maybe not convinced that other people are helpful or necessary or trustworthy to help. If they want you to wait on them hand and foot, they probably milk it just a little and want to be comforted and coddled back into health. If they bark at everyone, they tend to be more selfish and controlling because not being in control of their health is irritating them. And if they go to the doctor first they are more proactive and protective of themselves. Of course I may be wrong, as I have more experience with my patients of the last 12 years being confronted with diminished hearing not health. But the premise is there and personal observation. And it makes me think of what my being sick makes me like and what I can see of myself in my illness, which I happen to have right now. It is not severe, obviously or I would be sleeping right now if severe enough and certainly would not be writing, but it is an illness nonetheless. But when I am sick (unless very severe), I work anyway and make sure my husband and kids have what they need. I work through it, as taught me by my father. So, what does that say? Weird to think about your response to illness as showings great deal about your character or personality. But it does give glimpses you can see no other way.
When you have lived in as many diverse places and states as I have, you inevitably are forced to leave behind people you love. When you are going and in constant motion and working, so on, you don’t realize the significance of that so much. When you get a bit older and are settled in your location and aren’t quite as busy with life (in the constant movement sort of way), you start to think deeply of those friends and family still lovingly where you left them. And you start to feel a bit selfish about moving away to bigger opportunities or what not and not staying. That is mixed with knowing that moving at that time was what I believed to be the right thing for the right reasons. So, there is that. And there is the precious people I love who made it to heaven before me. Heaven is blessed to have you, precious Grandma treasure and my beautiful twin brother. I am missing you, so much that my heart skips sometimes in longing for one more conversation with you, one more hug, one more look into your eyes. Then there is missing those you love that are close by but not readily accessible because they are busy with their lives and families and loving contact often has to be secondary to real life and commitments. And that causes deep sadness and loneliness when we can’t be together when we want, which is often with the truest friends. But at the same time, you know you are fulfilling commitments made and that is rewarded. So, for all my friends and family that I dearly love and long to spend time with, I appreciate being a part of your heart. I genuinely miss you. I wish we could be together so much more! I would cook for you all. 🙂 I remember all the time why you are an important person in my heart and I love you. 🙂 My door is always open and coffee is readily made.
Difficult decisions seem to run in bunches, which is ironic because it makes difficult decisions more difficult. I firmly believe that, as a wise friend counselled me, that sometimes you should wait it out. There is a strong temptation to act quickly, make hasty decisions, generally that feel the best at that moment and then pickup the pieces later. But unless it is a vital matter, sometimes waiting brings clarity and peace. If you feel like you are pushing a decision or being pushed, the decision may not be God’s will for you. If you want to involve God in your plans, which is highly recommended, you need to give Him space to direct your heart and mind and plans and timing. Rash decisions are generally badly done, even if they are the right decisions. God knows what is best and how best to get you to it and we must give Him time to work. We are in such a hurry, aren’t we? Sometimes we need to just rest our plans in God’s hands and trust that He knows what He is doing and what is best for us. Because He does. He really really does. And He knows also what is best for everyone else involved in the decisions, because no decision is ever made in a vacuum. Something perfect for you may be hard for the kids. Something easy for you may drive your fish crazy. That sort of thing. God loves other people too and knows what we all need and want and gives us those things in His perfect timing. I now understand and accept my wise friend’s counsel. It is hard when we want to drive to move over to the passenger’s seat and let God drive. He doesn’t even need a map. He designed and built the road! He also designed and built the vehicle. And you.