Missing People

I understand that missing people is selfish. I get that. I also get that grieving is a process of letting go of that person’s present influence in your life and needs to complete its journey before it lets you go. My daddy has been in heaven two years now and I still miss him and still grieve. And my two friends died at the same time, one from this world and one rejected me and left my life completely. Three losses at once and one was my precious daddy. Also, I had some bad decisions still on my conscience and had discovered a porn addiction in my husband so felt very alone and isolated and ugly. And I got very depressed for about a year and a half and have since been healed by Jesus. So when I say that God heals, I know this to be true personally. It starts with a hope that it doesn’t always have to be like that, that it can change. Then that hope fans into exploration, what can be done? Then for me it was a search for truth in the Bible, then prayer and then a relationship with God through Jesus. Then He healed me. And He strengthened me so much I can fast once a week and look forward to it to grow closer to Him. And He helped me lose 48 pounds (just 2 pounds from my goal) and have tons of energy to serve and work and make music.

So have a little hope and then do something to search out truth, only found in God. He can heal you like He healed me. He healed me from everything, even things from my past I did not realize were still hurting me. God is so loving and beautiful and really loves you and me and wants us healthy and happy. He really does. Feed that little hope and read some precious truth from the Bible and pray. Healing is just after that, yours for the asking and a little internal effort. Worth it.❤

When you Get Nothing Good Back

Now, herein lies the bent of being beaten down. We tend to focus on the beating. We tend to get despondent and morose, maybe even melancholy or depressed. We see the problem, the thorn in our side, the evil of the situation and we often succumb to the ugliness of it.

I offer a solution. Focus on God. He is the positive, the light of life. We can’t sit and stew in the dark when we could turn the light on and have joy and peace in any situation. God is that source of goodness. And He is enough. He is the only One. And often, the only supportive encouragement on earth comes from Him.❤

God Is in Charge

When I feel alone, God is still in charge.

When I feel utterly unloved, God is still in charge.

When my body has pain, God is still in charge.

When nothing goes right, God is still in charge.

When I want to run away, God is still in charge.

When life is very complicated, God is still in charge.

When I don’t understand what is going on, God is still in charge.

When I feel insignificant, God is still in charge.

And God is loving and capable and loves me very much. I am in good hands with God being in charge and I am blessed beyond measure just to understand He is my Heavenly Father. I can face everything because I never face it alone. God is with me, loving me who He made. God is everything. I have everything I need and God is incredible and beautiful! ❤ ❤ ❤

Well Over a Year Apart

I still miss my Daddy. Don’t get me wrong, I am celebrating that he is whole and happy and in charge of the choir or farming in heaven or something he loves. I know he is happy and carefree now and full of life and basking in the rewards he accumulated doing great things on this earth. No doubt in my mind at all. But in this shell, I still miss him. I am depressed no more, God healed me of that, but I still get very quiet now and again. He always had my back. He was one of a very few. He loved me unconditionally. I was his little girl and still am. So, I have taken on his oxe-like strength and greater humbleness and asked God to retain these reminders of him and it has been granted. I also sing better now and I think that was also a gift passed down, a blessing. I remember his eyes dancing every time I walked in the room and his enormous smile. God is my Daddy now and I am content most days and only when I am weak is it not enough. That is dumb though, because God loves me perfectly. I guess that imperfect love that is real is ok to miss sometimes too, though. It is ok. I am ok with still missing him. But I know I will see him, probably sooner than later, the way the world is pushing things along. I am ready. Be ready too.❤

Year Long Struggle with Depression

I did not have time to mention this yesterday. I have struggled this past year with depression. My daddy died of dementia, a good friend died in a car accident and a very good friend married a monster and abandoned us all. And I took these things to heart, three different kind of losses at once- two deaths (my loved daddy and my friend) and a betrayal of a loved friend/band brother. Before all this happened at once, I thought myself pretty strong, an independent woman who can do anything. And wham! I was instantly transformed into this little wimpy girl. I never had struggled with depression, being more inclined to laugh everything off than cry. In fact, I rarely ever have cried in my life until this three banger event happened. And let me tell you a secret. I am very thankful for having gone through this humbling. How can I say this? Can anyone enjoy going through the greatest pain imaginable? I am honored that God chose to humble me and save me and draw me close instead of give up on me and abandon me like so many had. It was a process of a year of torture, sadness, crying, mourning, loneliness, deprivation, withdrawal from everyone, trouble concentrating, lethargy, inability to laugh like I used to. I kept up a good front often but was dying inside. And it took that to wake my stubborn prideful butt up to be humble and prayerful and teachable and realize God not only did not throw me away but He was nurturing me back to health the whole while, never giving up on me. A special thank you to whoever was praying for me. And thanks to God for holding me when noone else would. And I would have pushed anyone else away then anyway but God is so tender and loving and faithful to hold me when I cry. And Sunday, the year of depression lifted from my shoulders and I felt a release. And tears poured again but these were not tears of sadness but of joy. And today, I laughed with my daughter as I have not done for too long. And I realize my greatest strength is that in my great weakness, Jesus is greatly more powerful than I am capable of. And that is true strength. I heard a quote that “you will meet your greatest ally and greatest enemy and in the end you will thank them both” or something like that. I am so incredibly thankful!!!! God is definitely my hero and loves me and I love Him with my little self. ❤❤❤