I am married to a very good man. All good men and women are humans so none of us is perfect. I screw up all the time, despite my best efforts. And so does he. And while some people hold people to an impossible perfection expectation, I have no bent toward that particular sin and accept him as he is, with hope that he accepts me as I am too, “warts and all”, as the Brittish put it. And I believe sincerely that God can bond and unite two imperfect people and create from them someone better and more able to serve Him and others, and that common goal helps unify. It further helps that we are bonded by music. I believe all marrieds should have something in common to do together. And may God bless us all. ❤
I love Bob Marley’s songs, for the most part, love reggae too. It is happy music. Even sad lyrics sound happy to a reggae beat, ever notice that? It breathes life into an old idea. And I love his song No Woman, No Cry. It reminds me that a real man cares for his woman. Very few people seem settled within themselves to be content with one person for a long time. And with everyone their own God or at the minimum selfish and prideful, it is only the morally upright and others-orientated and God fearing/serving that stand a chance. Compromises must be made by both parties. Many of my friends and I in times past have cried at the insensitivity and selfishness of her spouse. I am sure that is visa versa also I hear lesson that. And it is sad when two grown up people can’t be big enough to drop the pride down and lift their spouse up. It is sad. But there is hope because God is still on the throne. And God will sometime relatively soon come on back and we will not cry again. It is a beautiful thought.
When friends are no longer in your life, you necessarily cling to those who are left who still care about you and love you. They are more appreciated. Although a big fat zero of us are perfect, and some are downright hateful at times, we share a bond, a step in the same direction along the journey, sometimes tighter with children. Through trials and bad choices and ugliness and missteps, we walk together through the clumsy and make our way together to the smooth sand beach where there is lime in the coconuts and hammocks to rest. The way may be wrought with threatening things we each might bring on the journey: bad experiences, bad habits, really stupid choices, addictions to other fake 2D women, unforgiveness of the past carried over, awkwardness, defensiveness, passwords unshared to foster mistrust by protecting secrets, many awful very real things that threaten to stop the journey together that marriage is. These are very real threats so many face, everyone I know about, actually. There is heartache every day sometimes and blue skies other times. Reality is so much harder than the Brady Bunch and much much more complicated. That is, until both travelers let down their pride and ego and work on the marriage, really pour into it. Love despite the return level. Love to the fullest degree. Really try to understand their spouse and harmonize with their song instead of insisting on a different song all the time. If both spouses actually take God’s advice and submit to each other, what a difference our journeys would look. When spouses obey God together and stop gratifying and fulfilling themselves separately and selfishly, apart from their spouse, you see harmony in the home, balance, trust, hope, and the fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control). Imagine such a home where secrets cease to happen and bonding takes over, taking strides together on the journey in this happy way, celebrating each other. Both spouses must be on board for such an experiment in harmony. But how magnificent such an relationship would be! Perhaps I am a dreamer, perhaps two imperfect people can not drop their pride enough to care that much. But I choose to believe there is hope in every union God puts together. And I find hope and comfort in God’s design rather than man’s. When God is invited in, He will take the wheel and all good breaks loose. He is the glue.
I have been hurt, seriously hurt in life. I think we all have in some way or another. I am convinced within myself that many of our differences are there as a result of how we handle these hurts and not so much about our personalities during good times. That is easy. Everyone can be good when it is all easy and light and happy. But when crushed in spirit, dealt a painful blow, the kind that changes so many people, we can see what people believe. I can see what I believe. If I believe that God truly is in control, I can truly do anything and allow God to heal me and take the pain away one day at a time, one thought at a time. If I believe I can handle it all myself because of my pride, I can get very different. I can put on a mask I invented that looks a lot like stereotypical “normal” (whatever the heck that is) or “cool” or “popular” and can look amazing but all the while be hiding from the pain, the emotions that push us down and keep growth or intimacy at bay. I have done this. I think we all have in automatic man mode. The One who can heal us so we can put the masks down is God. Other than that, we are all a society of mask-laden people fighting hard to keep on the mask, focusing more and more on ourselves and what is needed to keep the mask on. Somehow the pain and energy of keeping up with the mask seems less of a burden than the pain that is involved with healing. It becomes very selfish. Not letting someone see the real you because you don’t want to risk the pain. This is referring to results of pain, not personality types. Some people just innately build a shell of protection and gradually warm up to let people in. These beautiful people I love are cut that way. I am referring to those who are wounded by a past relationship, parent, rape, death, accident, unfaithfulness, addictions, whatever the case may be and instead of honestly dealing with their pain, they become almost obsessed with covering it up with this false mask or presentation of one’s self. The problem is if two people marry, masks can come between them, prevent honesty and subsequently intimacy. People cannot read minds. Sometimes we have to dare to trust the other person enough to give honesty a shot, have some daring conversations and see what happens. You might be surprised in a great way and be able to salvage a relationship and grow and heal together. Or, even better, you breakdown your pride and fears and allow God to heal you and love you as only He can and start leaving your fears in His hands and putting your mask away one prayer at a time. Then conversations between people can happen that deepen and grow the relationship. And I want that for you. God wants that for you. I want you to allow God to heal your heart and help you be able to have some conversations about what you need from your spouse/friend to continue healing and deepening the relationship. This is a step towards joy and peace in commitment and maybe the rest of life. The key is God with a healthy dose of courage and conversation. Very very difficult stuff but worth the effort. And even if it doesn’t work out and you are hurt again, you will know you had tried and feel greater satisfaction in that, you will have grown by testing your faith and courage, and God will help heal you again. He is so good like that. Food for thought.
Call me old fashioned (and I freely admit that I am so it won’t hurt a bit) but in my world, wives are supposed to support their husbands, provided they are not abusive or against God. Likewise a man should be supportive of his wife, out of love and honor. But neither should abuse that privilege and start making demands for their own selfish gratification. I would never pull my husband away from something he loves, even if I don’t necessarily love it too. I find some way to support his love for it and cheerlead and encourage no selfishly demand he stop because I am not interested in that. In marriage you lose the right to be a selfish narcissist. And a man you are supposed to love needs your support and not threats or manipulations. It happens a lot. Girlfriends of mine want my sympathy because they aren’t getting their way all the time. And I cannot give it. When your husband is treating you well and loving you and providing for you, you want more? You want everything your little heart desires, like you are still 5? Pout, pitch a fit like a spoiled child? Nuh uh. Doesn’t fly with me. Rather ticks me off, as you might be able to tell. I have been treated badly and treated well, and when your husband is doing what he should, you should reward him, support him, love on him, care for him. Who the heck do you think he has in his corner? You! God put you together for a reason. You help him, he helps you. We are surprised men aren’t acting like men? You treat them like children and not the man God gave you to care for you. Really? We need to get our priorities in check. Support your man. Stand by him. He will appreciate it and be an even better man! You win in the long run for a little effort you put out now. Efforts of a good wife are never unrewarded by a good husband. One way to be happy. Getting what you want never causes long term happiness but giving what you want back (respect, honor, love) always does.