Made to Feel

I used to get angry at myself for showing my feelings. It always seemed to be frowned upon. I was always a very emotional girl but no one would ever know it. I was led to believe crying is for babies and emotional outbursts were for the out of control and thus a crime. I stifled. I wondered why we had feelings if we could never express them. Then I thought maybe they were for marriage, to pour into your mate for life. And then I had no feelings left after a very short amount of time and did not know where to go from there. Upon remarrying, my husband quiets and limits my emotion and feelings also so again I am quelled. Why does God give us emotions if we have to stifle them all the time? There must be a reason because He never makes mistakes and I am not questioning Him, just me. Am I so different? Is this my biggest reason I am weird?  Even worshipping, people want quiet reverence when I want to scream and dance that my Savior lives and loves us and is coming soon!!! There seems a strange conundrum here. Perhaps it is because we are made for something more… some greater freedom. Maybe heaven will be loud and fun. Maybe we are given feelings to motivate us to act. Maybe evil screwed that all up too and we will be free when it is laid to rest soon. For whatever reason, I will continue to ride it out and try my very best to minimize my emotions and discount my feelings. I warn you, though, I am gaining ground with self-control (why one person that attacked my family is still unharmed and will remain so- I forgive her) but I am caring less and less what others think of my worshipping the Lord corporately. I care what God thinks. Everyone else, not so much anymore. I obey God, not them.❤

A Striking Disconnect

Between feelings and thoughts there is often a striking disconnect. God is healing my broken heart and my thoughts remind me how many blessings I have and how amazing God is and that my family loves me and some some adopted family loves me and my kids are healthy and happy. And I am very thankful. Then my heart chimes in telling me what loss I feel and how empty I am without the man that loved and raised me in my life and how sad I am that a few beloved friends had to die and/or move and way or abandon me and it still hurts. So my feelings remind me of lessons recently learned and the torturous processes gone through to get to the lesson and my mind is telling me to focus on the lesson and live in the now, trust God with the rest. And as a whole, I know my mind is right in this tug of war and more in line with truth. Yes, the pain was intense and very very real but the lesson was learned and it is time to move forward. But I believe this tug of war is what makes “complete” healing a farce because this emotional component to us remains, and I may listen a million times to my mind tell me to let go of the past pain and poor decisions and that it is forgiven and behind me and just live and be here now (amazing advice, seemingly) but there will always be a once in a while feeling completely wash over me that I am now without these valuable people I loved dearly and it hurts to live without them when I loved living with them. Here is the rub. And I don’t believe there is a true resolution to this disconnect except for acceptance that is how it is and continuing the journey. I believe when Jesus comes, such things will resolve themselves. Until that time, it is how it is and I must do the best I can with the truth of God’s Word, prayer and continuation of the journey. It is tats the best solution. Love to you on your journey!

Romance vs Loyalty

The thing is romance can only be sustained in those versed in it and willing to maintain it. And romance looks very different after a few years because deeper things have been shared than a roll in the sheets. Children and a family have been made. Vacations have been shared. House and cars have broken down and needed fixing together, finances have been high and low, pets have been experienced, death of loved ones has happened. I have friends who have divorced because romance is gone so they don’t feel the infatuation anymore and Hollywood had them expecting that for life if it is “real love”. Infatuation phase is short lived, very short lived if the other person is not romantic in nature. And some people are not. But there is something incredibly romantic about a man who has seen you at your worst and stayed with you, a man who saw you fall on your face and stayed with you, a man who knew you had as much weird extra energy as wisdom so stoked and stayed with you, a man who saw your incredible success in home and business arenas and stayed with you. Loyalty is romantic. It requires a lot more effort than just some flowers and a mariachi band. It requires time and dedication to the marriage, selflessness and cooperation, pitching in when one is sick and running to the store for 7up. There is a comfort not hearing how beautiful you are but showing a beauty that is real by proving it and staying forever. And what I am saying is that one person’s idea of Romance does not have to be dictated by anyone else’s experience or what movies tell us they should be but what could be the most to you. God says stay together and you do and that is romantic. There are billions of other women and here you stay with me year after year and that is romantic because it proves I am special and you have good taste. Lol Feelings are certainly not everything. In fact, they matter less than your ideals and moral standards in the long run. Feelings are to get you into the relationship and beliefs and God hold you there in it. That is incredibly romantic.

Anger at Injustice

I was raised by angry people (at the time) not to get angry or at least show it. Of course, I grew up with quite a bit of depressed anger. I felt guilty about being a angry (or many other feelings). Expressing your feeling other than happiness was bad. No crying, no acting angry, no showing feelings other than joking and laughter or what I put into my piano. That was OK. So what would happen is that I became very expressive in my piano. People would be amazed at my gift for being able to play with such depth or feeling at such a young age when it was really just my only outlet for feeling anything other than happiness. I thing it is having a dad so much older than my mom and a mom who had many issues too. They did the very best they could most of the time and were very good at other things and no one growing up knew of these deficiencies. Nonetheless, I grew up internally rich with emotions bottled up exponentially over the years, kept storing them away for some undisclosed time period or when a bully needed to be taught a lesson. But I was expressively emotionally very poor. Had no idea what to do with it all, get confused about my feelings, being taught that reasoning was what I needed. And it got me through many things, but I to this day grow astonishingly angry at bullies and politicians and injustices such as abuse and deadbeat dads and manipulative women and selfish, lazy men and unfair treatment of veterans and abuse of people working honestly to fund those sponges taking advantage. I sincerely wish to harm these people, restore order, show respect, bring back dignity. I am for what is right. I am for God and His will written out in the Bible. And I believe that is a healthy anger, despite my upbringing. I believe things need to be done the right way but I think we need to do things about these injustices instead of just shaking our heads and saying we will pray about it. Actually praying fervently is the most impactful and important thing we can do but actually doing something is important to. What action that is depends on the situation but when I see a man up in a woman’s face, can I in a clear conscience walk away? When I see a man manipulated away from seeing his children by some controlling deranged manipulative abusive stepmom, do I in clear conscience walk away and go about my day? When I see an illegal alien with a house and food and a veteran who fought for me ho eless on the street, am I OK with that? She politicians spend our hard earned money on their own raises while we are scraping by, is this not worth talking about and defending? What happened to America, my land of amazing freedom lovers who can now sit by and watch them rip our country to shreds? Are we not still full of the blood of those who defended their rights from tyrrany so long ago? Why did they? So we can sit on our behinds and allow tyrrany to control our lives now? No, so we would still have freedom. Freedom to be a bully? Not on my watch. I am angry at the injustice. I am feeling like I want other people responsibly angry as well. That would indicate a conscience, a moral code, a reason for our forefathers to fight so hard and sacrificially for us now.