Feelings vs Truth

I cannot go by feelings.

I must go by Truth.

Feelings change so often.

As Truth does never do.❤


Made to Feel

I used to get angry at myself for showing my feelings. It always seemed to be frowned upon. I was always a very emotional girl but no one would ever know it. I was led to believe crying is for babies and emotional outbursts were for the out of control and thus a crime. I stifled. I wondered why we had feelings if we could never express them. Then I thought maybe they were for marriage, to pour into your mate for life. And then I had no feelings left after a very short amount of time and did not know where to go from there. Upon remarrying, my husband quiets and limits my emotion and feelings also so again I am quelled. Why does God give us emotions if we have to stifle them all the time? There must be a reason because He never makes mistakes and I am not questioning Him, just me. Am I so different? Is this my biggest reason I am weird?  Even worshipping, people want quiet reverence when I want to scream and dance that my Savior lives and loves us and is coming soon!!! There seems a strange conundrum here. Perhaps it is because we are made for something more… some greater freedom. Maybe heaven will be loud and fun. Maybe we are given feelings to motivate us to act. Maybe evil screwed that all up too and we will be free when it is laid to rest soon. For whatever reason, I will continue to ride it out and try my very best to minimize my emotions and discount my feelings. I warn you, though, I am gaining ground with self-control (why one person that attacked my family is still unharmed and will remain so- I forgive her) but I am caring less and less what others think of my worshipping the Lord corporately. I care what God thinks. Everyone else, not so much anymore. I obey God, not them.❤

A Striking Disconnect

Between feelings and thoughts there is often a striking disconnect. God is healing my broken heart and my thoughts remind me how many blessings I have and how amazing God is and that my family loves me and some some adopted family loves me and my kids are healthy and happy. And I am very thankful. Then my heart chimes in telling me what loss I feel and how empty I am without the man that loved and raised me in my life and how sad I am that a few beloved friends had to die and/or move and way or abandon me and it still hurts. So my feelings remind me of lessons recently learned and the torturous processes gone through to get to the lesson and my mind is telling me to focus on the lesson and live in the now, trust God with the rest. And as a whole, I know my mind is right in this tug of war and more in line with truth. Yes, the pain was intense and very very real but the lesson was learned and it is time to move forward. But I believe this tug of war is what makes “complete” healing a farce because this emotional component to us remains, and I may listen a million times to my mind tell me to let go of the past pain and poor decisions and that it is forgiven and behind me and just live and be here now (amazing advice, seemingly) but there will always be a once in a while feeling completely wash over me that I am now without these valuable people I loved dearly and it hurts to live without them when I loved living with them. Here is the rub. And I don’t believe there is a true resolution to this disconnect except for acceptance that is how it is and continuing the journey. I believe when Jesus comes, such things will resolve themselves. Until that time, it is how it is and I must do the best I can with the truth of God’s Word, prayer and continuation of the journey. It is tats the best solution. Love to you on your journey!

Romance vs Loyalty

The thing is romance can only be sustained in those versed in it and willing to maintain it. And romance looks very different after a few years because deeper things have been shared than a roll in the sheets. Children and a family have been made. Vacations have been shared. House and cars have broken down and needed fixing together, finances have been high and low, pets have been experienced, death of loved ones has happened. I have friends who have divorced because romance is gone so they don’t feel the infatuation anymore and Hollywood had them expecting that for life if it is “real love”. Infatuation phase is short lived, very short lived if the other person is not romantic in nature. And some people are not. But there is something incredibly romantic about a man who has seen you at your worst and stayed with you, a man who saw you fall on your face and stayed with you, a man who knew you had as much weird extra energy as wisdom so stoked and stayed with you, a man who saw your incredible success in home and business arenas and stayed with you. Loyalty is romantic. It requires a lot more effort than just some flowers and a mariachi band. It requires time and dedication to the marriage, selflessness and cooperation, pitching in when one is sick and running to the store for 7up. There is a comfort not hearing how beautiful you are but showing a beauty that is real by proving it and staying forever. And what I am saying is that one person’s idea of Romance does not have to be dictated by anyone else’s experience or what movies tell us they should be but what could be the most to you. God says stay together and you do and that is romantic. There are billions of other women and here you stay with me year after year and that is romantic because it proves I am special and you have good taste. Lol Feelings are certainly not everything. In fact, they matter less than your ideals and moral standards in the long run. Feelings are to get you into the relationship and beliefs and God hold you there in it. That is incredibly romantic.

Anger at Injustice

I was raised by angry people (at the time) not to get angry or at least show it. Of course, I grew up with quite a bit of depressed anger. I felt guilty about being a angry (or many other feelings). Expressing your feeling other than happiness was bad. No crying, no acting angry, no showing feelings other than joking and laughter or what I put into my piano. That was OK. So what would happen is that I became very expressive in my piano. People would be amazed at my gift for being able to play with such depth or feeling at such a young age when it was really just my only outlet for feeling anything other than happiness. I thing it is having a dad so much older than my mom and a mom who had many issues too. They did the very best they could most of the time and were very good at other things and no one growing up knew of these deficiencies. Nonetheless, I grew up internally rich with emotions bottled up exponentially over the years, kept storing them away for some undisclosed time period or when a bully needed to be taught a lesson. But I was expressively emotionally very poor. Had no idea what to do with it all, get confused about my feelings, being taught that reasoning was what I needed. And it got me through many things, but I to this day grow astonishingly angry at bullies and politicians and injustices such as abuse and deadbeat dads and manipulative women and selfish, lazy men and unfair treatment of veterans and abuse of people working honestly to fund those sponges taking advantage. I sincerely wish to harm these people, restore order, show respect, bring back dignity. I am for what is right. I am for God and His will written out in the Bible. And I believe that is a healthy anger, despite my upbringing. I believe things need to be done the right way but I think we need to do things about these injustices instead of just shaking our heads and saying we will pray about it. Actually praying fervently is the most impactful and important thing we can do but actually doing something is important to. What action that is depends on the situation but when I see a man up in a woman’s face, can I in a clear conscience walk away? When I see a man manipulated away from seeing his children by some controlling deranged manipulative abusive stepmom, do I in clear conscience walk away and go about my day? When I see an illegal alien with a house and food and a veteran who fought for me ho eless on the street, am I OK with that? She politicians spend our hard earned money on their own raises while we are scraping by, is this not worth talking about and defending? What happened to America, my land of amazing freedom lovers who can now sit by and watch them rip our country to shreds? Are we not still full of the blood of those who defended their rights from tyrrany so long ago? Why did they? So we can sit on our behinds and allow tyrrany to control our lives now? No, so we would still have freedom. Freedom to be a bully? Not on my watch. I am angry at the injustice. I am feeling like I want other people responsibly angry as well. That would indicate a conscience, a moral code, a reason for our forefathers to fight so hard and sacrificially for us now.

On Feeling Too Much

There is certainly no loss for things to work up our emotions about. There is an enormous amount of pain all around us that cannot help but come into our lives in time. We can protect ourselves to some degree by isolation, walls put up- literal and figurative-,  self-medication for some, bad relationships for others, narcissism for some and meditation and Bible reading for others (by far the most successful). But in time everyone is presented with a very poignant opportunity to break down and cry like a baby. And I have to admit that I have done a great deal of that lately. I am as close as I have ever come to a bout of depression. And I am mentioning it now as an apology for not understanding the crippling effect of it before in some of my dear friends. To feel so much, to feel everything around you, the weight of your own battles, the weight of your family and friends’ struggles, to feel loss, to grieve, to feel close to God but distant from Him simultaneously, to feel the weight of bad choices, past failures, broken families- my own and everyone else’s.  I feel it all. I am generally strong and God graced me with an enormous capacity to hold up and help under such stresses, but even I in all my strength am not strong enough to hold up under the enormous weight of all that I am feeling.  It is the ugliest thing in the world to let fly the tears to let off the pressure and steam from the valve and immediately have it built up enough pressure to do it again. It is demoralizing, the pain feels like a giant is sitting on your heart. You long for understanding, love, you get criticism instead and limitations. You do not get what you want or need and it feels farther from your grasp than you thought anything could be. It is a very lonely, very isolated feeling and I do not like it at all. Why bother? What is the point? It drains you from who you are to a pathetic someone generally tucked away deep within you that quietly hold the pain you give her. So, to my friends who suffer from this debilitating hindrance to happiness and calm, I give you my love and understanding and permission to cry and permission to call me at any hour of the night because I am usually up lately and I get you, I feel you, I know how it feels, I understand, I love you. God built each of us with these emotions, with the capacity for extreme joy and deliniating pain. When we draw close to Him, He helps. It is not taken away, but you get a calm for a little bit. What pulled me out some was in serving. That is the last thing you want to do when you are feeling forsaken by the world and all those you hold so dear. To serve when you are not served is rough, it is difficult, it takes energy you don’t always feel you have, time, resources. But it is worth it to hear a thank you. Sometimes you have to force yourself to serve to hear one positive word that will keep you going. And then I swear it gets a little easier. Not every day, but maybe one more day out of seven, then maybe two the next week and on it goes. But however long it takes, keep trying, never give up. We are God’s and He is on our side. We can call to Him for strength and it is a conversation that is never in vain. It may be the only conversation for a long time that is productive and meaningful.

Explorations on Sadness

Many things have happened in my life and my response is generally optimistic and hopeful, figuring out what to do, getting things done, charging ahead, always full throttle. My pulse has slowed of late and there is a different drum beat to dance to. I have this new thing in my life called sadness. I am not sure if it is from my daddy’s downward spiral with dementia, fading away or family life and changes or something I ate or some new hormones taking over my body, but I am not liking this new talent I have to cry at the drop of a hat. Never been a cryer really. However of late, I am some sort of master at it. I am changed in this regard. It is foreign territory to me. I, who can always find the funny, search out the stupid, love the enjoyable, invent it good am now in the position where I see the hurt in people’s eyes. I see their pain they are hiding behind the laugh. I feel their sorrow in their encouragement. And I experience it with them. And it hurts. Of course, my eyes are very clean these days, which is a plus. They probably needed that. However, they are  clean now so this can stop anytime. An additional side effect is a stronger desire to hold my children, hug them, laugh with them, really focus on them. So maybe even sadness can have its productive uses. Nonetheless, I am understanding more the crippling pain a lot of my friends contend with of depression. It would probably be very much like what I have been going through only stuck there longer term, emotions just doing their thing and you’re left to figure it all out or be a victim of it. I’ve no intention of being stuck here because I feel there would be this hopelessness that would seep in and steal away joy and peace. So, here is what I will try. And I will see it if helps. I will focus on the hope. The great hope of God and heaven and so on AND little hopes of happy days in the sun, cool drinks, warm friends and will drive, even if the terrain has changed. It is still my boat and I will own it and make use of it. Have to.