Focusing on the Life Giver

Even if everything is wrong with your life right now (which is always a negatively – skewed exaggeration), love the Life Giver and focus on Him. There is always something beautiful from Him in your life if you are focused on Him. For instance, my husband and teenage son are at odds a lot and angry a lot, my daughter is having trouble with obedience and honesty and a tad of laziness, I have to do a lot for my mom because of her poor choices, I now have added regular responsibility, my weight loss has stalled at only 2 pounds to go, I have a lot of responsibility on me as per usual, I am feeling a heavy weight from so many burdens around me, I am often neglected despite all this, I have no money to do things or get shopping for Christmas, I am missing my loved ones no longer here, so much weighing me down right now. I could focus on these things and get seriously depressed. That would be easy to fall into. I don’t though. I refuse. Instead, I do something else.

I focus on God, the Life Giver. I focus on my residence in heaven. I focus on the great goodness of God. Then, it becomes much easier to see how many blessings I have. Yes, the negative things are all still here, but I now get to play piano at a new church my friends attend and lead worship for. I get to teach my children school. I am healthy enough to work hard and keep up with everything without pain or exhaustion. I have a mom still alive close by. I have a husband and home and children and fish. We have air conditioning and a minivan that is lasting a long time. These are all blessings.

The thing is… sometimes you can only see the good stuff after you put your remaining energy on God. He gives life and is the light source. Focus on Him is the decision. It is always my best decision.❤❤❤

Missing People

I understand that missing people is selfish. I get that. I also get that grieving is a process of letting go of that person’s present influence in your life and needs to complete its journey before it lets you go. My daddy has been in heaven two years now and I still miss him and still grieve. And my two friends died at the same time, one from this world and one rejected me and left my life completely. Three losses at once and one was my precious daddy. Also, I had some bad decisions still on my conscience and had discovered a porn addiction in my husband so felt very alone and isolated and ugly. And I got very depressed for about a year and a half and have since been healed by Jesus. So when I say that God heals, I know this to be true personally. It starts with a hope that it doesn’t always have to be like that, that it can change. Then that hope fans into exploration, what can be done? Then for me it was a search for truth in the Bible, then prayer and then a relationship with God through Jesus. Then He healed me. And He strengthened me so much I can fast once a week and look forward to it to grow closer to Him. And He helped me lose 48 pounds (just 2 pounds from my goal) and have tons of energy to serve and work and make music.

So have a little hope and then do something to search out truth, only found in God. He can heal you like He healed me. He healed me from everything, even things from my past I did not realize were still hurting me. God is so loving and beautiful and really loves you and me and wants us healthy and happy. He really does. Feed that little hope and read some precious truth from the Bible and pray. Healing is just after that, yours for the asking and a little internal effort. Worth it.❤

Well Over a Year Apart

I still miss my Daddy. Don’t get me wrong, I am celebrating that he is whole and happy and in charge of the choir or farming in heaven or something he loves. I know he is happy and carefree now and full of life and basking in the rewards he accumulated doing great things on this earth. No doubt in my mind at all. But in this shell, I still miss him. I am depressed no more, God healed me of that, but I still get very quiet now and again. He always had my back. He was one of a very few. He loved me unconditionally. I was his little girl and still am. So, I have taken on his oxe-like strength and greater humbleness and asked God to retain these reminders of him and it has been granted. I also sing better now and I think that was also a gift passed down, a blessing. I remember his eyes dancing every time I walked in the room and his enormous smile. God is my Daddy now and I am content most days and only when I am weak is it not enough. That is dumb though, because God loves me perfectly. I guess that imperfect love that is real is ok to miss sometimes too, though. It is ok. I am ok with still missing him. But I know I will see him, probably sooner than later, the way the world is pushing things along. I am ready. Be ready too.❤

Year Long Struggle with Depression

I did not have time to mention this yesterday. I have struggled this past year with depression. My daddy died of dementia, a good friend died in a car accident and a very good friend married a monster and abandoned us all. And I took these things to heart, three different kind of losses at once- two deaths (my loved daddy and my friend) and a betrayal of a loved friend/band brother. Before all this happened at once, I thought myself pretty strong, an independent woman who can do anything. And wham! I was instantly transformed into this little wimpy girl. I never had struggled with depression, being more inclined to laugh everything off than cry. In fact, I rarely ever have cried in my life until this three banger event happened. And let me tell you a secret. I am very thankful for having gone through this humbling. How can I say this? Can anyone enjoy going through the greatest pain imaginable? I am honored that God chose to humble me and save me and draw me close instead of give up on me and abandon me like so many had. It was a process of a year of torture, sadness, crying, mourning, loneliness, deprivation, withdrawal from everyone, trouble concentrating, lethargy, inability to laugh like I used to. I kept up a good front often but was dying inside. And it took that to wake my stubborn prideful butt up to be humble and prayerful and teachable and realize God not only did not throw me away but He was nurturing me back to health the whole while, never giving up on me. A special thank you to whoever was praying for me. And thanks to God for holding me when noone else would. And I would have pushed anyone else away then anyway but God is so tender and loving and faithful to hold me when I cry. And Sunday, the year of depression lifted from my shoulders and I felt a release. And tears poured again but these were not tears of sadness but of joy. And today, I laughed with my daughter as I have not done for too long. And I realize my greatest strength is that in my great weakness, Jesus is greatly more powerful than I am capable of. And that is true strength. I heard a quote that “you will meet your greatest ally and greatest enemy and in the end you will thank them both” or something like that. I am so incredibly thankful!!!! God is definitely my hero and loves me and I love Him with my little self. ❤❤❤

Fake it ‘Til You Make it

I heard that slogan and, not being a big slogan girl, rolled my eyeballs and thought it was stupid. Those who don’t know me, I am about as real as it gets. I don’t fake anything on purpose and on principle. To me, it resembles a lie too much, it is a lie. Faking sick to get out of school was a lie. Faking a funeral to get out of work is a lie. So on, so forth. I don’t fake anything. But when we are someone we know and they ask how we are, we say fine whether we are fine or not. I used to think that was a fake/lie, but it seems more like “hi” rather than a genuine question and answer nowadays, we are as as society so inundated with lies now. But I digress. But I saw recently a use for this annoying phrase, “Fake it ’til you make it”. While I still find it dumb and contrary to my plight for honesty in all things, a point can be made for a strategy in dealing with depression. I never suffered from depression miraculously until I lost three very important and beloved people at one time. Since then I still fight to smile rather than cry and laugh at all. I fight to want to be fun, and these things were my natural bent. I am a fun loving honest natural girl, loved by all until they see how weird I am. But I have not been myself. I miss them. And because my inner friendship and family love circle is so tiny (those few who get and love the weird musician/artist/honest thing), a huge part of my world was dropped from under me. And yes, God comforts those who mourn and yes, absolutely God strengthens and nd heals stronger. Definitely! There are just these human emotion things floating about screwing everything up and it seems difficult to shake off and be light and carefree again. Because I care and love so deeply. So to fake happy might actually be a tool until I am fully happy. My family is helping and my few friends and maybe just pretending to be happy is and good strategy to get into practice of n it again rather than practicing my sad constantly. Maybe that is one way to pull out of this funk and head for higher ground. The Bible does say to dwell on the good. Might work, I will keep you posted, as many I know suffer from some form of depression. Love you!

My Mental Status

People that actually love me were concerned about my mentality for a few minutes/months there when my world cam screeching to a hault. I had three people I loved to varying degrees die or die to me at a time. It was the deepest, darkest valley I have ever walked through, and I have been raped, had people die, moved across country alone, been homeless a little, had to walk to work many miles across town and so on. I felt this one hardest because it was incredibly deep meaningful people to me gone all of a sudden and a one that remained were attacking and criticizing me for having feelings about that. And for a while I must admit I was deeply depressed. That is saying something for a girl who had always fou d the best in things and who laughs for any reason at all or makes up a reason. I was shattered and broken, a real mess of a disaster. And I fell into a deep darkness. I had some people far away who loved me and my kids but I felt so very alone and crushed and hopeless. The bottom dropped out. And seriously, I adnm the nicest person I know. lol So, here the story gets good. I adnm this pathetic mess of a disaster and now I have a choice. Give up and stay depressed forever or allow the brokenness to lay me humbly before Jesus and ask Him to fix me. Do I didn’t ask because my words did not come. I cried for the billionth time and humbly looked up and said two words. Ready? “Jesus, help”. That was it. No one to hold, no one to see my tears, alone in my room and this is all I could muster. And you know what? It was enough. In two seconds, it felt like someone put arms around me and filled my heart with something better than what was there, I felt arms around me and I had to look again and make sure noone was there, it felt so real. I started healing right then and there. All of a sudden I felt like God’s little girl again. I felt life again. I laughed again. I mattered again. And the truth of it struck me immediately. Even if I am completely alone in this world, as long as I have Jesus, I am complete and rich beyond words. I truly need nothing but Him. So now I am stronger everyday and wiser. God is great.

Battle Relativity

I have found myself of late within a series of difficult events, fighting new battles within my mind. Throughout, I have navigated the rockiest of shores with a wide range of careful triumphant precision and something akin to trying to wrestle a live goose into a large pot of broth while blindfolded while crying like a chef who has just chopped no less than 100 raw onions. So, somewhere in the top!er coaster that has been me, I blew by my giftedness and focussed on, well, me. Disturbed by narcissists worldwide, I realized I was in very real danger of becoming one. So, what I can only call a revelation from God, just entered my mind. I have two things to use as tools in not becoming someone I hate or worse God cannot use. One is the biggest most powerful tool in the universe… the power and wisdom of the Holy Spirit, God Himself. Amazing! Grasping my problem with a firm grip and shaking it loose from me with a ferocity that rivals a lioness protecting her cubs is God protecting me when I ask. He is my powerful Heavenly Father after all. I am His and He is mine. Second tool is the gift of perspective of a sound mind naturally seeing the big picture. My innate zoom out camera in my mind. I had borrowed a friend’s attention to detail and fixated on the little nuggets that I generally, when true to self, would never have given the time of day. I had let go of who I was, the crazy, zany, wise one I was cut out to be who rises above the now and easily breathes in the big picture. I saw how tiny my own problems were compared to thousands being martyred and worse now, politicians as corrupt mob bosses of old, morality being plunged to negligible levels in the country I love the most, and so many other problems worldwide. My little issues are tiny specks compared to these things. Yes, they still matter to me. Of course, I love very very big and am passionately tender hearted so feel the recent losses in my life vehemently, but I cannot live there for there is much to be done. There are many hurting. If I live in my own hurt and get stuck there, who will be there to help others who are hurting? And who can help them best than someone who intimately understands and can empathize with their experiences? Oh how I would tie my own hands and God’s work through them if I gave in to sorrow and depression? What good would I be? Who would love these other hurting people? Whose hands would God use to heal them if not mine? And it hit me, I had given in to the temptation of selfishness and distraction and I refuse to give up my freedom to such petty things. So, here we are, arriving together at this momentous crossroad in my life. No doubt prayers uttered on my behalf brought it to fruition so I thank you dearly for them. And off we go, me with jobs to do, taking care of my family and home, serving others with my kids, visiting shutins and bringing them joy, being a part of the world again. No more protect and preserve mode. I have better things to do. I will save my tears for the onions.