When People Walk Out of Your Life

Let them go. It is not easy to say that when it is fresh. Sometimes it takes 8 months. Sometimes it takes years. Sometimes it takes considerably less. The point is to get there. In time you will see it for what it is. Maybe a release and celebration that that person you loved is in a better place. Sometimes they didn’t deserve your love and is in a worse place. There are a myriad of possibilities. But guess what? God knows everything and loves you dearly. Dearly. You are so precious to Him. And He comforts those who mourn and ask Him to. And the closer you draw to Him, the more truth He reveals to you and opens your eyes to His provision for you. And He knows it is best that they be gone from your life, for your sake or theirs or His. And let them go. If they walk out, for good reasons or bad, let them go. Give up perceived control over the situation or unreal expectation or lies or selfishness to want someone unhealthy or selfishly wanting to keep someone stuck on this earth rather than be in Heaven because of your grief. Give it up to God. Pray. Get into the Word, the Bible. Really wrap yourself up in Jesus’ arms. Hold to truth and memorize it. Let them go. I did, it took a while, but everything is as it should be. God is in charge. All is right. And I am healthier for it. God is so very good!! He knows what He is doing and loves you so very much. Lean on Him. I am here too. 🙂 ❤ 

The Truth Is

The truth is I am not good at losing people. I used to be great at it, many many moves ago, living in so many places, you are still friends far away but it is all good. Some people are great at losing people, shake it off and you wonder if they care deeply for anyone they are so flippant or nonchallant. A lot of people when dumped just say “Oh well, his loss” and move on. I am made of deeper running waters. I am not sure if it is the musician or artist in me or the Spirit of God who loves everybody or just how I am cut with few friends I let in my inner circle. But losing people affects me deeply. I will have good days, productive laughter filled days. And at night I am a sobbing mess just wondering how to fill such a chasm they left and justifying my leaving the chasm unfilled as a memorial somehow or I am dishonor in them. And the truth is that Christians are supposed to not mourn so long and moms are not supposed to take some time to care for themselves just keep going, and you wonder why no one tells the truth about such things. Why bottle it in? Am I the only one? And I know God is healing and restoring me, I am at peace and joy is coming back but the process is two steps forward and then one or two back and you wonder if this is still the journey or you are caught in some dance. And I pray yet again and God comforts me yet again. And maybe the depth of the heart and love therein is proportional to how much you had needed to be loved by the person you lost. And maybe the fullness of sorrow is not overcome by the fullness of missing the absent person but by a blood curdling scream at the injustice and injury and sickness and evil of the current world and releasing the desire to be loved by someone other than the deepest love of God. Maybe releasing what we long for and think we need is the key to opening up the door for God to walk in deeper with His perfect love and fill us permanently. Maybe.

Losing Grandpa to Heaven

As hard as it was to lose my Daddy four months ago, now my Grandpa (Edwin Metzler) has left this world and gone off to Heaven to join my Daddy and precious Grandma there. He was my last living on earth grandparent. And growing up, he was a missionaries kid in Africa and later in life a missionary to Arfrica with his wife and 3 girls. And when they retired from ministry to work and take care of their girls in the states, Grandpa was a math teacher for high school until he retired and then Derry college. What I remember best of gim, besides his relentless puns and incredible bass singing voice was his presence. He was rather aloof but I knew he loved us not because he said it much but because he was there. He and Daddy helped me move countless times. When we had programs or recitals, he was there with my Grandma. For every birthday party and holiday, he was there and we ate and played games most of the day. I remember he was always with us camping too and loved to swim. He didn’t say a lot that was serious, rather avoided seripus if he could, but when he did or when he was asked about the Bible or the Lord, he would stun you with his understanding and insights. He lived to 87 years of age and passed into Heaven a few hours ago. I am not mushy with tears like I was with daddy, but have shed some tears, but I feel the loss for sure, but I know that Heaven is now.being inundated with jokes and beautiful bass singing now and Daddy probably put him to work immediately in the choir and that makes me smile. At least I have Heaven to look forward to and being with Jesus most and my family. Many are there now along with my daughter. Looking forward to seeing them again when Jesus comes back for us. In the meanwhile, I will spend tomorrow afternoon with my mom remembering Grandpa and appreciating his spectacular life and ministry and jokes and presence. Thank God I had him in my life up til now!

Months into Grief

I haven’t spoken as much about grief lately because I know my Daddy would want me to live my life to the fullest possible and for God. But that does not mean I have forgotten him. Not in the least. I see grief as a long walk in the cold. At first, there is the shock of the cold air, the disturbance, the cause of grief. Then you shiver and are uncomfortable as you keep walking and have a lot of trouble focusing, then eventually you get used to the cold and your coat warms you. Now and then you get a blast of cold air that makes you uncomfortable again but you are quicker to think and recover for a bit. This is the process. First is initial shock, then deep feelings of loss and pain followed by a getting back to life but with wafts of pain and discomfort. Mostly life is livable or good again but there are moments of deeper remembrance and contemplation of loss. So, if you are going through this process, keep going and pray and it is okay if it takes a while. It just does. We are not robots. And if you know me or someone else going through this roller coaster journey, know that it is okay, pray, please be patient. It will get better with time and prayer. God comforts those who mourn and He has me helped most, because I humbly asked Him to. Keep moving forward. Tears and all, pray and keep moving forward. Love you! 

Without My Hero

I am broken. I do not have my hero anymore. I have God who has stepped in lovingly and taken over his role as protector and daddy, hero and friend. But that is spiritual and physical, I have found, matters more than my mind tells me it does. I miss “I Love You” and chocolates and a stuffed animal on Valentine’s Day like he used to get me. I get nothing now, just doesn’t matter to my husband. I miss presents from him at Christmas. I miss hugs all the time from him and smiles that I was appreciated. Those I get from my husband sometimes but it is not the same somehow without that tone of love daddy had in his voice and ever ready ability to make me feel that he would attack anything or one who would dare sadden me in any way. I am not sure how healthy that was but I assure you it always gave me great security and comfort. He was concrete. I am now awash in the tides. Sometimes I feel I am clinging onto God and my huaband so strongly that I have concrete again. Sometimes, especially when tired, I feel like they are both far from me and I am loose and vulnerable. That is how I feel today. I miss you, daddy. I miss your secure love. Hope you are having a wonderful time in heaven, though. That comforts me. So happy for you. Sorry I am feeling sorry for myself here today without you. I am sure after a good night’s sleep, and considering tomorrow is my birthday, I will snap out of it soon. Just the current battle of my mind right now.

Temporary Sorrows

When knee deep in sorrow and grief, it feels like that grief will last forever. It really does. Forever and ever. And it could be a temporary sorrow like being lied about or a deep tissue sorrow like being abandoned by someone who swore to love you forever or the loss of a dear family member. Whatever it is, the grief and sorrow held feels heavy and permanent. Feels like a punch in the gut you will never ever recover from. But the truth of it is quite different. In truth, God was not surprised by your horrible experience and was already formulating a healing path before it ever got here, knowing the nuances and is ready and waiting to love on you back to health. And God does not interfere and prevent these things and people blame Him for that. He could but He refuses to interfere with our gift of free choice and knows that our own growth and healing will produce wisdom and holiness in us. I am not the same person as I was before my Daddy’s death. I am not the same person as I was before my fiance threw me away for another inferior woman a while ago. I am not the same person as I was before my divorce. I am not the same person as I was when undergoing severe discrimination during my thesis and nearly being prevented from graduating. I am not the same person as I was before I was raped. I am not the same person as I was when my beloved precious dog died. All of things at the time were traumatic and hit me hard. But the person I am now is arguably the strongest and one of the wisest woman I have ever known or heard of because through every single thing, God healed me and made me stronger and wiser than I was before. And the grief I thought would kill or cripple me God used to heal and improve me and humble my heart and draw me closer to Him. Every crushing blow I am thankful for because God works more powerfully in our brokenness and heals us stronger than we were before. I have been through the worst and know hands down God is bigger than any of it and can take me through anything else with the same grace and beauty. I am internally more sensitive where I should be callous. The scars He forms on our hearts are miraculously more functional than our original skin! It is counterintuitive and contray to the physical. I am a doctor and my training tells me how scars are problematic, restrict function, add bulk, interfere with motion, interfere with function. But the scars on our heart from grieving that God provides when we humbly ask Him to are smoother, powerful, more stretchy, more functional, more healing, etc. than our original. There is only faith that explains this. It is not natural so it is supernatural and how God works. And this Great Physician is also our great Daddy and noone can love us more. When I missed my exfiance’s hugs, I prayed and I honestly felt my heart being hugged. Sounds strange but strange is my new normal because it happens so much in my life. When I cry out for my daddy, I talk to my God Daddy and He spreads calm and love and assurance and peace over me like a warm hug. So your sorrow is a tool and if you humbly pray to God for comfort and to show you love and truth from this, I swear to you He will show up. He is already there! And keep praying and read the Bible for the teuth and assurances and He will gradually lovingly form those superpower scars. Guaranteed! Love you!!

The Song of Missing

Daddy, I watched you go. You waited for me. I cared for you as you suffered, unable to care for yourself for two years. I helped keep you at ho e as long as possible, where you most wanted to be with your family. You came here. God sent you down because He knew you needed me to love you out. God knew my arms were the ones you needed around you to take care of you as the stroke and dementia took control of your life. Hardest decision of my life was when we finally had to put you in a nursing home. It felt like giving up but we could not do it all day and night every day and night anymore and my husband kids needed me too. I got lost for a while in the constancy, then I got lost in the feeling of giving up. I know it was the best choice as staff was always there and it was such a good place. But watching your mind go was so hard, Daddy, my Pilar of strength, my hero, my protector and Champion. I was your girl always and I miss you so much. Daddy, I know you are enjoying heaven and I am so happy you are whole and with Jesus. You have no frustration over being stuck in a bed. You are free and running. You no longer have the loss of your amazing singing voice. You are singing songs now better than anyone else up there. You are home in Heaven with Jesus. I sang you there and held you out. What a blessing you were to me all my life, Daddy. Thank you, God, for giving me the best Daddy in the world. I know Jesus is coming soon and I will see him when you decide it is time. I am so full of life and love and am as hopeful about life as full of tears streaming down my face. You are good, God. You were so good to me to give me as long as you did with the best Daddy in the world. Thank you.