The terrible triple death loss of my life, three very important deaths in a two month window, one of which was my daddy, happened two years ago. I was depressed and incapacitated the first year after. I know it was a natural part of grief but looking back, I was stuck for a while in deep selfishness and self-pity. It was contrary to my nature to be so. Or was it? Up to then, I have never really allowed myself to emote, except that brief window of loss and anger when my fiance cheated on me and broke up. That hit me hard but before and since, I have always been the rock for others and work, work, work. God has healed me enough to look back at two years ago objectively. And my husband’s brother’s recent passing brought the remembrance back.
I now realize I had left my Lord behind. I was self–involved, self-serving, and self-loathing. My children had a shell of a mother at that point and that is my deep pain I am making amends for now in reformulating my family and putting them first.
The biggest learning point from all that healed trauma and pain is that God’s place in me and my family is first. This means if it is not by the Bible, it is not home here. We operate as if Jesus is right here with us because He is. We worship Him together, talk often to and about Him, so on. Focusing on God has kept me humble, the most important and challenging thing to do always. Then focusing on my kids and husband and mom has reinforced my humble and service. I am dead last and that is exactly as it should be. That is my happy spot. Not because I think less of myself but because God made me such a valuable tool for His kingdom and I want Him to work through me to greatest affect. That only happens when I keep my humble up. Once pride wells up, strength drains. With humble, God fills in and my joy and peace are palpable. It is impressive and constant. I will not trade anything this world has to offer for this beautiful peace and joy God gives me. The healing is complete and sound. I am sorry my pride and will were so strong I had to go through so much to get it. I get it now, praise God. The more you release, the more He gives. Incredible God!😄❤❤❤
Lamentations 5:21. “Restore us to yourself, Lord, that we may return; renew our days as of old”
Why an entire book on weeping for consequences of a nation’s sin? Because weeping is a necessary step toward repentence and repentence restores our relationship with God. So before a nation that has been neglectful of their God can return to Him, they must first be sorry that they screwed up. Thus Lamentations exists to emphasize that very important point. It is a call to knees. A sorrowful acknowledgment of wrong. And even though it has this mournful purpose, wrought with years of devastation and misery, it has these beautiful pockets of hope in God, of restoration, of hope for the future. They are sandwiched in the weeping so are easily overlooked, but what a great example of the beauty of God and that sorrow may last for a night but joy comes in the morning. We all must mourn and be sorry so we can make it right and restore our relationship with God. Then, what a beautiful world we would live in!❤
I am stronger now because I can cry. There is immense power in the humbling defeat of just breaking down and letting the tears flow. Denying you have feelings is an ego thing, a pride thing. We have our feelings hurt deeply sometimes and rather than swallowing it and acting tough, if we let it out it proves we are human and shows we are humble. We are saying, “God, this is too much for me and my body can’t hold this pain in and I let it out for you to take. Please help me.” Maybe you don’t actually say those words but your spirit does when you weep and wail. That is why God comforts you. Ever wonder why you don’t keep crying forever? God comforts those who mourn. He hugs you and is with you. We have comfort. Any time humility is present and a request for help, God is there. And if you do keep crying forever, you are asking yourself or something or someone unrealistic for that help and only God can do it. Only God can heal wounds better than they were and mend broken hearts. I know this personally many times over. When you weep and fall to your knees in prayer, God steps in to your humble heart and heals stronger, so you end up at your strongest. We are strongest when we are least (being humble) and God is stronger in us.
I was brought up by extreme parents. My mom encouraged talking about emotions and was weepy sometimes and my Daddy was the tough guy who told me not to cry and only cried twice ever that I saw when his parents died. And I was always a daddy’s girl and a tough tomboy so crying wasn’t something I did. I just didn’t. It was feeling sorry for myself, it was weakness, didn’t change anything, etc. So, since my Daddy died and a good friend died and a close band family member completely abandoned us, and I am going through the change of life, I am all weepy and soft now quite often. There is an ok-ness to it though that I never had before. A commercial comes on and may not even be sad per se but my eyes will water up. Completely forget about a mushy drama. No way, I could not be trusted with that for a second. And it is OK. It is OK to cry and be sad for someone else’s pain, for yours, for injustice, for the effects of evil, for lost souls, for the homeless. The thing is crying and empathizing is OK, good even. Let it out. But the trick is after that to balance that emotion with action to help the situation. Sometimes crying with a person is what they need and is enough. But reach the lost, feed or shelter the homeless, give to the poor, do something. Allow your tears to motivate positive behavior. Use that bad boy. Tears are valuable, hence the pulled heartstrings on feed the children or humane society commercials, which I also cry for now. Oy. It’s all good though. And God always comforts the mourning or downhearted when we ask. Let it go, let it flow. And drink extra water to replenish. Lol 🙂