The terrible triple death loss of my life, three very important deaths in a two month window, one of which was my daddy, happened two years ago. I was depressed and incapacitated the first year after. I know it was a natural part of grief but looking back, I was stuck for a while in deep selfishness and self-pity. It was contrary to my nature to be so. Or was it? Up to then, I have never really allowed myself to emote, except that brief window of loss and anger when my fiance cheated on me and broke up. That hit me hard but before and since, I have always been the rock for others and work, work, work. God has healed me enough to look back at two years ago objectively. And my husband’s brother’s recent passing brought the remembrance back.
I now realize I had left my Lord behind. I was self–involved, self-serving, and self-loathing. My children had a shell of a mother at that point and that is my deep pain I am making amends for now in reformulating my family and putting them first.
The biggest learning point from all that healed trauma and pain is that God’s place in me and my family is first. This means if it is not by the Bible, it is not home here. We operate as if Jesus is right here with us because He is. We worship Him together, talk often to and about Him, so on. Focusing on God has kept me humble, the most important and challenging thing to do always. Then focusing on my kids and husband and mom has reinforced my humble and service. I am dead last and that is exactly as it should be. That is my happy spot. Not because I think less of myself but because God made me such a valuable tool for His kingdom and I want Him to work through me to greatest affect. That only happens when I keep my humble up. Once pride wells up, strength drains. With humble, God fills in and my joy and peace are palpable. It is impressive and constant. I will not trade anything this world has to offer for this beautiful peace and joy God gives me. The healing is complete and sound. I am sorry my pride and will were so strong I had to go through so much to get it. I get it now, praise God. The more you release, the more He gives. Incredible God!😄❤❤❤