Well Over a Year Apart

I still miss my Daddy. Don’t get me wrong, I am celebrating that he is whole and happy and in charge of the choir or farming in heaven or something he loves. I know he is happy and carefree now and full of life and basking in the rewards he accumulated doing great things on this earth. No doubt in my mind at all. But in this shell, I still miss him. I am depressed no more, God healed me of that, but I still get very quiet now and again. He always had my back. He was one of a very few. He loved me unconditionally. I was his little girl and still am. So, I have taken on his oxe-like strength and greater humbleness and asked God to retain these reminders of him and it has been granted. I also sing better now and I think that was also a gift passed down, a blessing. I remember his eyes dancing every time I walked in the room and his enormous smile. God is my Daddy now and I am content most days and only when I am weak is it not enough. That is dumb though, because God loves me perfectly. I guess that imperfect love that is real is ok to miss sometimes too, though. It is ok. I am ok with still missing him. But I know I will see him, probably sooner than later, the way the world is pushing things along. I am ready. Be ready too.❤

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When Death Comes Unexpectedly

To lose your husband unexpectedly has to be one of the hardest experiences of life. He was young, no more than 50. Not ill. Never had a sign of suffering or pain, just died overnight out of nowhere. Wake up next to a dead body instead of your husband. That is what happened this morning to my good, long time friend Susie. She had no idea that the “I love you. Sweet dreams” would have been the last time she said that ever. My heart throbs for her, tears flow. I am dropping my afternoon plans to be with her. I don’t know what to say but I know beyond all doubt that I need to keep her company and be there for and with her. So, I will cry with her, hold her, love her. And when things happen, changing your own plans is the Jesus thing to do. She has God’s peace but I need to be arms for her for Jesus.❤

To Miss Is Human

Sometimes we just miss people that once were a strong part of our lives and now and forever will be missing. To miss them is human. There is not much getting around that. We feel. God made us empathetic and feeling creatures, and our hearts sometimes are fuller than we can bear and it seeps out and rolls down our cheeks. We just miss them sometimes. The pain lessens with time and prayer but sometimes you just have to pull out the pictures and memories and just remember and cry one more time. And then on we go on our journey for we do not journey backwards but ahead. We miss people from our past but we must move forward and be in the now. Good news is that God comforts us when we mourn. And I can attest to that. There were times my tears were streaming from such a deep part of my soul, I thought my heart would just break right into and I would be dead. I really thought that it was so deep. But when I prayed my famous prayer “Help me! Hold me!” God put an arm around me. It felt so real I thought someone was there. And it felt like He wiped my tears off my cheeks. It really felt that way. And I understood the entire world and God’s pain and sadness at losing valuable people. I got it. I understood mourning is not for the weak but for all people at some point and God loves us so much He cannot bear to see us so heart-broken without comforting us. He is a good Daddy. And so I missed someone today but God is faithful to comfort and then remind me to keep doing what is right and moving forward, focused on the now. “Now is the most important time in the history of mankind.” I made that up just now but I bet someone already said it somewhere. Lol But each and every day, taken one at a time, is precious and valuable and the most important time of your life. The internal decisions you make right now will change every attitude here forward. And on we go, moving forward but focused on right now. Miss if you need to, and sometimes you do, but then let God dry your tears.and move forward, focused on the no wow with His help. You and He can do it!

The Truth Is

The truth is I am not good at losing people. I used to be great at it, many many moves ago, living in so many places, you are still friends far away but it is all good. Some people are great at losing people, shake it off and you wonder if they care deeply for anyone they are so flippant or nonchallant. A lot of people when dumped just say “Oh well, his loss” and move on. I am made of deeper running waters. I am not sure if it is the musician or artist in me or the Spirit of God who loves everybody or just how I am cut with few friends I let in my inner circle. But losing people affects me deeply. I will have good days, productive laughter filled days. And at night I am a sobbing mess just wondering how to fill such a chasm they left and justifying my leaving the chasm unfilled as a memorial somehow or I am dishonor in them. And the truth is that Christians are supposed to not mourn so long and moms are not supposed to take some time to care for themselves just keep going, and you wonder why no one tells the truth about such things. Why bottle it in? Am I the only one? And I know God is healing and restoring me, I am at peace and joy is coming back but the process is two steps forward and then one or two back and you wonder if this is still the journey or you are caught in some dance. And I pray yet again and God comforts me yet again. And maybe the depth of the heart and love therein is proportional to how much you had needed to be loved by the person you lost. And maybe the fullness of sorrow is not overcome by the fullness of missing the absent person but by a blood curdling scream at the injustice and injury and sickness and evil of the current world and releasing the desire to be loved by someone other than the deepest love of God. Maybe releasing what we long for and think we need is the key to opening up the door for God to walk in deeper with His perfect love and fill us permanently. Maybe.

Thoughts at 2am

Having just had a good, deep cry, I am now ready to try to sleep. I miss my Daddy. I am probably supposed to just be happy for him in heaven now, and I really truly am, and I suppose it is so selfish of me to miss him, but I guess I am a selfish soul. I want my Daddy. And here is the break of the heart. And when my eyes are wet and nose is running, I then feel a hug at my heart that it is still well with my soul. And I am comforted again by God, my sole comforter, and His comfort is enough. I am still loved unconditionally by someone, still am very special to someone, still matter, still am. God is the One. If God is all I have alone in this bed with mourning thoughts, He is all I need. If it were He and I only n in the world, I would have all I need. God is. And humbly I worship Him.

Stronger When Weeping

I am stronger now because I can cry. There is immense power in the humbling defeat of just breaking down and letting the tears flow. Denying you have feelings is an ego thing, a pride thing. We have our feelings hurt deeply sometimes and rather than swallowing it and acting tough, if we let it out it proves we are human and shows we are humble. We are saying, “God, this is too much for me and my body can’t hold this pain in and I let it out for you to take. Please help me.” Maybe you don’t actually say those words but your spirit does when you weep and wail. That is why God comforts you. Ever wonder why you don’t keep crying forever? God comforts those who mourn. He hugs you and is with you. We have comfort. Any time humility is present and a request for help, God is there. And if you do keep crying forever, you are asking yourself or something or someone unrealistic for that help and only God can do it. Only God can heal wounds better than they were and mend broken hearts. I know this personally many times over. When you weep and fall to your knees in prayer, God steps in to your humble heart and heals stronger, so you end up at your strongest. We are strongest when we are least (being humble) and God is stronger in us. 

When Passes the Night

As the end comes for those we grew up listening to, a part of us ends. That comfortable spot in our memory of a singer or band or their collective music or works of art in an artist in general, even paintings or sculptures or movies or good books, is now uncomfortable or saddened to some degree. I had friends that called to comfort me when Rich Mullins died. I am now comforting my husband because Lake (of Lake, Emerson and Palmer) died. It is of great meaning when one whose work we utilized in our psyche growing up become unable to be seen. Knowing they are still out there is somehow comfortable for us. So losing them from this world we are a part of is very sad and we should grieve these things. They are a part of who we are. So peace with you, Mr. Lake, and thank you for the beautiful music you made that stirred my husband’s soul and caused him to miss you. You will be missed truly. God rest your soul.