The Waiting

I remember being in a wedding. I was there early all dressed up, ready way before the bride and groom were. Then they were finally ready and we had to hurry up and wait again for the last minute people to get there. Then we waited for the late ones. And finally we stopped waiting. The waiting was over. 

Another time I remember a man I was deeply in love with and wanted and expected to marry. But he kept making me wait and wait to marry. Engaged but no date and stall and I realized I was waiting for the wrong man and I had to stop waiting and accept his decision to not love me back. The waiting was over.

Whatever else I have done in life where I had to wait eventually ended in and stop to the waiting. Things finally happened to change the and tats from waiting to happening. And here we are today with the longest waiting game of my life, waiting for the true in-love-deeply-with-Jesus church to be caught up and gotten out of this place. And we wait. And I see it, many have tired of waiting and have fallen asleep. Many have decided it is not real or really going to happen. Many don’t even care anymore because they filled their lives with more important or pressing distractions like tech, entertainment, desires and lusta, etc. And some of us still are eager and expectant. And our job is to do our job to the beat of our ability as working for the Lord in the worship of obedience and love God and everyone He puts in our path. So, let’s be awake and eagerly serving our Lord. And someday the waitinf will be over. Praise God!!!❤❤❤

Ready, Aim, Wait, Keep Waiting…

Seems like we have to be ready and prepared all the time and then are in wait mode much of our lives. Never big on patience, I realize as a Christian I should be because patience is one of the attributes of God (fruits of the Spirit). So, having been told that patience is not the having to wait but the attitude while waiting, I received some hope from that as it proves everyone has to wait. Prepared people have to wait, unprepared people have to wait. But when our turn up finally arrives, those prepared can actually do something while those unprepared generally have to first be sent away to prepare and have to stand in line again. And those who have fallen asleep miss their turn entirely. I see salvation this way. If we are prepared, when the time comes when Jesus comes back, we get to see Him. If we are not prepared, we will be in trouble and may not have time to get ourselves in order. And if we are sleeping, we miss our chance entirely. We have to be ready. We have to be alert. Being a Marine’s daughter (Semper Fi!), I was told stories about rifle work, sniper’s task, and the hardest part of it being to stay alert when in place and ready and aimed up. You have to wait, for the right time, the right opportunity, a clear shot. Not that the rapture will involve us shooting at a person, but the principle remains, focus is our hardest task. Patience is our goal, the waiting well. I want to wait well. I want people to say, “There is that crazy girl, always talking about God and Jesus coming back, always trying to serve”. Nothing would make me happier than to think I am waiting well for my Savior. We need to think this way. We must. There is eternity at stake. And if that sounds crazy, so be it. I am okay with crazy for the right reason. I care what God thinks about me not people. I answer to Him for eternity, I owe no one else an explanation. They have their own eternity to contemplate. Wait well with me. Keep focused with busy hands in service, kindness and gentleness to everyone we happen upon, love to everyone crossing our path. This is waiting well.

The Ugly Waiting

The hardest thing of my life, harder than failed relationships, harder than natural childbirth, harder than my miscarriage, harder than dealing long term with difficult people, harder than toxic people that force themselves into work or relational spheres, harder than the death of my beloved pets, harder than recovering from rape, harder than years of criticism, harder than all that. The hardest thing of my life has been hands down the ugly, long drawn out wasting away through dementia of my daddy. His body is still with me in bedridden wounded and lesser form, his words are hard to come by and labored, his mind comes and goes in dream or present states, he recognizes me but sometimes knows why and sometimes wonders why. The waiting is painful, like a torture for me, daddy’s girl. He has always been my rock, my hero, my strength, my constant supporter, unconditionally loving me, showing me that a man can indeed be faithful to a woman, my mom, against all odds, that a man can put much more emphasis on giving than getting, that eternal things matter much much more than temporal things, that strength of will and stealth of mind matter more than what people ever think anyone is or should be capable of, to fight for those things we hold dear, to believe this country is the absolute best country in the world. This man of such high moral value and such incredible strength of character and body is my daddy. The shell of him wasting away in the nursing home sometimes resembles this man and sometimes resembles a knife being thrust right into my heart. Pain was never so real to me that my whole body aches as what I feel with this waiting game. Visiting as much as I can for those moments where a conversation makes some sense, longing to share my world with him and knowing it is a shadow to him, somewhere in a haze. And it makes me wonder why God is waiting to take him home to heaven. Is there something else I need to do for him? Is there something he hasn’t worked out that I need to help with? Is his will stronger than his body is allowing and he doesn’t want to leave us unprotected? Questions stroll in to try to make sense in my mind of what is killing me to see. It is a mental torture to see someone you love so much in a trailing off, descending state. Physical torture would be easier to bear. That I could overcome with my mind. But this mental torture involves my mind which is too distracted to help much of the time. So I wait. I visit. I take the kids to visit. I sneak in his favorite treats. I love this man that reminds me of my daddy. I celebrate good days. I cry bad days, like today was. It hits me hard every time, a reminder of what is gone forever but still hanging on somewhere on the way out. I smile for people so they don’t worry about me. I laugh. I don’t want other people to hurt over my pain. But writing it here expresses it so it doesn’t keep eating me. Maybe someone else needs to cry. I will cry with you. I am crying with you. I am waiting ugly with you. You are not alone. I have to remember I am not alone. Feels like it though. God helps those who mourn. I attest to that. It’s true. So I am not alone. Neither are you.

The Waiting

I don’t remember asking God to teach me patience. I did that long ago and it was quite unpleasant. But I find myself nonetheless quite stuck in the middle of several waiting games of sorts. For a fast moving soul and mind, this is a very uncomfortable at times place to be. There is no action I can take to hasten any of these clocks. There is no cure, no instant fix, no way to change my circumstances, no solution I can work out except to wait. So I wait. And wait. And wait. And while I am waiting, my comfort level in the waiting decreases. I am quite uncomfortable. However, and this is vital, my waiting is purposeful and thus a very important task for me to perform to learn and grow. I accept this uncomfortable waiting in so many arenas because that is my present course of personal growth. I will continue to wait for God’s timing because He knows more than I do. When you push a rope, you get a whole lot of rope piled in a mess that isn’t useful to anyone. When you fight God’s (or anyone else’s) timing, you end up miserable in the long run. You may temporarily get what you want, but you lose the prize down the road. So, I choose to uncomfortably wait. I choose discomfort and growth in the now for the promise of better in the then. I believe this is wise. I believe it is the right course. I may fight now and again to still feel important and still matter and still be who I am in the waiting, but I will still wait. I may falter in nuances but not in substance. I may wish to feel better than I do at times in the wait but I will wait for that also. I may sometimes feel rejected, unappreciated, lost, abandoned, hurt, lonely, all these and more but I never walk alone. I am still God’s little girl. As such, waiting with Him is never without cause, without hope and without a deep level of peace way below my impatient spaces. I am beautiful and important, not because of me but because I was made by Him. I am important and worthy to be treated honorably and respectfully not because of me but because of Him. I am worth more than I am treated in the waiting because of Him. It is an understanding essential to survival through this dark wait. My mind roars on, my body pushes me relentlessly, my soul even longs for the waiting to be over but if God wills that I wait, I will to wait. My will and His Spirit will sustain me as I push through the wanting and waiting. And success will come someday. Waiting is not forever. It may seem like it but it is not. Or there would be no reason to wait. An end to the waiting is hope. I have to focus on that. I have nothing else and often no one else but God. And God is enough.

Spaghetti When you Want Surf and Turf

I love spaghetti, don’t get me wrong, but when your mouth is watering for a beautifully cooked steak and lobster, spaghetti disappoints. You walk into a restaurant eager for that long anticipated meal, could barely concentrate at work, didn’t eat much so you’d be ready for it and BAM, the waitress says they ran out. You can’t have it. Disappointment in life is like that. We want something really badly, want it with all your heart and deep into your soul and circumstances don’t let you have it. Heart breaking. I have a tendency toward impatience. In my maturing process, I am better than I’ve ever been, but that is not saying I am patient. I get lost in my constantly moving brain mixed with impatience and tend to not understand why I can’t have something immediately. If I am going to have it someday, why not now? See the problem? It negates the reality of inevitable change and surprise. You may get to the point you have saved up for and the thing is no longer available because someone else decided to keep it after all. There are things beyond your control, there are minds involved that can change, nothing is sure in this world apart from God. And here is the rub, in following Him, sometimes there are things He does not want you to have for whatever reason. The timing is not right for some hated reason or another. It is hideous but true. But there is always a reason. And. There is hope for the future. God never leaves us without hope. There may come a time when we can finally sink our teeth into our favorite meal and it will be so much better for the anticipation of it. It will be appreciated, taken in slowly and deliberately, it will be praised and enjoyed in a way nothing else could be. That moment would be worth every awful moment of pork and beans or hot dogs or spaghetti along the way, every let down of flavor and/or texture. When it finally co es, if it finally comes, that thing your heart has held worthy will give it a new singing voice. Until then, there is life to be sustained, health to look after, things to do, growth to be had. God knows our hearts but knows what needs to happen first and foremost. He loves and satisfies along all of life’s journey. It is all His idea.