The Friend who Abandons You

I am still reeling over the loss of a friend. This friend was close to me and I invested a lot of time and resources into the relationship. I find it difficult to still love a person who suddenly disowns you. I guess I do not understand that mentality because I am am faithful friend and friends are adopted family to me. Maybe some people only see others as what they can get out of them and never really see friends as I do. Maybe people think differently because of hurts in their lives or upbringing or false beliefs they accept to believe that blinds them to the truth. And maybe people just choose to be mean and selfish because they want to be. Regardless, it still hurts deeply and I again will choose to cling to the Lord for help and hope. He is my comfort and strength and the best friend I will ever have. God loves me so much and will never abandon me. Thank you, God!❤

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Helping the Sad

Sad people do not want to be helped by the happy with their smiles and well wishes and pat answers and 2 second hugs and no problems. Sad people need to be sad for a bit. When they are ready they can only be comforted and helped by someone broken or who has been broken. This is why Jesus is the great Physician, because no one was more broken at one time than He and He recovered from it but bears the scars. Also, those of us who have been broken can help the sad, the broken, and the worse our brokenness was the better. God heals us, then we help heal others. It is beautiful restoration now from ugly brokenness then. God is the hope and the why and how and every answer to every problem. Praise God! ❤

Feeling Blue

Today, as we had homeschool P.E. this morning and I coach and knew I in my old age would be exercising with young energetic kids for an hour and a half, used today as one of my 2 days off of walking 3.0-3.8 miles. The other is Sunday, so studying with kids keeps me focused on the Lord. But today, despite the celebration we put on for my daughter’s birthday, I fought feelings of blue. Why? And it just dawned on me as I put her to bed that I missed my intense alone time with God in the morning. I genuinely missed it. I missed Him. I wanted time with just Him. Time to just talk to and listen to Him, share life, worship, celebrate His creation, be strengthened, just be with Jesus and listen to His Holy Spirit. I was blue because I missed my Heavenly Daddy. So I am off to read His Words and talk to Him. May you do the same! Love you and wow, so does He!!❤❤❤

When Death Comes Unexpectedly

To lose your husband unexpectedly has to be one of the hardest experiences of life. He was young, no more than 50. Not ill. Never had a sign of suffering or pain, just died overnight out of nowhere. Wake up next to a dead body instead of your husband. That is what happened this morning to my good, long time friend Susie. She had no idea that the “I love you. Sweet dreams” would have been the last time she said that ever. My heart throbs for her, tears flow. I am dropping my afternoon plans to be with her. I don’t know what to say but I know beyond all doubt that I need to keep her company and be there for and with her. So, I will cry with her, hold her, love her. And when things happen, changing your own plans is the Jesus thing to do. She has God’s peace but I need to be arms for her for Jesus.❤

Keeping the Blues Away

The blues are determine to sneak in through cracks in mood, slight imbalances in hormones, moments of fatigue, bad decisions by friends and family, deaths, bad drivers, memories, what have you. There is a huge potential for despair or just the blues. Yes, everyone has the opportunity for sadness, even the funnest or funniest of them. How can we keep the blues away? Well, you just can’t entirely and if you lose the ability to feel sadness, you have missed the ability to be a feeling human or live in a dream world of lies where everything is ok and we are not surrounded by evil all around us. But one way to minimize the sadness is thr simplest thing in the world and yet the most difficult thing in the world. Humility. When we are humble, we lower our demands of life, our expectations, the perfection demands, the control issues, the deserving disease. Humble closeness to God is the most beautiful and empowering thing in the world. God also helps us. ❤

The Forgetting

So today, I visited my Daddy as is my custom for 2 years now, as that is how long they have lived here and that is how long he has been sick. I am so thankful that I have been able to care for my daddy in his home as long as he could be there now in his new home in the nursing home where he can get 24 hour care. But today, for the first time ever, I was met with blank, empty eyes that did not know who I was. Dementia is a horrible disease and I knew this was coming, seeing it in so many patients and understanding the clinical aspects of it, syptoms, knowledge, I know more about this hateful disease than most people do. But. All my head knowledge flew out the window when my hero of my life, my sweet Daddy, my champion and the only man on the planet who has not betrayed me in some way, this man did not know me, his baby. It is rare that my emotions get the better of me. But I can tell you I am a mess. To my closest loves, I rarely unleash my heart, it is difficult for me because I feel so strongly and most cannot handle that. But. Right now, if I don’t let this sadness out of my heart, I may break under its strength. All day around people, no matter where I went, people were, good people, some amazing people that help, my sisters, my best friend, my children, all are amazingly important to me and helped so much but this therapy of screaming to the world in text that I thought I was ready for my Daddy to go to heaven but I am not. It about killed me that he diidn’t know me. My champion. Who will be my champion? Who could love me like that? No one can. I am not lovable enough for anyone else on the planet to love me like he has my whole life. I have been so fortunate to have such a Daddy. I have not always been the best daughter but he never stopped loving me so much that it gave me wings. I could never have accomplished all I have in life without his support and knowing he was there loving me, my hero. A girl needs a hero who she knows she can run to if it doesn’t work out and just be loved and taken in and held so tightly that no harm can get in. Why does this disease toy with us? It is a horrible thing. I lose him in seconds, in minutes, and it is not what it was. My base of support is crumbling and I am a lost little girl holding out her hand for her Daddy and Daddy can’t come this time. He is lost in his mind. He is fading away. And I am left here to watch him trail off. My tears flow as I write, my nose runs, my heart physically hurts me. Torture would be easier to take. Physical abuse I could handle better than this. This is a slow shredding of my heart. And I write this down not to torture you also but to voice words for pain that I cannot say the words to. My mouth cannot say but my fingers are my voice. Maybe you have such pain for whatever reason. Voice it somehow. It has to get out of your mind. It has to leave your body somehow or it consumes and becomes a stronghold or rift in the balance or change in your psyche. How you see the world can change if it stays in there. My tears are slowing as I type. I am realizing that the release of the emotion is as important as the capturing of them. Water flows in and must flow out. There must be balance. Where there is balance, the catcher is not thrown down when the next pitch comes in. And I realize that I still am loved. My support structure may no longer be one man, my Daddy, buuut it is many friends and family members and my love and those who love me and have shown such amazing support during this difficult time. And please continue praying as my mom has surgery to remove her breast cancer as well during all this. Life keeps going. It changes. When I was young, I thought everything adults did was mundane and repetitive and boring. HA!! I could use a little boredom right now. I wish I had been right. lol Laughter heals. I firmly believe that, there is proof. So, I will not live here, though I am definitely here for a visit with grief. I will visit but I will not live here. Dear God, please grant a fast transition through it!

Mourning

So, when most people suffer a loss, they usually cry or they vent or they get angry or they deny, whatever suits their personality and depth of loss and feeling about said loss. Some go through all the proper steps of grief someone arbitrarily came  up with. Some will get really involved in serving others or keeping busy to feel better or distract themselves. Some will self medicate to numb themselves. And grief or loss can come from one aspect of a situation also, not necessarily a person but something about them. Hope will be quieted for a while. Our hope is shaken when we mourn, at least initially. And that loss of hope can continue on if it is something you may never be able to retrieve. So, the only One we can hope in is Christ. God sees what is happening and why. No one else sees all that or can reason it out. So God is the only One who can restore hope and trust in people. I just had a friend die. She was inspiring and interesting. I am sad for her loss. I mourn her passing. Also, my Daddy is going downhill.  I mourn for the loss of who he was. And another aspect of life has changed and I mourn that. All this collective mourning has allowed me both the opportunity and privilege to clean my eyes with tears and also to realize how extremely weak I really am and how vulnerable I make myself for loving people so strongly. And it always begs the question, why risk it? Why become vulnerable again? You’ll just get hurt again. And mourning always involves some level of isolation. Always. You feel alone in it. You feel you are the only one going through it. You feel no one else understands your pain or cares or you avoid people because they say all the wrong things and make it worse. And God is always with us. There is one constant companion who gets us and cares that someone does. He is the One that sees into your heart and knows we are worth more than this pain and isolation is giving us. He is the One that realizes we are precious treasures that are stronger for having been weak and wiser for having been humbled and tender for having given it one more go around when others quit. And my heart beats harder and I know I am worth more than this pain is telling me. Pain is a pessimist, a fatalist. And God is not. Mourning is carrying pain with you for a while. And for a while you need to feel it. But at some point you have to realize that it is not a part of you and you can put it down. Healing and hope are optimists and as you decrease pain, you increase hope and health. And it is imperitive that you know that God knows that you are a treasure worth working toward healing and hope. And if what you mourn is still alive it is important to know that no matter how well someone knows us, even if they know us inside and out, they have burdens to bear too, maybe even some mourning they can’t let go of yet. And if they have passed away, mourning and missing them becomes a purse you carry, a memorial to an empty spot you now have where they were. God heals and is hope but sometimes it is a process for our growth and maturity and rarely a quick fix. Patience is the key.