I recently saw the “love of my life” (at the time I thought so) in a recent picture someone had. He looked super skinny and old and I learned he had married a really controlling and harshly domineering woman. And at first I thought he got what he deserved for throwing me out for that thing. Then I thought better of that little dig. You see, what I did not realize at that time through my heavy tears was that God had bigger plans for me than to be a wife to a philandering man (found that out too).
Yes, at times my marriage is rough but I know I am with the man God wants me with until death separates us. And here, I can focus on my kids and my home and serve in church and help a lot of people and play great music in a band and working as a consulting doctor. And as such, I am using my talents. In addition, I have a great future vision of housing teenagers who are pregnant so they will keep their babies and not abort them. It is on my heart. And I have to wait for a while but I will work on that goal.
All this detail to say that God knows what He is doing when He puts people together and when He separates them. Do not regret anyone. Learn what you can and accept God’s plan for you. He truly knows best as certain as you breathe. So the one who rejected me was not meant for me. Just learn and don’t get too close too soon next time. Wait for God’s timing and confirmation.
God made us all. He loves us regardless of everything, unconditionally because we bear His mark, we house His fingerprints and breath, we are made in His image and can reason and think for ourselves. We speak and sing, the only created beings besides the angels who can. Animals make noises, fish make waves, nothing else can do what we can with our communication and creative minds. So we are loved because of God. He cost to love us despite how repeatedly naughty and ugly we are to ourselves and other people and even (gasp) Him. He loves us anyway. So we must understand that we are important. But. And this is a very big but. We are not it. We are not the biggest and brightest and best thing out there. You see, God is enormous but He is more than a loving Creator, He is old. By that I mean HE IS. By His own description of Himself, He has always been, is now, and always will be. He has been around since before we were thought of, and by “we” I mean earth and everything in it. He also, in addition to having seen and experienced everything we have even heard of and whatever else happened before we came on the scene, He knows everything. He knows and sees everything. He is Spirit and can be everywhere at once, sees all, knows all. God is never ever ever ever surprised. He might be mad at choices we make but oh how He loves the worship of purposeful Obedience! He is not flattered by praise for He knows good and we’ll who He is, but He is impressed with faith and happy when we turn our thoughts and face to Him. Back to the love thing on why that is. But He has plans in place since He knew some created (and that is very important) angels turned on Him by making a prideful and very bad decision with their free choice. The plan was set then as to how He would save as many as possible before the world had to be rebuilt and Satan And his followers be destroyed forever. He wants us saved. Jesus Christ, God’s Son, is who this salvation is through for He paid our debt of disobedience and pride against Him to make us right. So whoever accepts Jesus’ death and resurrection as their means of holiness (for God is also holy), they are saved. That is the plan. When testing is over to be sure we mean it and to build our potential, He will come get us and hit restart on the earth and evil will be destroyed forever. That is the plan. He has already won. It is happening now. He gave us the Bible so it would not be a secret. So know and remember the plan, live the plan, love the plan. Be saved and save as many as you can for the time for all that is short. Get right and get a friend right and gear up to go. God is in control. Never doubt that or fear. It is all part of the plan. Praise God!! 🙂
So tomorrow ends our luxurious school break and I am sorry to see it go but happy to get back to productivity for the kids’ education. I declutter and cleaned and rearranged a lot during the break so that helped a lot in preparing a neat environment to work, so I didn’t laze away the time, but tomorrow we get back to it. Health will be important as I and the kids will start exercising every school day, and school will be more important as we are preparing for sixth and first grades and need the solid base and I am determined to be more organized than I have been or am naturally, so this should be a challenge. And working more will benefit everyone and distract me from the missing and keep the banner of progress flying high. I am determined and so it will happen. For now. I am notorious for starting projects and getting them going well and then giving them away and moving on to a new project. But my children are not a project, they are an extension of myself, my history and present and future, amazing people God charged us to care for. It is so amazing how children change your life and how selfless you become the second that precious baby starts growing inside you. Before you thought of self or self and mate and now you have additional, important considerations in caring for this soul, this life dependent on you. It is beautiful. Here’s to tomorrow through May!! 🙂
Herein lies my symptoms for the benefit of the men reading to better understand the plight of the “change” and for younger women to know what they might look forward to and those women with me in it to not feel alone. And they include a delightful rendition of soft crazy, as I call it lovingly. There is underneath the sometimes (where it used to be most of the time) calm exterior a confusing array of roller coaster emotions: crying one minute, ready to punch someone the next, everything between, so fun! And on top of that is temperature changes related to the hormone debocle. Hot as blazes peeling off clothes one minute and freezing and putting on layers shortly after. So fun! Also on the list is a beautiful and colorful array of acne. Woo hoo! I was hoping my teen skin would revisit me. This is fabulous! All joking aside, however, apart from a newfound moodiness, it is not so bad. I just have to keep praying to God to keep me from acting or speaking in accordance with my emotions. That is a pretty great game plan anyway, I think. 😉
I looked back for a minute. My yesterday’s were like a dream, sometimes a good one and sometimes a nightmare, but a dream it was. I have never had that ability some possess of living in their past, living yesterday’s as though they were todays. My very vivid imagination and very vivid visual mind and thinking are so busy with now that they very rarely function in real time with past memories. I remember them but I can count on one hand how many memories are vivid, most are dreamlike, like that weird fuzzy cloud surrounding them they used to use on sit coms of old. I have some friends who have the uncanny ability to be present in the past and that fascinates me. It seems their imagination and memory is just as vividly real in yesterdays, even many yesterday’s ago as it is today and they almost prefer to live there sometimes. It is amazing. Generally for me, out of sight is out of mind. Great for being fully present in any current situation but horrible for remembering to take medicine if someone put it in the cabinet. Lol. God made us all so different. Recent past of course linger for me but only carries on so long and then memories are dreamlike snippets of good or bad or indifferent clips that happened a long time ago. The depth of my soul hold the spirit, connects deeply with those I love and they are always with me but the specifics (which are always rather overlooked truth be told) fade out. And I have a friend who can remember specifics of an incident or conversation seventeen years ago at a certain time and date like it was yesterday. My jaw drops every time. Not only can I not remember most of the time, but I think I would go stark raving mad if I did, my mind is so busy all the time with current situations and loved ones’ problems and care. So here is the point. God makes people to have different areas of focus for different reasons and important duties in His kingdom. God expects us to help each other and work with the gifts we are given for Him and other people and our own sanity really. No one is any better than anyone else and we must accept these differences within each other and appreciate them because together we are fulfilling our innate drive and God’s plan for all of us. We are here to worship and serve God together not do a series of comparisons. We are each made perfectly by are perfect God for what He made us for. Let’s appreciate each other.
I am not proud. I am humble. More so than I ever thought possible. So I need to apologize to my reader for showing that negative side of the coin. I am told that is normal when grieving, especially when compounded with menopause, but I hold myself to a different standard than normal. I am not normal. I am happily weird. So, in my weirdness and humbleness, I am apologizing for giving in to a sort of hopeless anger for a minute and I realize a lot of times I play more emotion than sense lately. And further, I realize that God causes all things to happen for a reason. And when bad human choices are made against His wishes, He having given us free will and all, He does still cause the very best results to happen for us, His children when we ask humbly. So I pause right now and ask forgiveness for being to harsh on a good friend who happened to make what seems to me to be a very bad choice to many many people’s detriment. That is just what I felt at the moment and in no way does that reflect judgment as only God judges a person’s heart and I myself are flawed majorly. So I am sorry for dwelling in my momentary anger and not in God’s designs for fixing it all for the best of everyone. God can do anything. He is in charge. He knows what is best and He will do it and I will humbly ask again. God is so good. I am so not. So I defer to Him. Forgive me. Praise Him!
What finds me baffled is how opposite everything is from what is once expected in the spiritual realm than in the physical one. In the physical realm, you push an object to get it to move. In the spiritual realm, you let go of the object and it moves. Let me explain. I have had a troubling ongoing trial with someone in my family. I wanted one thing to happen, they wanted another. I worked and worked in the physical realm to get my way, to have it go the way I wanted, because of course I was right (and so was the other person, by the way). So, the more I prayed for my will to be done, the less done it was being. So, the Lord got sick of laughing at my feeble attempts, I think (in my twisted imagination, no offense meant) and gave me a tidbit of wisdom. This was to let go. Quit. Leave it alone. So, after several more attempts to not listen because certainly I was still right (tee hee), I finally gave up. I chilled out. In chilling out, several amazing things happened. First of all, I suddenly had much more energy and time to accomplish some very useful things. Secondly, the other person started relaxing. Thirdly, my relationship with God improved because I was going along with His plan and forcing my own. Fourthly, I broke through that pesky weight plateau because my stress levels decreased immensely. So chilling out rescued my relationship and God is good and life is what it should be. I love irony. I am so thankful to be given yet another chance to learn something truly important and useful. 🙂