When you get older and head into menopause, people don’t realize you are an awkward, uncertain teenager again. You are expected to be more mature and wise, but the whole time your hormones are raging just like they did in your teens and sometimes it is hard to focus and hard to not be easily offended. So I pray more. My husband hawks at young barely clad little airbrushed girls on TV and I want to take a sledge hammer to the tv. So far not him, but I digress. It is awkward and unseemly and annoyingly uncertain. What once I was positive of, I question about my abilities. What once I knew to be true I question the validity of (except God and the Bible). I say wrong things, I break out, I am very uncharacteristically moody and I can get down and depressed sometimes now and cry for no reason. It sucks sometimes. But I know this to be true. No matter what I FEEL, I KNOW God is in control. He just is. I just need to n focus and follow Him and He will lead me through this weirdness. God is a good Father.❤
Herein lies my symptoms for the benefit of the men reading to better understand the plight of the “change” and for younger women to know what they might look forward to and those women with me in it to not feel alone. And they include a delightful rendition of soft crazy, as I call it lovingly. There is underneath the sometimes (where it used to be most of the time) calm exterior a confusing array of roller coaster emotions: crying one minute, ready to punch someone the next, everything between, so fun! And on top of that is temperature changes related to the hormone debocle. Hot as blazes peeling off clothes one minute and freezing and putting on layers shortly after. So fun! Also on the list is a beautiful and colorful array of acne. Woo hoo! I was hoping my teen skin would revisit me. This is fabulous! All joking aside, however, apart from a newfound moodiness, it is not so bad. I just have to keep praying to God to keep me from acting or speaking in accordance with my emotions. That is a pretty great game plan anyway, I think. 😉
A common theme of mine because of its importance and truth and value for balance promotion personally is perspective. I lose it. I forget. Lately these perimenopausal hormones have me wondering about some of God’s decisions. Not His supremacy or superiority, don’t get nervous, but His decision to make a strong 41 year suddenly insane for a minute. Couldn’t crazy just wait until I’m too feeble to hold a gun for heaven’s sake. Lol All joking aside, I am suddenly with these crazy roller of a coaster of emotions I am rather famous for not having so many of, I have to force this big girl to shut up and listen to some wise counsel. That is this. Think. Breathe. Observe. You will find that a tall glass of truthful perspective will save you worlds of trouble. When your body is calling you to act like a person much younger than yourself, remember that all the experiences that got you here were planned and timed so you would know better right now. Lol There is absolutely nothing that happens in life that will keep you from breathing but God. Over reacting is hasty and foolish and a bad use of energy spent cleaning up messes. When you are in the batter’s box, your swing matters. When you are next at bat, no one gives a rat’s patooty about your swing. It simply doesn’t count for beans until it is your turn up at bat. Until that moment, you might as well get comfortable on clean up duty or fetching waters. That is truthful perspective. It is hard. It is very hard to hear some truths. But reality is very sobering sometimes when hormones got you acting drunk. Reality is what I need sometimes. Perspective and truth I always need, especially lately. I used to search through continents, through states, through busy crows when I was younger for someone just like me. Someone that got me, that understood, someone that could keep up with the crazy overflowing never ending workings and travels of my mind. Someone with all the same flaws that would not judge me or criticize me for every little thing, let me be myself. I realized that not one of us have that because God loves variety and is a very skilled designer. He makes no two snowflakes alike, no two fingerprints alike, no two people alike. But He Himself loves each of us, doesn’t judge us though He is qualified, loves us, gets us, so we can be ourselves. Wow. Someone, some precious soul mate, some perfect friend may be brought into your life and that is precious and rare. But even more precious and rare is the timing that must be perfect for that meeting to ever flower into a union. God knows what He is doing, though. There are no accidents and sometimes we just have to shut up, breathe, observe, and learn what you are on deck to learn. While you wash the dugout, you watch the ball. You study, you enjoy the game, you practice and train to be ready should you ever have a turn at bat. Then if that day ever comes, you are so ready for it. It is glorious. If you yell and carry on from the side lines, badmouth the ref, sleep, whine about having g to wait so long, you won’t be ready. And if that turn ever comes, you may be whining too much to hear the call. So, Me, who I am talking to here (I am sure y’all got this already but I am ever the slow learner), shape up and cut that noise. You have work to do. That is truthful perspective.
So right now I am suddenly craving spicy food after many years of not being able to eat spicy food. All of a sudden, I am not as graceful internally (hopefully only internally) when wronged in any way. My emotions are on some kind of weird roller coaster ride trying to pull me this way or that, and it seems worse than when I was going through puberty. I have a great deal of trouble smiling sometimes and often wish to say more than I should. Through God’s help, I have not said it out loud but it is something I am again having to give to the Lord for help continuously. The “experts” say this is peri-menopause, the stage right before menopause when everything has shut down for more than a year straight. Shut down already. This is my one exception to not questioning the Lord, “Why not just shut it off? This is torture.” That complaint being voiced, I must turn the tables on myself. My kids and I just went through the compassion experience at a local church. It walked you through the life of an underprivileged child through teenager in Belize. He slept on the floor, had one toy to play with, maybe ate because he was from a poor and drug abusing family. It happens in the US a lot but is caught more often and helped, hopefully. My kids were able to see the world through less blessed eyes. I have some weird internal struggles right now, but I have a roof over my head. Pretty sure it will be there tomorrow also. I am grumpy and sensitive and about to cry or fight all the time with this crazy emotional garbage right now, but I can shower today and sleep in a warm bed tonight. Crazy may not be able to flip to beautiful every day but every day has some beautiful though maybe simple blessing you can choose to focus on. And better yet, I noticed that I have much greater clarity of thought when I don’t focus on me at all but start reading the Bible and praising and worshipping God. Such a cool trick I challenge you to try. Maybe there is emotional horrible craziness right now, but we serve a God who doesn’t have an emotional imbalance and right now that steadiness and faithfulness is taking on a whole new spectacularness to me. Faithfulness and consistency I used to think was rather mundane and boring but now next to my crazy, I am digging and respecting and appreciating that quality of God. How amazing is He not to be moved by anything. Wow!