I Don’t Cry Anymore (except when empathizing)

Now, since my Daddy died two years ago, I have not.been able to help but cry if someone is crying- real life or on tv/movies. It is just a new thing now where I can empathize with people’s heartache. That is honestly new to me since these last two years. I felt the deepest pain of my life and I now feel other people’s pain. Even if I had felt it before I never cried. I can probably count on one hand how many times I cried growing up. Just not a crier before. So it is a new thing when I see other’s heartache.

Now, for me, I do not cry, not since I came out of the sobbing wet depression a year ago. After Daddy died, I cried for a year straight about and was depressed and really selfish. I know I had a family to look after and did so mechanically but wounded my children in the process and am still rebuilding that. But selfishly, I was stuck for a year in rich grief. Grief n is normal but letting it take over my life was selfish of me, in my case.

Since I snapped out of the depression with God’s help, I have worked hard on rebuilding (God’s specialty) and have only cried since then when I have seen someone cry, but not for me, just for them and their sake and pain, to help. I get it. I understand their pain. I lived it.

I believe sometimes for other people, you can help them more.by crying with them than any amount of advice or well wishes. But as far as we go, we focus on the wrong thing personally when crying. God comforts those who mourn but also rewards those who obey. Now hear me in love… Awfully hard to serve God and others when constantly thinking of what we lost. We do better at our eternal work when we are grateful for what we have left. Re-read that and you will be glad you did. Prayer and pleasing God in obedience is the option. 😄❤

The Weepy, Soft Side of Me

I was brought up by extreme parents. My mom encouraged talking about emotions and was weepy sometimes and my Daddy was the tough guy who told me not to cry and only cried twice ever that I saw when his parents died. And I was always a daddy’s girl and a tough tomboy so crying wasn’t something I did. I just didn’t. It was feeling sorry for myself, it was weakness, didn’t change anything, etc. So, since my Daddy died and a good friend died and a close band family member completely abandoned us, and I am going through the change of life, I am all weepy and soft now quite often. There is an ok-ness to it though that I never had before. A commercial comes on  and may not even be sad per se but my eyes will water up. Completely forget about a mushy drama. No way, I could not be trusted with that for a second. And it is OK. It is OK to cry and be sad for someone else’s pain, for yours, for injustice, for the effects of evil, for lost souls, for the homeless. The thing is crying and empathizing is OK, good even. Let it out. But the trick is after that to balance that emotion with action to help the situation. Sometimes crying with a person is what they need and is enough. But reach the lost, feed or shelter the homeless, give to the poor, do something. Allow your tears to motivate positive behavior. Use that bad boy. Tears are valuable, hence the pulled heartstrings on feed the children or humane society commercials, which I also cry for now. Oy. It’s all good though. And God always comforts the mourning or downhearted when we ask. Let it go, let it flow. And drink extra water to replenish. Lol 🙂

No Woman, No Cry

I love Bob Marley’s songs, for the most part, love reggae too. It is happy music. Even sad lyrics sound happy to a reggae beat, ever notice that? It breathes life into an old idea. And I love his song No Woman, No Cry. It reminds me that a real man cares for his woman. Very few people seem settled within themselves to be content with one person for a long time. And with everyone their own God or at the minimum selfish and prideful, it is only the morally upright and others-orientated and God fearing/serving that stand a chance. Compromises must be made by both parties. Many of my friends and I in times past have cried at the insensitivity and selfishness of her spouse. I am sure that is visa versa also I hear lesson that. And it is sad when two grown up people can’t be big enough to drop the pride down and lift their spouse up. It is sad. But there is hope because God is still on the throne. And God will sometime relatively soon come on back and we will not cry again. It is a beautiful thought.

Sometimes I am Sad

Normally very happy because it is my choice to be so, it is strange to most that I too have sad days once in a while. I do nonetheless, and I want to explore and share it because you might need to pour out or understand some sad days too and you are not alone in that. Everyone, even perpetually happy people have moments of sadness or days or weeks or months even. For me, if I feel it for a day and have a good eye downpour, it passes by the next morning but that is just my experience. Most of the time my sad days center around my daddy, whose dementia is worsening by the day and I am watching slowly drift off to oblivion. That is my sad spot. We have good days and bad days but even his bad days he is not himself any longer, not fully. There is a point he has crossed where he will never be fully himself ever again. His body, always strong and will even stronger keep on even in their weekened state, but his mind is losing the battle. And missing him is not mourning him because some form still remains and I remember. So the pain is acute and long term. I miss my dad but still have him to visit and care for. And today that hit me hard because his mind wandered many paths during my visit, during our attempt at conversation. The second part of my sadness was my son having a cold but going to his dad’s house for the weekend where I can not take care of him and nurse him back to health, and when I asked how he was I received no response. That frustrates and saddens me because I care about the health of my boy. So these two factors and one other I cannot discuss had led me to the point yesterday where my eyes received a good cleaning and my mind dwelt on the sadness far too long. Sometimes you have to feel it. You have to just be sad. In fact, during said times, I try to be as sad as possible, making it far sadder with my imagination, picturing everyone I meet with hidden sadness and tears about to emerge. Then I can cry harder, more painfully, more heartfealt. What purpose does this serve? It cleans my eyes, for one. Secondly, it gets it over faster so I can move on to the rainbow after the flood. Thirdly, if I do this hard enough, I become ridiculous to myself and will turn it over into laughter. Maybe that is a little crazy, but a little crazy never hurt anyone and by the way do not judge me. lol. If I can convert the energy of the tears into a greater more positive energy of laughter, it helps everything and lifts my spirits, cheering me up afterwards. It is not that I negate or dishonor the sadness but that I pay it homage and respect it but then draw the line at it ruling my life. The sadness must never be the goal, must never rule the show. It is a means to an end, which is to remember that God gives joy and peace and comforts us when we mourn. That is the end of the story, you see, my friend. It is a happy ending. It is an ending worth pushing through to get to.