Been balanced lately and doing quite well. And don’t worry, I am at peace and in joy and love with God. Today, however, under stress of heat, too much sun, too much work in both, cleaning mom’s house, walking her dog, kids misbahaving, not enough sleep, doubling up my morning walk, this momma hit a near crazy today. God helped me when I asked, just wished I had asked earlier and not done so much, but such is life. I am forgiven. The thing is, I realized this one thing is still plaguing me. I blogged about it a bit ago and thought I had fully kicked it to the curb but I am stubborn sometimes when I should not be. It is great sometimes but is a powerful tool that can be used for good or evil. So, when stress is high and crazy is looming, seems like that is when old haunts return to further stir the pot and double confusion. I don’t think that is a coincidence. Not for one second. See, our enemy wants us dead. Plays a great, alluring make believe, elaborate game with us, but lying scum the entire time, scum that throws you away like garbage as soon as possible and leaves you for dead. Pretends to love and dishes out a hate dessert. This is why I (and we all) need to get enough rest and stay healthy (physically and spiritually) to keep our guard up and be ready when too much comes our way, which it is bound to. I am going to bed now after a long talk with God and be more ready next time. This life thing is a series of attacks and adjustments all and long the path. I am so thankful we have God and each other for help and support. Be the light! Love you! ❤
I have often, throughout life, been called crazy. Lovingly, of course. Lol I used to wonder why people called me this and have come to a few conclusions: 1. I have a touch of the wild in me. I like adventure, creativity, seeing beauty in new places, whether traveling or a new perspective on the familiar. I have a very vivid imagination, so vivid and so extremely visual that I can see what my mind dreams up as real and some dreams are as vivid to me in memory as the real. Also, part of the wild in me is extreme love of nature and worship while there, so much so that I really could live outdoors. Ahhh, great thought. 2. I am fearless. When dared, I would do it unless it involved harming someone or myself, but I knew my limits and instinct told me when to do and when not to. Part of being fearless is not fearing rejection if I say no to someone. I never had fear because I grew up in church and reading the Bible and praying and God said “Have no fear” so I obeyed. That simple. My faith is very very high so fear is not within the realm of my existence. And if I die, I go to heaven so why on earth would I be afraid of that either? In the fearless department, I also never cared what anyone except my very few closest friends thought of me. It is simply not a concern. 3. I am an Aquarian, which evidently has the weird, crazy quotient built in. But I am not into all that so I let it go at that and never delve deeper at all. So there you have it, memoirs of a crazy person to some and touch of the wild person to me. So, nice to meet you. Now you know. Lol I know my stuff is not usually so narcissistic but it sometimes helps appreciate someone’s writing when you see that person better. Knowing the author also assists with their credibility. 🙂
Venturing out into the realm of the semi-sane, I reminisce with about a milliion thoughts at once, some good, some not, some neutral to carry the burden of the flesh making sense of the spirit realm. I find myself in this place of unsorted logic and well sorted fantasy and I pause. I have once again ventured too far in, to far down the rabbit’s hole into the bizarre netherreaches of quasi-logic. I pause. Here before all of us is an as yet unparalleled mix of distractions and foolishness clouding the sight of the physical so the spirit is camaflouged during a time it would behoove us to truly focus on that which is spirit and is the cause of the terror, the evil, the darkness, the distractions, the confusion, the foolishness. All things happening are warning the spirit to wake up not chasing the body toward its distractedness. The opposite reaction is occurring. And the crazy is evident, the irrationality is vast, the denial is abundant and the lies are ubiquitous. There is an amazement at those who can keep calm amidst the chaos and our lights shine so brightly within us who know these secret things and rest secure despite it all in our precious Savior Jesus Christ. God gives us the choice to know the truth and embrace it and find rest in Him OR hit the crazy fantasy searchers who need distraction to feel safe and not fear. Fantasy, escape from realities, make people feel secure, better, even happy for a moment, euphoric for a little bit but peace does not find anyone where God’s Spirit is not. It can’t. They are connected, related, relevant, necessary.You can not have one without the other. You can’t, not permanently. The only way to counter crazy is to promote peace and love and faith and hope and light and truth. And those things only come from God. You can’t fight a sword with a banana. You need the right tools. If you are tired of crazy and uncertainty, man up with some Holy Spirit. You can find Him by praying to God the Father and reading His Word the Bible. It is just that simple. And simple is what is needed. Simple and distractionless. So here is our hope, personally and for our country and world. It is truly that simple.
Nothing in this world has given me greater joy and sheer madness, respectively, as being a Mother. Neither child has called me that. I have been “Mommy”, “Mom” and “Momma”. And for only having two living children, believe me I have been called these a lot. I think they call out “Mom” in place of breathing sometimes. And the madness, I could talk about the madness, the exhileration of two years of sleeplessness and children deciding no more naptime since they were 2 and a half. Really? Yes. And days of not having a vocal conversation with a read adult other than myself. And social craziness, I will not even go there this time. And there are the everything taking about twenty times as long because of the amount of luggage needed for the rascals to do anything at all. Five minute trip to the store is 20 minutes. Being the pack mule for the entire nation when hiking or going for walks or to the park. Their joy at going somewhere you dropped your world to take them and then guilt of feeling like a meany butt when told they have to actually return home that day after their huge fun. And can I please use the bathroom alone? Is that too much to ask? Can I breathe a breath of my own in a day? That and more is the crazy of my Momminess. That is the price you pay for the next part. The joy. The absolute pure joy of waking up and seeing the little people your children are becoming and are born to be and just thanking God for the opportunity to have so much time with these amazing little people God made. God made them inside my tummy, using building blocks of my and their dad’s DNA and adding such amazing little gifts and qualities all their own to make them just pleasurable to behold. It is a joyful honor to be their Momma. And I know the crazy only lasts, well, forever, but the joy does too. And everything in life has to be a balance for it to work right. And I will gladly take crazy to have joy and pride in playing a role in bringing up the absolutely most amazing little future parents/workers/spouses/lovers/helpers/God worshippers. It is incredible to think about. These people I am helping to develop into the best they can be and the love I have for them is powerful, powerful enough to create energy when there is none left, to instill hope when I am stifled, to pour love from me when I thought I had given the last of it, to freshen the soul when it had been weighed down. What is more valuable than that?
A common theme of mine because of its importance and truth and value for balance promotion personally is perspective. I lose it. I forget. Lately these perimenopausal hormones have me wondering about some of God’s decisions. Not His supremacy or superiority, don’t get nervous, but His decision to make a strong 41 year suddenly insane for a minute. Couldn’t crazy just wait until I’m too feeble to hold a gun for heaven’s sake. Lol All joking aside, I am suddenly with these crazy roller of a coaster of emotions I am rather famous for not having so many of, I have to force this big girl to shut up and listen to some wise counsel. That is this. Think. Breathe. Observe. You will find that a tall glass of truthful perspective will save you worlds of trouble. When your body is calling you to act like a person much younger than yourself, remember that all the experiences that got you here were planned and timed so you would know better right now. Lol There is absolutely nothing that happens in life that will keep you from breathing but God. Over reacting is hasty and foolish and a bad use of energy spent cleaning up messes. When you are in the batter’s box, your swing matters. When you are next at bat, no one gives a rat’s patooty about your swing. It simply doesn’t count for beans until it is your turn up at bat. Until that moment, you might as well get comfortable on clean up duty or fetching waters. That is truthful perspective. It is hard. It is very hard to hear some truths. But reality is very sobering sometimes when hormones got you acting drunk. Reality is what I need sometimes. Perspective and truth I always need, especially lately. I used to search through continents, through states, through busy crows when I was younger for someone just like me. Someone that got me, that understood, someone that could keep up with the crazy overflowing never ending workings and travels of my mind. Someone with all the same flaws that would not judge me or criticize me for every little thing, let me be myself. I realized that not one of us have that because God loves variety and is a very skilled designer. He makes no two snowflakes alike, no two fingerprints alike, no two people alike. But He Himself loves each of us, doesn’t judge us though He is qualified, loves us, gets us, so we can be ourselves. Wow. Someone, some precious soul mate, some perfect friend may be brought into your life and that is precious and rare. But even more precious and rare is the timing that must be perfect for that meeting to ever flower into a union. God knows what He is doing, though. There are no accidents and sometimes we just have to shut up, breathe, observe, and learn what you are on deck to learn. While you wash the dugout, you watch the ball. You study, you enjoy the game, you practice and train to be ready should you ever have a turn at bat. Then if that day ever comes, you are so ready for it. It is glorious. If you yell and carry on from the side lines, badmouth the ref, sleep, whine about having g to wait so long, you won’t be ready. And if that turn ever comes, you may be whining too much to hear the call. So, Me, who I am talking to here (I am sure y’all got this already but I am ever the slow learner), shape up and cut that noise. You have work to do. That is truthful perspective.
Most of the arguments I have had in my life occur in my mind. Most of the battles I have waged, even between me and other people, have occurred not in real life but in the crevasses of my mind and the very vivid imagination God “blessed” me with. And often that wild child imagination mingles with pride of what I believe the reasoning is of myself or the other people and assumptions happen and anger responses arise and it may very well be that person believed no such thing. So, sometimes having a very busy, imaginative, creative mind is downright bad for your relational health. It can be an amazing things, as I love writing and art- painting and drawing and crafting and appreciating- and music and teaching. However, the down side is the innate ability to wage wars that don’t exist. 🙂 So, what do we do about that? I know to be true that when my prayer and devotion and Bible reading life is kept up well every day, I don’t get all crazy and assuming and prideful. I think that is the key for me. When I slip and fancy myself too busy to keep up with those things, my mind finds its own recourse and gets all wild. So, when God blesses us with busy, creative minds, our best bet is to be sure He helps us reel them in. 🙂
So right now I am suddenly craving spicy food after many years of not being able to eat spicy food. All of a sudden, I am not as graceful internally (hopefully only internally) when wronged in any way. My emotions are on some kind of weird roller coaster ride trying to pull me this way or that, and it seems worse than when I was going through puberty. I have a great deal of trouble smiling sometimes and often wish to say more than I should. Through God’s help, I have not said it out loud but it is something I am again having to give to the Lord for help continuously. The “experts” say this is peri-menopause, the stage right before menopause when everything has shut down for more than a year straight. Shut down already. This is my one exception to not questioning the Lord, “Why not just shut it off? This is torture.” That complaint being voiced, I must turn the tables on myself. My kids and I just went through the compassion experience at a local church. It walked you through the life of an underprivileged child through teenager in Belize. He slept on the floor, had one toy to play with, maybe ate because he was from a poor and drug abusing family. It happens in the US a lot but is caught more often and helped, hopefully. My kids were able to see the world through less blessed eyes. I have some weird internal struggles right now, but I have a roof over my head. Pretty sure it will be there tomorrow also. I am grumpy and sensitive and about to cry or fight all the time with this crazy emotional garbage right now, but I can shower today and sleep in a warm bed tonight. Crazy may not be able to flip to beautiful every day but every day has some beautiful though maybe simple blessing you can choose to focus on. And better yet, I noticed that I have much greater clarity of thought when I don’t focus on me at all but start reading the Bible and praising and worshipping God. Such a cool trick I challenge you to try. Maybe there is emotional horrible craziness right now, but we serve a God who doesn’t have an emotional imbalance and right now that steadiness and faithfulness is taking on a whole new spectacularness to me. Faithfulness and consistency I used to think was rather mundane and boring but now next to my crazy, I am digging and respecting and appreciating that quality of God. How amazing is He not to be moved by anything. Wow!