Recovering from Our Own Bad Decisions

No one decides audibly and suddenly to make their first bad decision that leads to a bad habit or many bad habits over and over, called addictions nowadays, or decides suddenly to make repeated decisions that lead them to destroy their lives or everyone’s around them. No, it doesn’t work that way. We might have something bad happen to us or have an emotional low or undergo a betrayal or have bad people tell us or do bad things to us or die or whatever, but something bad generally gets us low and we make one vulnerable decision to ease our pain somehow, could be with drugs, porn involvement, alcohol, sex, making money, gambling, starving ourselves or gorging then throwing it up, excessive food, u healthy relationships, whatever it might be. Then, the temporary feeling generated is incentive to do it again, and it is easier the second time. This behavior becomes the go to behavior to feel better. It is justified and denial sets in, lies always always follow to cover up, guilt sets in, you feel uglier and guiltier, you feel bad about it and more secretly continue the behavior. All this is one bad decision after another. The beauty of this is that at any point, we can also choose to make a good decision and try something that has long term peace and joy and truth attached, like praying to God, reading the Bible, hearing Christian music on the radio, something positive and eternal. Bad decisions can be changed by good decisions. God always helps when we ask Him to and He always knows who He made us to be so forgives so readily and is never surprised. Shame is a lie. God knows who He made us to be and loves us drastically, perfectly. He is for us, has our back. And we are so incredible with such great promise and there is always hope in the Lord Jesus Christ. One good decision at a time is the way out. It can be done. I did it. I understand. I love you too!!! Just make this decision good. You got this!!! God helps! 🙂

Bad Days and Good Days

Today was bad. I will freely admit that two and a slow third losses is too much for me, and I am tough as nails. However, I have given these things to God once again and feel better. It is a beautiful thing to have so done really big to count on. Never has God’s faithfulness meant so much to me in my life than now. I fancy I shall think of That one attribute in everyone left in my life much more meaningfully. And of course to me truth is the most important quality. I would so much rather be given a painful truth than a pleasant lie. God, being incapable of anything but the truth, is my very best friend now. God loves me. God is always with me. In my losses, He has stepped up as best friend, lover of my soul, Heavenly Father, confidant, sharer of my day, hearer of my heart, bearer of my burdens. God is it. He will never let me down. He will never abandon me. He will always be with me everywhere I go. That is so completely comforting and fantastic! So even bad days are better now because of God in my life. And good days, when I start having some again, will be fantastic. We will travel more also, making the most of the beauty around us and explore more of God’s amazing design and beauty. So good or bad days, they will be made the most of. 

A Mixed Bag of a Day

Each day always contains moments of beauty as well as moments of badness. Every day has a little of both. What you focus on most determines whether you are considered an optimist or pesimist. However, extremes are not the focus here. I am about both. Sometimes you have to take one with the other. Today, being Father’s Day, I spent some time with my loved Daddy with Kathleen, my little daughter. She and I went to visit Daddy in the nursing home with our little gift and found he was in the activities room having a Father’s Day celebration with other residents. So we went down there with our little dresses on from church and found him in there with about 10 other guys and one warm hearted nurse’s aid trying to entertain them and serve them snacks and cheer them up. So, we arrived and jumped right in of course and Kathleen and I started serving the men their snacks and talking and singing and helped the best we could. But with dementia, you always wonder how much gets through because your efforts are met primarily with stares and vacant expressions. And there is my dad who still loves eating. She served chips and salsa and mini cakes. On the same plate, of course, because who wouldn’t really? lol. And I help open everyone’s salsa packets and come back to check on dad and he is dipping his chips in his salsa and eating and then dipping his cake into his salsa and eating it. And it hit me out of the blue like a whack with a plank to the forehead out of nowhere. Daddy is fading fast. So the pleasure we had in serving and entertaining him was momentarily derailed. Kathleen and I finished our visit and I dropped her off at home before I left to pick up my son from his dad’s about an hour away (without traffic, which there always is so is usually double that). And I am off alone and on the highway and the vision of dad dipping his cake into his salsa and eating it proved too much for my little brain and I exploded in heaving sobs. The commute did end up being double time from the traffic not crying because apparently a car was on fire and no one could go around. But then I was able to pick up my son and it was good to have him back. I do love my children. So Father’s Day was really good and really bad, depending on the hour you ask about. And I think all of life is like that. You cannot appreciate the good without experiencing the bad too. You cannot enjoy peace without work. You cannot appreciate love without some hate as contrast. So, long story short, good and bad happen to everyone every day and you have to appreciate both for the fullest life and peace and then joy. Do not wish for one without the other. It will not happen and you will add disappointment to your list of things in a day. No, there must be both. Make peace with it. Embrace it. Then the bad things will become shorter lived or seem less important and the good will seem more good. And happy Father’s Day to those who have lost their Daddy. So hard sometimes. Tomorrow will be better.

Silly Bad Poetry Written By Me

Songs That Shouldn’t Have Been Written

When songs are written with a pen
And they these songs are sung again
But other ears are never asked
If sense is made of what was taked
And no one else can comprehend
This weird thought pattern that you penned
And what you wrote could never be
Understood by any you or me,
Well that is when the song you wrote
Should maybe have never left your boat.

Bad Dreams

Bad dreams come to the young
And they come to the old
They come to discourage rest from sleep
They bring you a mish mosh
Of unpleasand thoughts
They mix your fears with a glob of unease.

Sporting A Superlong Goatee

Nothing says I am a manly man
And not a goatlike man at all
Like a long goatee with shaven cheeks
As long as you are tall.

These wonders are great to behold
They scream “Please braid me now
Or trim me and I will look nice”
And it should be done somehow.

Fear of the Dark

Irrational Fears can often attack the mind.
Fears of hurt or pain or the color puce
But none is more common than the fear of dark
And nothing is of littler use.
For half our lives is lived in dark
And half in light as well
And where we can switch on a light for a bit
We can see that it always prevails.

Ugly Moments

A day goes by in a peaceful manner and BAM, all of a sudden something very ugly happens. What do you do? Is the day ruined? Is it all a wash? How do you balance your memory of the moments before with your cringing at the moments during the ugly or after it until you can regain composure? Well, if you find out, let me know. Here’s what I do, though, that works sometimes. I, being extraordinarily visual for a girl (so I’ve been told- I think gender has less to do with it than personality or attention), visualize myself picking up the ugly moment and surrounding ugly (it is shaped like a large dark brown leather bag of luggage for some reason) and I either throw it up to God for Him to dispose of or on particularly angry days I throw it into the fire myself. Let me tell you what this does. This tells my little self that that this matter was out of my control and forced upon me so I reject it as a part of my life and who I am. I tell you this because of this reason. Many of us have had or like me also continue to have ugly things happen to us and these things are deliberate and hideous but absolutely outside our control so outside our choice to do something about it or not. We cannot make these experiences a part of our story unless that story is our choice to pull out to help someone else going through it. We can decide to attend to them and allow them to hold us up and hinder our growth and testimony and energy or we can choose to give them to God or discard them as rubbish unless we need to use that on our terms to help someone else. I have had a miscarriage. I bring out that experience when a dear friend has had one and needs someone to understand their pain. Then I choose to experience that pain again with them in love with hope that it helps them. I have had other very bad experiences that I use the same way to help people. But my relationship with God and understanding of His Word has grown to the extent that I decide whether to carry the bad around with me or not and more often than not, bye bye it goes to Him, who can actually do something about it. “Vengeance is mine,” says the Lord. “It is I who repay.” So when it is really bad, and some of it has been, I don’t want to retaliate because I want God to do it. It is His baby. He is my Father and a good Father protects His children. His job. My job is to allow Him to do His job. And He will if He hasn’t already. You don’t know everything going on. We all have this choice. We can all choose what to carry and what to let go.