If you are going to say something, please be are you mean it. I have been mentally cataloging the sins I have committed against other people, and my greatest crime has always been flippant with words. Sometimes, I have lied (I do my best not to now at all), sometimes I have joked at someone’s expense, sometimes I have said the truth in a jerky way, often I have said the wrong thing and offended someone. And it kills me because I cannot undo that and it is people I cannot apologize to because I can’t find them or no one knows where they went, etc. And it is way too many people to find anyway. And I know I will be accountable on judgment day for every careless word I have uttered and every lie I have told. So I am broadcasting this apology to anyone I ever hurt or lied to with my words. (Shawn, please post this on Facebook.) “I am truly from the bottom of my heart sorry for any careless, hurtful or lying word I have ever uttered to you. I am sorry. Please forgive me.” And now it takes me a minute to speak. I am making it a point to think first instead of prattle on at breakneck speed. I have learned to be wiser from God and have felt this conviction. Truth has been my theme for quite a while, the theme of my blog, but I was forgetting to beg forgiveness for my past where truth and flippant comments were unfortunately a part of my everyday life. It is not so now, God has changed me, but I need to apologize for any harm my words brought to another. And please understand the power of our words. They have the power to harm so deeply and fortunately also the power to heal and restore and forgive and encourage. Use them wisely for God’s worship and nd advancement. I am doing my best too right alongside you. ❤
At band practice tonight, I was joking around with a new girl and heard the bandleader say we would do the verse and chorus. Well, we were playing and those of us on this side played the verse and the chorus but on the other side of the stage (where my husband was) they played something else and without thinking I yelled over, “He said the verse and chorus so I was right.” Well, that was the wrong thing to say, especially while still laughing about something else that was said. So my husband felt disrespected and was fuming the rest of the night and went to bed early mad. So here is a confession of insensitivity to publicly say I was wrong and to show how even people who mean well make mistakes when they blurt things out without thinking. Case in point, we brought a friend to church who does not go with his parents and while there the preacher’s kid teased him and name called about his size. Needless to say, she probably thought she was funny but she totally alienated our friend to church and maybe more. The things we say, especially when joking or sleepy or off guard, well they count. They matter and people can get wounded by them. So, honey, I am very sorry for my rudeness and insensitivity. Please forgive me. And God, please help me with keeping my mouth closed.
God blessed me with an enormous heart capable of great love and this indomitable spirit that has been tested many many times but has gotten stronger, all by God’s grace. But I still screw up. I blow it completely. I say the wrong thing, am way too transparent (because I wish everyone else would be), say too much when I should leave it alone, will fight for those I love dearly, even if they don’t want me too and I love people with extraordinary and difficult lives because I relate and understand. I come on too strong sometimes. So, my screwing up capabilities are enormous and very very real and present. But underneath, I have a heart of solid gold and intentions to love and uplift and help and heal because God loves me and fills my heart up so big. So I am sorry when I screw up. I never mean to, it is never intentional. But there it is. I am a firm believer that God sees and knows my heart, everyone’s in fact. And I am so very thankful for that. I keep trying to do better with people.
I am not proud. I am humble. More so than I ever thought possible. So I need to apologize to my reader for showing that negative side of the coin. I am told that is normal when grieving, especially when compounded with menopause, but I hold myself to a different standard than normal. I am not normal. I am happily weird. So, in my weirdness and humbleness, I am apologizing for giving in to a sort of hopeless anger for a minute and I realize a lot of times I play more emotion than sense lately. And further, I realize that God causes all things to happen for a reason. And when bad human choices are made against His wishes, He having given us free will and all, He does still cause the very best results to happen for us, His children when we ask humbly. So I pause right now and ask forgiveness for being to harsh on a good friend who happened to make what seems to me to be a very bad choice to many many people’s detriment. That is just what I felt at the moment and in no way does that reflect judgment as only God judges a person’s heart and I myself are flawed majorly. So I am sorry for dwelling in my momentary anger and not in God’s designs for fixing it all for the best of everyone. God can do anything. He is in charge. He knows what is best and He will do it and I will humbly ask again. God is so good. I am so not. So I defer to Him. Forgive me. Praise Him!
Sometime, a lot lately, I get it wrong. I was focused on my sadness at circumstances ces beyond anyone’s control and fixated on that. And here, under the weight of it all, I focused on me and my emotional of the moment. Who!e emotions are valid, they are not an excuse to not see my friend in need and be there. Sadness in myself is not an excuse for me to be inhumane. I am still responsible for my love. So, I am truly sorry, friend, I focused too much on myself at the moment and neglected you. And I also negated seeing my Father God in the emotions too. He is there, always and forever and comforts us when we ask Him and never leaves us alone. We need other arms but He provides that too. He provides everything in His timing for His glory and our best. That is truth. That is all.
So, I have this bold and fearless chip in my brain God put there and at first I thought it was in addition to my functioning brain. Apparently that is not the case. It was in exchange for a part of my working brain that tells me maybe not to do something or say something. “Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should” rings out in my head a lot lately, especially at Walmart. But I digress. You see, I do and then realize protocol was not followed. Sometimes that matters little. Other times, like several instances of late, it matters a great deal and can cause a considerable amount of damage and harm to pretty much everyone. It is amazing how many instances can never be undone. I love the line in Megamind where the bad guy genius Megamind says sorrowfully that he had looked into a reset button but the science is impossible. It would be beautiful to take things back, undo them, unsay them, do them better, say them better, be more clear. How perfect would that be! But alas, life is much less like a computer and more like an old fashioned typewriter, where mistakes may be covered but you can still see them forever. I am glad God forgives that way, choosing to forgive and forget wrongs when asked. I wish people were more like God in that way. It leaves one feeling like you are constantly having to guard everything, slipping into a ridiculous PC (politically correct not personal computer) rut. So, prevention is cure and I need to guard better how to ensure people are feeling loved in my circle, in my scope of experience and realm of nurturing. It is easy to let one’s guard down or forget other people in the mix of what is happening at the moment unintentionally and screwing up becomes easier sometimes than breathing. But a few moments of reflection prior to committing to a word or action can save much trouble in begging forgiveness. It is a novel thing to forgive. God thought of it first but when it happens here with people it is novel, seems very much like a big deal, like that person is the most generous person in the world where we should all be practicing it every chance we get. More novel is the art of forgetfulness. My daddy has dementia and is bedridden in a nursing home, bless his heart. He forgets and has peace from his forgetfulness. Things don’t plague him like they did, worries don’t bind his mind, troubles bounce off his heart because he has brain induced/illness induced forgetfulness. How peaceful and happy he is most of the time. How free of feeling trapped in his body being unable to get up and do this or that as he used to. He is blissful, thankful to be visited, happy to be fed, loved. It would be delightful to carry a little of that into our minds when we pleased, a selective ability to choose to forget wrongs done against us. What a relief that would be! But until people ask God for that grace for it to become a reality, I will probably continue to screw up and continue earnestly to try not to. And I would hope with all my heart that my people, my tribe would know my heart enough to feel loved and know that my screw ups do not reflect a cessation in love and care but a momentary carelessness I do try not to participate in but that finds me regardless. I love you more not less for putting up with my screwups. Thank you. Please forgive me and please try to forget. I will try to be worthy of this generosity and understanding.
Difficult. When a mind pursues too much, charges ahead to worlds unknown, a calming force, a quiet voice, or a firm hug is needed. The stress of a father not long for this earth creates a vacuum of security as the known forges into the unknown and momentarily produces fear that a man will love and provide and be in my corner as my dad has always been. He has been that one man in life could truly count on, to love me unconditionally and I fight not in letting him go, for heaven is where he will be and deserves that happiness with Jesus. It is fear that I feel. I realized that tonight when I was mistakenly fearing something I really was not. Momentary confusion took over me and I realize I have absolutely no fear of that situation. I fear loosing my support system and that no one will be left who knows and loves me so well. I realize the ridiculousness of that but feelings often do not meet logic in the moment they fly off their perch. I am afraid that those who love me will only do so if I don’t screw up, which I am bound to do. I rather specialize at it lately. I fear there will be one less person to pray for me. I fear my standard of the perfect man will be lessoned or softened in time to lose some of the truth. I am afraid to be alone. Crazy, irrational fears like a runaway train pushing me farther down the irrational track. So stress was holding my mind hostage and fear was making feelings I don’t remember ever acknowledging to a living soul pour out of me onto this paper to try to make sense of them. Sense is an important word. Truth more so. And there is the heart of it. My wise best friend and unofficial therapist and authorized face smacker if needs be let me have my crazy in a nutshell. She spoke truth of who I am in Christ. She spoke of peace and beauty and joy and distraction and to remember who I am to combat these illogical fears. God chose wisely in my best friend. And along the way, I am sorry to have thought too hard about other things that were not the cruxt of the matter. I may have hurt or annoyed or frightened someone and for that I beg forgiveness and if not highest thanks for patience. I am figuring out all this as I go and need to rely more on my best friend to be my voice of calm and realism and truth that daddy was for me and can’t be now. “Tonny?” Was sometimes all it took and the tone of his voice calmed my spirit and stopped my runaway train thinking and all was well again and I was back, joking, helping, serving, making music, working, doing art, whatever it was, I was back on, back to normal. So, I begin again tomorrow with new reflections and truth streaming in where doubt and fear were, and should I soon need a real friend to hold me and calm me and say “Tonny?”, I trust God to provide that person who loves Him and maybe even me enough to help this little girl who can soar again with the right support and encouragement and a few hugs too. And I trust God now enough to hand down the baton from Daddy as main support person of my life to a next generation of support and love for me. Maybe He already has. Runaway train, you are confined to truth tracks.