The Way of the Broken

Just saw a very good and beloved friend from my past. It amazes me when I meet up again with someone who was the purpose for a serious lesson learned long ago and you realize that God takes you exactly where you need to go in life. The way of the broken for the moment is to see the broken as the new you, see yourself as changed, different, lacking now because of some circumstances that disturbed you. And here is God the whole time saying that your broken has never looked more beautiful for there are new cracks that he can fill with gold and diamond inlays. He mends our broken with valuable and beautiful bedazzle. And you end up different yes, but in such a good way as to be strong get and more beautiful and wiser and more mature and now so E sort of walking testimonials y of God’s beauty that can only shine gloriously out of broken. I walk the way of the broken and I am incredible. I know more at 42 than most people die knowing and not because I am great but because I have been broken so many times and allowed God to mend me. He does the work, see. We break and let Him do His thing and He will recreate and fill that with such beauty. I saw this amazing art show one time that portrayed some of the oldest, messiest people you can imagine and captured their eyes. Baby, those eyes moved my soul. God fixes broken so perfectly that He pours right out of His work. I am proud to walk the way of the broken because I know how God works. I absolutely shine.

Sometimes I am Sad

Normally very happy because it is my choice to be so, it is strange to most that I too have sad days once in a while. I do nonetheless, and I want to explore and share it because you might need to pour out or understand some sad days too and you are not alone in that. Everyone, even perpetually happy people have moments of sadness or days or weeks or months even. For me, if I feel it for a day and have a good eye downpour, it passes by the next morning but that is just my experience. Most of the time my sad days center around my daddy, whose dementia is worsening by the day and I am watching slowly drift off to oblivion. That is my sad spot. We have good days and bad days but even his bad days he is not himself any longer, not fully. There is a point he has crossed where he will never be fully himself ever again. His body, always strong and will even stronger keep on even in their weekened state, but his mind is losing the battle. And missing him is not mourning him because some form still remains and I remember. So the pain is acute and long term. I miss my dad but still have him to visit and care for. And today that hit me hard because his mind wandered many paths during my visit, during our attempt at conversation. The second part of my sadness was my son having a cold but going to his dad’s house for the weekend where I can not take care of him and nurse him back to health, and when I asked how he was I received no response. That frustrates and saddens me because I care about the health of my boy. So these two factors and one other I cannot discuss had led me to the point yesterday where my eyes received a good cleaning and my mind dwelt on the sadness far too long. Sometimes you have to feel it. You have to just be sad. In fact, during said times, I try to be as sad as possible, making it far sadder with my imagination, picturing everyone I meet with hidden sadness and tears about to emerge. Then I can cry harder, more painfully, more heartfealt. What purpose does this serve? It cleans my eyes, for one. Secondly, it gets it over faster so I can move on to the rainbow after the flood. Thirdly, if I do this hard enough, I become ridiculous to myself and will turn it over into laughter. Maybe that is a little crazy, but a little crazy never hurt anyone and by the way do not judge me. lol. If I can convert the energy of the tears into a greater more positive energy of laughter, it helps everything and lifts my spirits, cheering me up afterwards. It is not that I negate or dishonor the sadness but that I pay it homage and respect it but then draw the line at it ruling my life. The sadness must never be the goal, must never rule the show. It is a means to an end, which is to remember that God gives joy and peace and comforts us when we mourn. That is the end of the story, you see, my friend. It is a happy ending. It is an ending worth pushing through to get to.

The Fire in my Eye

Once upon a time, God made me. I plopped into this world with a pretty big thud (over 9 lbs) and alone. My twin brother decided to meet me in heaven later. So here I was, on this earth and from day one there was a fire in my eyes. A sweet fire, but a fire nonetheless. I grew with that fire sparking, always sparking, lots of life, lots of drive. Fast forward 20 years or so and I made some really stupid choices to allow another human person to douse my fire, diminish my spark, lesson my drive. I believed an idiot. And I didn’t realize it at the time, but believing an idiot over the truth made me an idiot too, against the truth of who I was I believed a clueless wonder, a moron who made someone (me in this case) feel like less to feel like more. And dumb me of ancient past believed such lies and a fire, born to blaze eternally, went out. Not completely because it is innate. A fire was still perking unseen, awaiting a new spark. Fast forward past one misfit marriage into one of much more freedom and finally what relit the flame of life, of drive, of passions and pursuits for God, of peaceful movement forward was a spark of love and acceptance and fitting somewhere with someone whole who fit back. And life moves on again, fire is reborn, stronger and wiser than it was before and I see God’s hand in this. I feel the passion for life I once had, I hear the calm reaching hand of the Almighty coming toward me and feel Him lifting my head. So never underestimate the power of your love on another’s life. Love may mean the difference for them, may relight the fire in their eyes. And loving them and making a difference to them may relight your own fire. Sometimes doing what seems hopeless brings hope when done anyway. Have a goal of relighting at least one fire in your lifetime. What a gift that is! What a blessing!

The Blank Stare

In college, I had a number of jobs, sometimes coinciding with each other. Anything to keep a roof over my head and stay in school. So one of these jobs was as a daycare worker. I loved my job because I had toddlers often and while it was their nap time I had babies to rock to sleep. It was a wanting-to-be-a-momma’s dream job. Mostly because I could sleep at night and also go out when I wanted to. lol I digress, the point is that one toddler, with his cute little roundness, when I told him to put the toys away because it was time for whatever it happened to be, he gave me this blank stare. I would repeat to put the toys away, he would repeat the blank stare. Only when I stopped what I was doing, usually putting down another kid I had just saved from a runaway child or something, and had him help me pick up the toys did the blank stare go away and he started helping. And often I have thought about that little boy, wondering if he continued the blank stare into adulthood, wondering if he is maddening some women he married or whether she will figure out that she needs to come alongside him. I often  have tried the blank stare routine when asked to do something I did not want to do, pretending I didn’t understand what was asked or going on vacation in my mind. But when people come alongside and do that difficult thing with me, it makes all the difference in the world. You are welcome to borrow my sweet ward’s blank stare technique and see how you fare with it. In the meantime, it would be lovely to have some help and company of a good friend through all of life’s blank stare moments and maybe we can accomplish those difficult things together. And go drink milk and cookies when we’re done.

An Eye for Eyes

Ever notice how the people we love have the most beautiful eyes? Maybe it is how they look at us. Maybe it is that we look at them more and notice the beauty. Maybe it is because of the blind love thing where everythuing is beautiful when love is there. All that is true. I think, however, in my strong romantic sensibilities, that the better you know and study a person, the more you can see the very very subtle changes their eyes make that tells on them. Through those beautiful orbs we can see into the intentions and thoughts, the soul’s outcries, the heart’s echoes and it draws us in. To know someone truly is to love them and to love them is to see inside into their essense. It is so passionately beautiful, so eagerly genuine and heart warming. The greater you pay attention, the greater is the amount of u derstanding you possess of that person’s design, imperfections, truth. We can see when lies creep in and when truth wins. We can feel their struggles and joys through these lenses. There is great beauty in seeing another person’s soul through their eyes and a great joy in learning a new perspective on life through learning their soul. The abundance of new material to peruse is enough to keep one occupied for a lifetime or at leat until next Tuesday. Lol The eyes hold every secret but you cannot study them until their heart allows it. And you cannot understand their intricasies until you put in the time and pay attention.