Made to Feel

I used to get angry at myself for showing my feelings. It always seemed to be frowned upon. I was always a very emotional girl but no one would ever know it. I was led to believe crying is for babies and emotional outbursts were for the out of control and thus a crime. I stifled. I wondered why we had feelings if we could never express them. Then I thought maybe they were for marriage, to pour into your mate for life. And then I had no feelings left after a very short amount of time and did not know where to go from there. Upon remarrying, my husband quiets and limits my emotion and feelings also so again I am quelled. Why does God give us emotions if we have to stifle them all the time? There must be a reason because He never makes mistakes and I am not questioning Him, just me. Am I so different? Is this my biggest reason I am weird?  Even worshipping, people want quiet reverence when I want to scream and dance that my Savior lives and loves us and is coming soon!!! There seems a strange conundrum here. Perhaps it is because we are made for something more… some greater freedom. Maybe heaven will be loud and fun. Maybe we are given feelings to motivate us to act. Maybe evil screwed that all up too and we will be free when it is laid to rest soon. For whatever reason, I will continue to ride it out and try my very best to minimize my emotions and discount my feelings. I warn you, though, I am gaining ground with self-control (why one person that attacked my family is still unharmed and will remain so- I forgive her) but I am caring less and less what others think of my worshipping the Lord corporately. I care what God thinks. Everyone else, not so much anymore. I obey God, not them.❤

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