After the People Go

When everything is happening, I am distracted. I am focused. I am weapy but not falling apart. I am a put together mockery of fine. I have the all is well mask on. I am strong for those around me who might be hurt by what I am going through. I weep with those who weep but I am strong to keep people from weeping on my behalf. I would rather be happy than sad but if I am going to be sad, I want to be sad alone where it doesn’t give anyone else sadnss. There is simply enough of that in this world without me contributing. I will always be fine. I maybe alone and feel alone without my loved ones with me but I am never alone. I am a child of God. He is always with me because He is there before I get there, is with me now, and was with me the entire time. No one knows me better than Jesus. And when the pain of loss tears me down to my knees alone in my room after everyone sleeps and tears flow readily and abundantly from my eyes, I share that experience with the only One who truly gets me and loves me unconditionally and will never ever ever leave me. His love loves perfectly. His love does not throw away or abandon for a better situation. His love does not die. His love does not seek to tell me how to feel or what to do or criticize me or my tears. Jesus is the lover of my soul, my hero, my Father, my comforter in every way. So do not be sad when I choose to hoard and save up my sad places and only share them with Jesus. I am fine, I am OK truly with all my heart because Jesus loves me. I sang that song to Daddy as I held him in my arms and he went off to sing it in heaven. Jesus loves me. It is a song sung for children but is the strongest message in the universe. Jesus, God loves us. We know it to be true. He will never leave us alone. He will not abandon us. He always cares. There is never a moment He is not there caring. Because His Spirit lives inside us. Amazing love! Do not cry for me. Jesus is comforting me and I will be with Daddy again in heaven when He chooses to take me there. Until then I will keep busy serving Him and helping as much as I can and teaching my babies to love Him and love my husband. Do not worry. I am quieter because I am listening for quiet words of comfort in my soul. I am changed but I am stronger and wiser from the struggles. And isn’t that what they are for?

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