Being actively involved in the process of my mom working through my dad’s illnesses, including dementia and strokes. Finances had to be changed, titles had to be changed, Power of Attorney had to be assigned, social security had to be worked through and with, daily tasks of caring for him before the nursing home had to be performed, and it was all I could do at times to keep breathing much less homeschool my kids and care for the dog. Then when mom broke her hip too, my mind is still recovering I think. It was constant, ruled my life or what there was of it, everyone suffered I normally cared for. Now that the nursing home is covering dad’s day to day care and meds, etc., there is more time to enjoy visiting him and less to break the back caring for him. I hated the nursing home idea at first but now I see its value. But the point is not all of this about nursing homes, the point is that unexpected things happen in life. Life is constantly in a state of flux and things happen. These things are sometimes tests, sometimes punishments it seems, sometimes horribly limiting for whatever reason and when all of these things happen, security is shaken. You become uncertain where you were once certain. You question whose name things are in, not because of wanting control but just in case things happen like they did to mom. What if becomes a big question, a genuine, serious question and not a hypothetical. You wonder what you can be sure of. You ask more security questions in other areas, other relationship. You want to know standing, understand meaning, know your place and significance. When you don’t receive answers, you instantly have a choice to make. No answer becomes no security just as certain as a day off is short. Security now, see, means so much more. There is weight to the supposition. There is reality that has been experienced. You have crashed already and do not wish to relive that crash if possible. So security in my life has taken on a whole new level. Safety and security and risks are all important aspects of a real workable life and I am necessarily needing these things. Without assurrances and answers, I now see an expedient withdrawal wise. Without security, I do not feel safe anymore. I never cared about that pre-crisis. I was content to fly by the seat of my pants and wing it most of the time, loving the freedom of that. Now, I need security above that, the importance of things has shifted. And I see that as a point of sadness at times but also as a point of maturity and thankfulness because I can learn and be taught and apply that to my life to make it better and help more people in return.

One thought on “Security

  1. Tonya, I am just recently coming through this process with my mother. We took care of her for over a year, ER visits, doctor visits, medication pick-ups, Ambulance rides, until it nearly took the stuff out of the family…four siblings. Finally we put her in a nursing home and felt guilty, tired, and anxious. Then the paperwork! My brother and I just overnighted the Medicaid package that had to reach it’s deadline or we would have to start over. I cannot tell you how many hours, we took turns sitting with her. But when Hospice at Home came in, it gave us some relief, for a few months so she could stay home, but then they told her she could not be alone. So we took turns spending 6-8 hours every day at her house. It became so stressful I forgot who I was and why I was here. Your post was my story for this last year and a half. Finally I have been able to know that where she is is better for her and for us. And we visit. Life has a way of showing you things you didn’t even want to know. BUT good thing is, my husband and I went straight out of this to our attorney and got our wills redone (with new wisdom) and made sure our children would be taken care of and that we would NOT fight going to a nursing home when it came our time. Life has lessons…none of which I was prepared for nor considered, as you say so well. Now we are much wiser and hopefully going to use what time we have to enjoy life. Thanks for your deeply personal post! pat


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s