The Ugly Waiting

The hardest thing of my life, harder than failed relationships, harder than natural childbirth, harder than my miscarriage, harder than dealing long term with difficult people, harder than toxic people that force themselves into work or relational spheres, harder than the death of my beloved pets, harder than recovering from rape, harder than years of criticism, harder than all that. The hardest thing of my life has been hands down the ugly, long drawn out wasting away through dementia of my daddy. His body is still with me in bedridden wounded and lesser form, his words are hard to come by and labored, his mind comes and goes in dream or present states, he recognizes me but sometimes knows why and sometimes wonders why. The waiting is painful, like a torture for me, daddy’s girl. He has always been my rock, my hero, my strength, my constant supporter, unconditionally loving me, showing me that a man can indeed be faithful to a woman, my mom, against all odds, that a man can put much more emphasis on giving than getting, that eternal things matter much much more than temporal things, that strength of will and stealth of mind matter more than what people ever think anyone is or should be capable of, to fight for those things we hold dear, to believe this country is the absolute best country in the world. This man of such high moral value and such incredible strength of character and body is my daddy. The shell of him wasting away in the nursing home sometimes resembles this man and sometimes resembles a knife being thrust right into my heart. Pain was never so real to me that my whole body aches as what I feel with this waiting game. Visiting as much as I can for those moments where a conversation makes some sense, longing to share my world with him and knowing it is a shadow to him, somewhere in a haze. And it makes me wonder why God is waiting to take him home to heaven. Is there something else I need to do for him? Is there something he hasn’t worked out that I need to help with? Is his will stronger than his body is allowing and he doesn’t want to leave us unprotected? Questions stroll in to try to make sense in my mind of what is killing me to see. It is a mental torture to see someone you love so much in a trailing off, descending state. Physical torture would be easier to bear. That I could overcome with my mind. But this mental torture involves my mind which is too distracted to help much of the time. So I wait. I visit. I take the kids to visit. I sneak in his favorite treats. I love this man that reminds me of my daddy. I celebrate good days. I cry bad days, like today was. It hits me hard every time, a reminder of what is gone forever but still hanging on somewhere on the way out. I smile for people so they don’t worry about me. I laugh. I don’t want other people to hurt over my pain. But writing it here expresses it so it doesn’t keep eating me. Maybe someone else needs to cry. I will cry with you. I am crying with you. I am waiting ugly with you. You are not alone. I have to remember I am not alone. Feels like it though. God helps those who mourn. I attest to that. It’s true. So I am not alone. Neither are you.

4 thoughts on “The Ugly Waiting

  1. It is a very difficult thing you are going through. My Grandmother had Dementia, ended up in the nursing home. I always thought, “why?” What is God waiting for? I know for certain my Grandmother feared death and she wasn’t about to just willingly give in, but sadly and bittersweet, her time finally came and God took her home…………………………So sad on the days they can’t remember who we are or where they are……………………..then other days, she would be so lucid, as if nothing was wrong at all……………………I feel your pain. And, even though, I know my Grandmother was almost 99 and had a good, long life, and I knew she needed to go, it didn’t make her passing any easier for me. We were close. I miss her dearly. Death, we just sit and wait. All of us. We never know when our number will be up. Age means nothing. I’ll keep you and your dad in my prayers. XX I’m feeling pain today, too. For a different reason, though. My best friend just passed away on Friday. It was sudden and unexpected………………..I’m breaking…………… wasn’t her time, in my mind. She was “better.” She was getting “better.” She was just here……………………………:(

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    1. I feel your pain too. It is horrible. Worse when they have not lived what we feel is their full life. We are here for each other, to understand each other, to feel it, to know we are alive and thus in some form of pain often, to cry together. Hang in there. I will be thinking of and praying for you in your loss journey. Changes everything. Feel that. It is important to let yourself feel it and bask in it a while. It helps me anyway. Hugs!!

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      1. Thank you so much for your kind and caring words. I’m feeling it and I don’t like it one bit. I didn’t know that I could cry for 36 hours straight, without stopping. Once I did stop, I’ve been crying off and on, ever since. I’m just in such shock and don’t know what I’m going to do without her…………….I’ve been here many times before and it seems, just as I’m accepting, as one can possibly accept, anyway, it happens, AGAIN, and AGAIN. Makes me want to not keep getting close to people. It’s hard to bond, love, and to lose……………………..I’ll be sad for quite some time. I do go to therapy on a regular basis, so I’ll be in good hands.
        I’m so very sorry that you are having to go thru this, too. I’m so sorry for your loss. HUGS HUGS and HUGS all we can do is “HANG IN THERE” as they say. Take care. Peace.

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  2. We survive this moment that feels like an eternity and hopefully on the other side we live again. It’s like we die with them a lot then the hope is to rebuild. Cannot replace them. Impossible. Distraction is temporary. Have to grieve and allow that part to die I think. I think that is the only thing we have hope on the other side of. That part has to die but celebrate the life shared with them as soon as possible and maybe honor their passing by living the way they would have wanted us to. Maybe? Maybe not? But I’m here with you in this. Made a new friend. Who knew. 🙂

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