Changes Amidst Changes and Nursing Homes

The coffee maker broke this morning. Coffee would have helped today. It was an omen of sorts if you believe in that sort of thing. If not, no matter, it was the first change I would be met with that hurt a little. The second change far outweighed the first in sheer horribleness. My mom presented me with the news that she could no longer care for my Daddy at home with my help as he is bed ridden now and dementia is worse. So, he will be going into Palm Terrace dementia ward pretty soon and will be in a place he doesn’t know with people he doesn’t know. I love this man. This man is largely why I am me and by far the person in life who supported me and believed in me. My sister is equally upset and I get it. I feel her pain as it must be worse far away, feeling like Daddy is crumbling and will not be as comfortable with his dog sleeping at night on his bed. Change isn’t always good. Loss is loss and sometimes sadness comes in the morning and not just joy. Sometimes loss after loss happens and there is nothing you can do about it. Sometimes there is just no one there to hug you and let you know it will be all right. Changes and loss can sometimes make you feel more alone than you really are. God is there, I know. I just wish God had a couple of real arms sometimes not just spirit ones. It would help me cry better. The people who are supposed to be His arms here on earth sometimes really suck at their jobs. And sometimes they just can’t be there because people are so preoccupied and busy and obligated elsewhere. All of this combines to make a very bad day, a day of bad changes, a day of loss upon loss. There is hope, and I have faith that tomorrow will give me a chance to discover that hope. In the meanwhile, tomorrow I care for my Daddy at home for one of the few remaining opportunities and will make sure he has a good morning while I am there. I will make him smile and laugh as my heart breaks. He will not know it. He will be happy and this will help me find happiness in that fact. Maybe that is my hope.

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