The Wicked Stepparent

My ex-husband remarried a little girl that seems hell bent on torturing my son psychologically. She has 3 “perfect” boys of her own and her husband, my ex-husband, seems more another of her controlled boys as opposed to a man she respects and honors. My son represents me, I guess, who was married to her husband for 10 years, and I am detested for that reason and so my son is detested because of me, I guess. I have spoken with this little girl and tried to speak with her and will never do so again unless it is to say yes or no. Anyone who knows me realizes the significance of that. My ex I speak with civilly about our son’s care, education, upbringing, etc. and all is well there. He is a good man. The problem is her. She says God tells her my son is lying or stealing (and he isn’t)- coo coo! Zach doesn’t want to go there because he is always mistreated, called names, falsely accused, etc. by her and her “perfect” boys. So, why air all this dirty laundry to the world? Because many many people are in the same boat. Blended families can be difficult. Can be was light. They are difficult. But they hit the kids the hardest. Here is the thing. We must be the loving grown ups in their lives. We must make their lives as great as we can, as meaningful as possible, as stress free as possible. We are their safety and security in an increasingly crazy and dark world. Our children are the future, our future, America’s future, God’s kingdom’s future. We must get past our ignorance, pettiness, ugliness, unforgiveness and make it right for these precious children or by golly, we will pay for it now and later. Get the freak over yourself and do what is right for the children. I don’t care what you think about individuals involved, do what is right for the children. It doesn’t matter if you love who your ex chose to marry. It really doesn’t. What matters is that they are happy and that the children are treated lovingly by all involved. Rise above any inclinations you may have to take anything out on the children. Be a grown up and get over yourself. Woman/Man up. Children’s well being depends upon it.

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One thought on “The Wicked Stepparent

  1. Dear Tonya,
    I feel you. I’ve been there. I’m a mom. I’ve been a step-mom for 8 years. Nothing brings out the vengeful lioness in a mother the way that someone mistreating our kids does. You were clearly angry as you wrote this, calling her a “little girl.” In some ways she’s quite possibly acting that way. It probably felt good to write. But it also makes you sound petty. Are you being so? Note: that is not an accusation. I do not know her so of course I don’t know the truth or hyperbole of that statement.
    Here is what I’m going to prose to you after years of learning to make a blended family work. Disclosure: I’ve been issued full on death threats by the other parent in my children’s lives so this comes from being on the brink of restraining orders to where we are now in a very civil, respectful place. Be KIND. ALWAYS. Be the bigger person. EVERY TIME. (At least to her and your ex. With your own friends, vent as much as you need to.) There are 3 sides to every story – his, hers, and the truth. Your son is not an angel. It doesn’t matter that I don’t know him, no child is. His stepmother is not a monster. She’s raising 3 of her own children and married a “good man” according to your own admission. She can’t be all bad. She probably sucks at being a step mom though. It’s going to be up to you to teach her. You have the power to build a bridge with her. BUILD IT!! It won’t be easy. It won’t be comfortable. It will involve a lot of swallowing words and punches, many of which will likely be well deserved. But don’t give up. I get why you never ever want to speak with her again. But please do the opposite! Reach out to her. Give her the benefit of the doubt, even when she doesn’t deserve it. If she’s being too hard on him because he reminds her of you, then use your words to ease her fear of you. Tell her how glad you are that your son’s father married a woman with children so you know that he will be well cared for. Tell her how hard it is to not be there for him every day. Tell how grateful you are that there is a Godly woman in the home to be there for him when you can’t be. Are all of these things a lie. Probably at least a little. You probably don’t really feel that way. But wouldn’t you like to feel that way?! When you give her the message of what you want her to be for your son and when you ask her to be your ally, your partner in raising him she will be left with one of 2 options. 1 – refuse, look like a petty insecure jealous ass in front of you and her husband, or 2 – accept, and be forced by her own pride to build a bridge with you. In my experience, people usually end up choosing #2 even if it takes a while. Disclaimer: in my situation it took about 4 years. It was a lot of baby steps. It’s STILL a lot of baby steps. But the last 4 years of relative peace and harmony have been worth the first 4 of swallowing every instinct I had to destroy the woman making my kids life difficult. Find out what she needs and meet those needs in a boundary appropriate way. Sinceyou’re not in a place to talk, my suggestion is to text. Keep it positive. Be as basic as you need to be so you don’t puke on your on phone. Ie; “Hi ________ Thank you for having my son at your home last weekend. I’m so glad ______ married a woman who believes in God and has children he can play with. It is my hope that you and I can be allies in raising the child we now share. It’s hard for me to share my son with someone else. Knowing that he has a Godly step-mom who will parent him with all of the fruits of the spirit is such a blessing to me! Please feel free to reach out to me with any concerns or happy anecdotes at anytime. Thank you for choosing to love my son!”
    Now right now every fiber in your body is screaming out against this because she’s impossible, she’s a bitch, she’s petty, she’s got issues, she’s never going to be good to him, etc. Do me a favor, nay, do your son a favor and try anyway. And keep trying. And trying. And trying. If it takes years like it did for me, keep trying. Never ever ever give up. You will be able to go to bed at night knowing you did everything you could to nurture a positive relationship between your son and his stepmother, and more importantly between you and she. You have the power to set the tone for your relationship with her and for his. If you can set a tone of grace and partnership, your son will reap rewards 10 fold. And if her issue really is her insecurity about you, alleviating that will make life so much better for your son. It’s not your job, but doing it anyway will be worthwhile.
    Good luck and Godspeed! (Especially the speed part, I hope that it happens quick for you!)

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